Self-Writing in the Service of My Ego

I am here. its 15 minutes to mid night. A very quick piece of self writing here.

Am I rushing, or am I sticking to the commitment to self writing? No point in rushing, rather, yes, its very late, but i am here, so i can write myself to freedom by sticking to the commitment. It is important I write at least this few minutes than not do it at all, because even zero action has an accumulative effort which may lead to entirely stopping self writing. I know, with self vlogging, there was a period when I just stop totally for like 3-4 weeks, then returning to self vloging was harder.

The continuity of self application is vital. Its not about 'just do it' principle, rather, writing with self introspection, writing with realisation. This is not a verbal diarrhea on written format. Rather this is me writing myself here, And this is not an announcement for fellow bloggers to read my blog either. I mean am i writing this so that others may read it? is that my starting point ? that would of course be self dishonest. That is not called self writing to freedom, rather, it should be called self writing for attention (to feed the mind through a backdoor).

So here I am, writing myself to freedom, just me writing about me for me. By the self, for the self. Yes others could read it for themselves, and identify the issues written here and relate it to them, hence, assist them to open up their own bullshit too. So this blog is assist-ive to others if it helps them to see their own bullshit. This blog is not a pass time nor an attempt at self entertainment (nor to entertain the readers).

This is me writing for me, about me, my process, how and what I go thru in my life and my process. Since we have the same minds, many can relate to this and find it assist-ive in their lives. Thats about it, i am not writing from the perspective of getting more readers, nor getting more attention from others etc.

Will I ever write for audience, meaning as a supportive piece for others ? Well, first, all writing is actually self writing.  Its simply sharing self here. I am sharing myself here. Any common sense shared in this is open to all, its "common sense" is visible to all, so all may read it and learn something from it. So yes, all my self writing is first for myself, and yes, it is open for all to share, though not direct at an audience.

So my starting point is not the audience, but myself. I have to be very clear on this point for myself, because I could really fuck myself up. I say I am doing self writing here, when in fact, all I am doing is, seeking attention through writing. So, self writing for freedom is in the service of ego.

Not acceptable. I am here.

Words can Hurt.

I am here. Today is Jan 30, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Words can hurt. Isn't this obvious.

With a certain type of emotional mental state, I become totally nasty to the point where, I lose the message: words can hurt. I justify my words, I believe I have a right to speak nasty mean words. I believe that I am correct when I speak nasty mean words. How much I justify my words is just amazing.

Nasty means is not acceptable. My nasty words, how i speak with utter sharpness as if my words are a sharp knife is simply brutal. All this happens when taken over by emotional demon possession.

Tongue is a double edge sword, it can cut both ways. Gosh, I knew this all along, yet I never took the responsibility to hold my words back. Either in writing or in speaking, I never employed kindness. Once during an intense argument with my dad, this was in 2007 or so, our apartment was on the 9th floor, my angry words were so intense, I demanded him to jump off the building and finish his fucking life off. Wow, I cannot imagine I spoke such words, I have spoken similar cruel words to my brother too, in intense anger, I just tell them to finish their lives off.

Now, my comments are much gentler, it doesn't demand the demise of my immediate targets of anger, rather I speak words now which hurts slowly, cruelly, with crushing pain and humiliation. Just as bad, i would say. From many years back, I remember people telling me that my spoken words are nasty, utterly insensitive. I admit, i have been insensitive as I never cared that others might be in pain upon hearing my words. total spitefulness.

Its time now, i stop this fucking accepted and allowed bulldog habit of mine, it is torturing myself and my loved ones. Of course, only at loved ones, I speak such, with strangers my words are as sweet as a melodious song. This is core of my deception, double face, just like my tongue is, they cut both ways.

Thanks to desteni, In sheer shame and humbleness, I take the responsibility to speak gently, no matter what. Direct yes, to the point yes, no beating around the bush, but always gentle, no need to for crushing words of anger, hurt, pain and humiliation.

If my words are not life supporting, how on earth can i participate in bring a new world that is best for all. Hence, I have a direct responsibility to walk a path of gentleness.

My tongue can no longer be a sword that destroys, no more, enough is enough. I simply speak the words that is best for all, in total self honesty to the point. Others may still get hurt, but it is not due to my nastiness, it is their own accepted and allowed self-dishonesty and emotional bullshit.

I am responsible for the words I speak. I am responsible for the demons that come out of my words. I am responsible for nastiness that comes out of my words. Here i take total self-responsibility.

Till here no further, I no longer accept and allow myself to speak in nasty mean words. I am gentleness. I am self honest in my words, yet always gentle.

I breathe.

King's Speech: Teach the King Self-Forgiveness, please.

I am here. Today is Jan 30, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

I am committing myself to write at least a few minutes everyday about myself, contributing to self writing. I realise once i fall behind in this even one day, it gets accumulated, meaning, one missed day soon be two missed days, then three etc. Then, it wont' be too long when i will have missed a whole week of missed days. Therefore tonight, i have all the reasons to not spend any time writing, as it is already 12:35am, obviously way past bed time, and I am sleepy and tired. I just don't' want to skip even a day in self writing, i know, a day can easily be two, three days. So no, i am here, taking just another 10 minutes to write myself out a bit.

So tonight the point is preciously that, not giving up self writing even for a day no matter what. And it doest' have to be a long piece, just 10 mins is sufficient just to keep the self commitment to daily blogging continue. The key word is 'daily'. Self writing daily.

Yes, i am writing myself to freedom daily.

Tonight, i saw the movie, 'the king's speech'. A king whose voice is stuck within himself out of sheer fear and memories. Stammering as he speaks becomes a serious stumbling block for himself as he assumes the responsibilities of the crown. A kind friend and a teacher, assist him with self expression, by showing the king his fears. Let the fears go, let the memories of the fears go, are the advice of the friend to the king to be. Bravely, the new king delivers his first speech, his first war time speech. ha ha, same bullshit isn't it. Been fearless didn't make the king , a king for all, but rather a king for war. same old bullshit. But there is not the point there.

By learning to undo one's fears, the king is able to over come his stammering voice, and is able to voice himself out.

Self forgiveness does preciously that and more. Self forgiveness allows me to overcome my fears, and assist me to voice myself clearly and preciously. My self expression develops. I speak clearly and directly. Moreover, self forgiveness is assisting me with self rebirth through the physical. King George the VI didn't' know self forgiveness, he only overcame his stammering voice,

With self-forgiveness so much is possible, it is becoming of life. It is to rebirth self as life and to rebirth a practical heaven to us all.

King's speech the movie is cool, as it shows how limiting life can be when living with fears etc. But the movie is just that, a feel good sensational hollywood of one man's triumphed over his limitations. If the simple advice of a friend can change the course of a king, imagine, with the power over self forgiveness and self honesty, a whole new world can be manifested by self honest humans,

No need for kings anymore, as each of us, is a king/queen. Equal and One.

So the simple message i gave to myself after seen the movie is: Scream self forgiveness to overcome all my fears, no more fears, none whatsoever.

Cool. As per the king himself, George the VI still went to war, he didn't rebirth himself as life, nor did he bring out equality for all. Basically, he was a useless king, like a bug on the windscreen, he was gone, when his time was up. A useless life royally lived indeed.

Since embracing the desteni process, I have found a passion, meaning, and purpose to my life. This is simply a magic, how i have become so dedicate to life and equality for all. I have indeed surprised myself. Is this really me? It is an amazing journey.

I will not say, long live the king, but certainly, I will say, long live the 'equality for all' as it is the way to heaven on earth. No royals are needed.

Join us www.desteni.co.za

Past is Tailgating

I am here, Today is Jan 28th, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

Past is always tailgating. I am looking at my past, I am looking at her past. I am looking at our past. In all this, I am trying to resurrect the past 'as a tool of revenge'. Indeed past is preciously for that reason, a tool to seek revenge and be spiteful.

Tonight, I reminded again, just live here in the breath of this moment, i mean where else to be ? To escape into the future is madness, to dwell in the past is insane. So, where can I safely be ? Here, now, within the body, within the breath. I see my mind is racing to the 'tomorrow'. I see tomorrow is going to be a tough day, and I already projecting it, I am already feeling the heat of tomorrow. Gosh, but my body is here, my breath is here. Its not fair, I am not giving my body nor my breath my attention. I am basically ignoring my breath and my body. This is self negligence and self abuse.

I am here. I do what must be done practically within the principle of equality and oneness, meaning, 'do unto others, what i like to be done unto me'. Very simple. Don't allow fucking emotions and feeling to rollover me. I am here as breath. I am here as the attention, the power of me.

When i give my attention to my thoughts, emotions and feeling, i am giving up my self power. My attention is my self power. So, i have to be very careful where i place my self attention. To follow my thoughts, emotions and feelings is stretching my attention, hence i am stressed, because my attention is stretched. I am here.

Here is where existence is. Yes I say that with knowledge, but I realise its simplicity.

So, tonight, I am sharing self-forgiveness to live here. No more tailgating of the past.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and live within the past of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape this breath and go to the
past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall the past as a tool of revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the past as a tool of
revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull shit from the past as a tool of revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as revenge of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to bring the old shit out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to bring the old pain out and hammer them out. it is revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to blame the beings here for their apparent bad past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for their past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame when i see my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused when i recall my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as an abused child thru the eyes of the past. in this give power to the so called abuse that was in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give reality to the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give life to the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the past back into life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the past to be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the past to exist here so that i can feel the same shit of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my attention to the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my attention to the memories
of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid the past because i am so ashamed of some past stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selective about my past memories. because some hidden past bring shame in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shameful about my abusive past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for my abusive past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame and guilt for my 'difficult' past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dirty and shame for my so called tough past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some of past is horrible while other parts are beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when i recall my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be happy when i recall some parts of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mix feeling about my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anger and happiness when i recall my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be happy when i recall my past. because i want to believe that my past should be a beautiful thing. this is a believe
system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believes about how and what i should be. and how my past should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shameful because i don't' have a great past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be revengeful because wrongs were done unto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self judgemental because i believe them to be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as bullshit belief systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to conform myself to bullshit believe systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to comply with bullshit believe systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that correction of the past means, i must correct my present here. as i live here as my breath i self correct me and my past. all is corrected within me, as i live here as the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that self correction here in this very breath, is the way to correct the past.

I remain here as the breath. I remain here as my human physical body.

No more past. Till here no further, I no longer need my past, I no longer need to exist within the past and future. i am here as breath of life.

I breathe.

What can 1000 Destonians do ?

I am here, today is Jan 27th Thursday, my daily blogging continues.

Can I/we change this world ?

Yes indeed. There is no doubt about it, however, it requires a sustain efforts and dedication to educate many humans about what Equal Life is all about.

To start with, my self commitment to my process is the key to change this world. If i fail, i cannot expect this world to change, as i am the agent of change. I cannot fall, as my fall is not just about my fall anymore, with it the world change itself may be on hold. Hence, my commitment to my process is paramount.

As above so below, as inner so is outter, meaning as my process is ongoing, i cannot wait till i hit the holy grail to start changing the world, no that would be simply pay back to the world, not one and equal. The kind of change, desteni speaks of is, twin change, but at the same time, its one and the same. Equal and One.

I change, the world changes with me. my world changes with me.

Yes, there are practical and sustainable efforts are required both for self and for the world at large. For myself, daily blogging, daily vlogging, daily self forgiveness, and self honesty is the way.

As for the world change, spreading the blogs, vlogs, the message of equality with all is the key for next 10 years or so. The internet and online world is getting crowed everyday, millions and millions are online, so its a perfect place for message of equality to be shared with. So, things like sub4sub, blogs, vlogs, tags, in increasing numbers will make the difference.

Currently, about 100 or so destonians are going full speed at this, both changing themselves and the world concurrently. equal and one. This number must grow from 100 to 1000 very soon, i mean within the next 2-3, for this, a dedicated sharing of desteni message will be needed. The desteni-i-process is key in bringing many new faces.

With 1000 or more destonians, powerful winds of change will blow across our world systems, it will be a time like no other,  The collective noise of the 1000 destonians will be heard everywhere, hence many will get a chance to join this process, and yes many will confront, but that is no issue.

In time, with the principle of one man for one vote, the Equal Life Party will enter the political process of the world. A dominant force of change will open the eyes of many, will open the ears of many, to hear the message of equality of all life. Votes will start to come in, one by one, Equal Life Party as a mainstream choice for real change, will establish itself in every country, and then in time, will rewrite the laws of every country to bring a practical heaven earth.

Children who will be born into the Equal Money System, and Equal Labor Systems, will be shocked to study about our struggles today. In the antics of digital archives, some of our blogs may survive to tell about times of fear, anxiety, anger, hate, worry, competition, economy, capitalism, money, and all other evils of our times today.

A heaven on earth is indeed possible, yes it is practical, pragmatic, and sustainable. So I am one vote for world equality.

One by one, we will soon become 1000 destonians, we will be very noisy.

Secrets from my Secret Mind

I am here, today is Jan 26 2011. My daily blogging continues.

As I sit down write, i don't' come with a preconceived subject in mind, i simply sit and get down to writing. Few simple rules I follow, here writing is about deconstruction of the bullshit that i have accepted and allowed within myself and my world.  Telling stories about others is not my game plan here. Of course, at times i will have to call a spade a spade. But before i pick on others, it is wise to reveal my secrets, my secret mind. I have a huge secret mind, meaning, i carry tons of thoughts and judgements about many humans, all rooted in my own self interest and self fears. i mean do i ever really care or love anyone? the more i investigate, the more uglier my truth becomes. perhaps this is why people like to avoid self introspection. talking about other people is fun, painless, and juicy of course.

Tonight, i went out for dinner by myself, at times i like to just hang out alone, having a meal etc. Now it seems humble enough, wanting to hang out by myself and enjoy a meal alone. But if i really investigate, it comes down to money, three of us going out to an indian restaurant can easily cost 40-50$, so to avoid such a bill for an uneventful night, i simply went alone to keep the bill to 15$ or less. So money is the reason why i went out alone tonight. Another reason i had was, only i like to enjoy spicy indian food, neither my wife nor my step-son like to enjoy spicy food. So layers upon layers of lying to myself and others, all to keep self interest going, in this case, i just didn't want to spend fifty bucks on dinner tonight. a simple example of my secret mind, how i exist as secret mind in trying to hide my inner reality from others, and in this, i deceive myself and others. how can i expect real intimacy with another when i am actually using the good old trick of lying to get my way. true, i had many reasons why i went to this specific indian restaurant, but what i disclosed was just a cover up. 'oh i feel like having some spicy food tonight', in that clearly, i closed all other doors, meaning now i can only go alone, which is what i wanted in the first, The truth about money, i never disclosed. This is how i live in a lie, always wanting to protect my own self interest first. Of course, i have justified my decision very nicely and it sound good too, but only i know real the facts. Nobody knows my secret mind.  

Relationships are filled with lies. It is a great risk to lie within a relationship, but then again, to lie is a great risk to living itself. i mean, self-dishonesty has no place whatsoever.

So, tonight, i am glad i caught myself cheating to myself. I am glad i caught myself lying. I am glad i caught my bullshit before i do something really stupid. for many stupid things, there are no turning points. tonight, i will probably get away with it, but the pattern will show up again, whenever money is the matter at hand. many times, i held back spending, i just find it so difficult to spend for the family that i have claimed to be mine. god help me.

of course there is no fucking god to help me. i have to really see the principle of oneness and equality, and really investigate the equality equation, i have a made a commitment to walk with my wife and her son, in this i promised to support and assist. its a shame, tonight i lied to save a meal's bill at a restaurant. i simply didn't' want to pay for 2 extra people tonight. i just went alone. And it so happened the meal was horribly disgusting, too oily and i didn't enjoy it at all. this is the second time i went to that specific place. its a family business, i enjoy chatting with the owner and his family there.

WTF, my words, my commitments, all good on paper, and when it comes to money, i am not the one to share easily.

So this is a good example of how i exist as my secret mind. i mean the more i dig, the more shit will come surface, and many of them are money related.

This is another big reason why i support equal money system, i mean, at least, money will never ever be a thing among couples. love will never be touched by money, love will never be influenced by money. At last, with equal money system, two equal beings, who are equal with the power of money, can talk about love, without ever tinting anything with the bloody color of money. at least, my lies about money will end. For this, i am certainly one vote for equal money system, let there be true and real love.

No more secret mind, it is now out in the open for all see, what sort of a fucker that i am. And my more shit from the deep chambers of my secret will be in revealed in time. stay tune. Nothing is more juicer than secret minds.

A note to myself: I have to really investigate this shit i have been living for sometime now. am i real here, is my love real, is my commitment real, am i willing to support and assist ? or am i faking everything just for the good times. certainly time will tell. but time has come for me undo my secret mind, and 'do unto others as i would like done unto me'. that is the simple principle of any agreement.

You give what you like to receive.

I love to blame.

I am here, today is Jan 25, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

There is always something to write isn't it? Like an onion peeling off, take one layer at a time, layer by layer. yet the mind says 'oh i have nothing to write tonight', 'oh i am too tired', 'who is going to read this anyways', another good one is 'what's the point of self writing', 'i mean i can aways fake what i am writing and thereby not write myself to freedom, in fact i could hold off freedom by daily blogging', says my mind, 'therefore why write at all'. Excuse after excuse.

Simply, I just have to look at what I have accepted and allowed within myself and my reality. Any point and just write about that point, so many such things exist within me and my reality. There is never a lack of points to write about. just how many times did i turn my head to look at women today? a simple point, it indicates mind control and lack self honesty, what do i accept and allow within me. i mean is there really nothing to write about ? what an absurd excuse.

Ok, tonight let me look at the point of blame. I notice all evening since i arrive home from work, i entered a state of blame. I was looking for points to blame at, as if i was hell bend on blaming on anything. so weird, there was no anger, no depression, no moodiness, yet i was kind into wanting to blame. it seems blaming is a kind of an energy possession, when its activated, I just have to blame.

Blame has many friends, nagging, doubting, fault finding, suspecting, intolerance, pouting, of course anger, all these emotional states eventually ends up been blame. Its like a balm, blame heals all unhappiness, so it seems. in blame, self responsibility is totally shifted out of self.   The other(s) is at fault, of course, always.

So here is the key difference, for myself, i realise i am responsible for myself, for my inner state, for all that i feel and experience within me, i am totally responsible. i cannot hold anyone else responsible for whats going on within me. my inner space is entirely mine, only what i accept and allow enter my inner space, so how can i blame others for what i feel or experience within me? isn't' that kind of ridiculous ? its like blaming another for me having an upset stomach, or diarrhea. Certainly a discussion about any issues with others is acceptable but blaming others for what i feel is just bad principle. i am and only i am responsible for what is going with me. no more questions on that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like blaming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame as if blaming is a
regular need for me to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and in blaming i get my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have all the right to
blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must blame to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must blame in order to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have all the rights to blame others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my blames.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am correct to blame
others for what i feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what i feel in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel down and under.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel hungry, as if my hunger is caused by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel self doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel self anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i flirt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i enjoy flirting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am self dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am doing something bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am in self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am doubting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am busy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when things are
messy in this believing that others created the mess for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for all and any of my
issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i have to get up on time in the mornings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i don't' enjoy my meals for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when its cold outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when the system is not functioning as i would like to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am late to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am lacking in money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i avoid my self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel lonely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel needy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel neglected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am asked questions about my commitment to things i promised i would do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am asked to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when my food is not ready on time, as if others have to treat me like a royal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what i feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for lack of sleep at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when they having fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i cough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i see them eating together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i see them having friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when see them having lunch together with friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  blame others when i see them laughing and having fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as thoughts of judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as thoughts within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame when things don't go as i would like them to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame just for the sake of blaming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame when i don't' understand foreign languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame when i hear others speakignin foreign languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame when i those who are 'different' from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame groups of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame politicians.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame bankers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame capitalists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame leaders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame criminals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame murders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame crooks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame stock brokers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame insurance brokers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame dealers and wheelers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame car salesmen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame anyone who wants to sell me something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame rich people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame poor people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame god that doesn't exit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame even desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my process with desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame death itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything that ever exist because in this i feel i am safe. in this, i avoid responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything. because i am not taking self responsibility for my inner space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame happy people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame unhappy people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame angry people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame peaceful people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame depressed people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame sad people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame families.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame successful people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame failed people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame anyone and everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy blaming because in that i can avoid self responsibility for my inner space.

i stop this pattern of blaming. i am here as self responsibility. i am here as common sense. i am here as breath of life. i breathe.

Resistance to Daily Blogging

I am here breathing, today is Jan 24th 2011. My daily blogging continues.

Continue to feel heavy resistance to writing today again. But no excuses, pushing myself to pen down few words. I mean WTF, why so much resistance, am I trying to rob a bank here or what. Simply writing myself out to freedom, isn't that a such bad thing, to feel so much resistance. It all goes to show there is something within me hell bend on taking the path of least resistance, avoiding freedom at any cost. This means i am already preprogrammed to live a robot life, so any attempt to rescript myself through writing is not going to be easy. Its in the very base design of myself to give up and give in, never take the courageous step to self-introspect, let alone share it with others on a daily bases. Yes all goes to show re-birthing as life is  journey against the momentum of preprogramming. I mean had i decided to watch TV right now, specially with some porn scenes there will no resistance at all, instead my mind will give all kinds of justifications to indulge in TV/porn. Again it goes to the degree of preprogramming that exist within me as me. I have allowed all this conditioning within me, of course.

So no blaming, rather see the pattern and walk thru it, do what must be done. So here I am writing myself to freedom. Even finding a topic is very tough, I often feel there is nothing to write about, although i very well know there are tons of issues to write about within the principle of common sense.

Writing to freedom is not about story telling or a history review, rather here writing means deconstruction of my accepted and allowed reality within and without. This is no soap, this is reality and recreating a new reality for humanity and for myself.

I am here breathing.

So tonight I want to write about resistance, a point i experienced at work today.

My team leader after reviewing my work stuff, he recommended new things to be done. In that very moment, I raised my voice in a very unconscious manner, to the point of anger almost, but certainly a strong unconscious resistance to do any 'more' work items as he suggested. I mean wtf, i am there to work, and i am given an assignment, the first thing i do is RESIST.

This is an all too familiar pattern within me. My reaction is to resist, trying to avoid, trying to skip, of course, moments later i realise my madness, immediately did some patch up statements and agree to finish the new assignments. Of course, the capitalist system is not very tolerant to those who show resistance to work, i mean that is what this 'work ethics' are all about, to make sure that we remain good workers. Of course the question of why i resist to work is never asked, but i know, i am simply preprogrammed to live a lazy lethargic pattern of life. Unacceptable. It is my base design. But here I am, undoing my resonant structural design of who i am to the very core.

I name the game, then I self-forgive and then self-correct with a new script in hand. Yet, change is only visible and real when the rubber meets the road, meaning, when i am faced with that same point again. Only action will show have i physically changed or simply perceptually changed, meaning i think i have changed but in factual physical reality when faced with the same points, i am back to square one. So change is only real when the rubber meets the road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  resist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing anything new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing anything new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing myself out to freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  fear writing myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist expressing myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to be lazy and lethargic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to give into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my mind is correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like my mind's justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give into my minds
justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender to my mind's justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my preprogrammed resonant core design as 'normal',

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of my core resonant design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any changes against my core resonant design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist any actions against my core resonant design. meaning i will only do what my mind says is correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise listening to my mind is like jumping to the river, it will never take me to freedom. as i must walk thru the momentum of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist daily vlogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing properly and correctly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing correct english statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing in a proper manner, instead give into the mind's laziness and write sloppy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing proper statements with correct grammar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying myself to self write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear writing believing that others may think that i am fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear self writing because i think others may laugh at my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear self writing believing that others are judging my writings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear writing because my mind has lots fears to self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always find an excuse each night to avoid doing my daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost hate daily blogging because resistance is so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the whole point of daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can think myself into rebirthing as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt self blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have nothing to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have nothing to write about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have nothing to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself as words here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist sharing myself here as words as life.

i am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my work at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying myself to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying myself to get the job done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any physical movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused concentration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused projects.
instead i just want to relax. not realising relaxing is here as me. i can relax while writing. in fact writing can be the most relaxing. and doing any work in fact is relaxing if i am here as the breath. its only the mind that gives stories and wanting to relax elsewhere. its never here.

i am here.

till here no further, i will not accept and allow resistance to self writing. i simply apply me.
i simply walk thru the resistances. i am here and i simply write myself out.

i am self trust. i am self willing to self birth as life.

i am life. i am here as my words. i am self writing. i am writing myself here. i am simply writing, and relaxing. i am here as the breath of life. as breath, i am always relaxed here.

There is only Self-Anger

I am here, today is Jan 23, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

Anger is indeed destructive. Do i need to remind myself how fiery anger can be for myself and for others. Gosh this is perhaps the most simplest of lessons every human being already knows, certainly i know this lesson so well, yet again and again i fall for this demon, anger. i mean anger, is there a single person who doesn't ever get angry, and regret getting angry? i doubt it, anger is as normal as defecating for humans, it happens everyday in very predictable patterns. so many promises and so many new year resolutions to overcome anger, to not to explore my anger on others, yet again and again, it shows up. no mercy at all, anger takes no prisons, it knows one and only one way out, destruction and self-destruction.

Tonight, i am not angry nor i am experiencing anger, but i am hearing an angry discussion and feel the pull towards it. As if a random static from a piece of furniture nearby is hitting me suddenly. Meaning, angry of other beings, and their heated conversation has a pulling effect on me. Their conversation has nothing to do with me, yet the pull i feel, as if the current will drag me in, as if i am about react is imminently.

Anger is not personal, its an energy which can drag anyone within the vicinity of its dragging power. I feel pulled, i feel as if I am ready to jump into the debate for no apparent reason, it seems anger of others activate whats within me, therefore the anger within me seeking a feeding session, an angry session to regenerate my ego.

This is hell. either its my own anger, or its my direct action to another's anger, or my indirect reaction to the heat of others and their anger. it doesn't matter, the anger's pull is felt. and i am feeling for a fight. i am getting a bit hungry for fight. so that means, my resonant anger within me already has gotten activated, it is simply awaiting an eruption or two.

Will i ever be free of anger ? will i stop reacting to another' anger ? will i ever not get dragged into the heat of an argument of others ? The mere fact i am being pulled means i have ample anger within me, there is no doubt about that. So my anger or another's anger or static anger (random act of anger), means all the same, because any form of action or reaction of anger is just that, anger. you cannot differentiate or categorize anger. Anger is anger, no matter how you slice or dice it, it won't cut it.

Because Anger exist because self-anger exist. There lies the problem, self anger. Only self-forgiveness and breath can assist in living change on how i act and react to anger.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an angry demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like being anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the rush of anger i feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger within is so powerful that i cannot contain it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to the anger of another by thinking about their angry words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power and glory to my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my anger is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the momentum of my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my words during anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my anger because i believe its all other's fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is all their fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am feeling angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to blame others when i feel angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i blame others then my own self anger will go down. not so. blaming others is to avoid my own anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others when i feel angry within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like destruction when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'fuck all' when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'go to hell you fucking pig' when i am angry. in this i believe that others are pigs and i am a saint when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'go rot in hell you pig' when i am angry. in this i am basically desiring the demise of another. and justify my thoughts as valid because of course i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify all i say and do when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify all i speak and act when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify wars within families and friends when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire destruction when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must live with anger-less humans, not realising no such human exist, as i am still existing in self anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as self anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kill me because i am so angry within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to destroy me because for some unknown goddamn reasons i am angry within myself towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think i should just die to end this anger that exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'that i can't await to die' so my anger will die with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to die to finish this damn anger that exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give so much power to the anger that exist within me. i have made my anger real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give birth to anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give life to the anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give existence to the anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a lease on life for the anger within me each time i get angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my anger the reasons to exist by thinking all day angry thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i am the creator of anger in this world because i am the creator of anger within me. since i allowed anger within me, i allow it within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give birth to anger within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as reaction to anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the anger of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the anger of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pulled by the anger of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to get pulled by the anger of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to be anger and mean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love the power and energy of anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to be angry which gives the power to self destroy and destroy others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to run away when i feel angry believing a new place will be anger free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise as long as i exist anger will exist, as there is only self anger.

i am responsible for the anger in this world because i exist as self anger in me.

i am here i am here as the breath of life.

i breathe, i do not allow self anger to ruin me, i do not allow self anger to justify itself.

i am here. i breathe thru as anger arises within me, i stop entertaining angry thoughts within me. i am here, i stop the self-anger within me as me. I realise i am the anger within me. As anger, i stop the self-anger within me.

i breathe.

I am a Self-Exorcist.

I am here, today is Saturday Jan 22, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

I am not much of a dreamer, since I met desteni my dreams have slow down. Now mostly I sleep very sound and dreamless. Nightmares are very rare indeed. Last night however I had a very terrifying dream. In this, two demon like creatures were sitting on my chest and beating me up. Well, not very pleasant dream isn't it, for a moment, I freaked or a sense of panic I experienced. Then I told to myself, just breathe, these guys are not real, so just breathe. And that's exactly what I did (not sure if I actually physically did the breathing or did I breathe within the dream itself, is unclear to me, nor can I recall). Anyways, as I breathe within the first breath itself, those two demon fellows just vanished. I was bit surprised within the dream itself, how quickly so called demons can vanish within the power of breath,

Then I awoke up.

Dreams are now very specific and assisting, they are showing what i have accepted and allowed within me. So in this dream, i can see that the two demons been the emotions and feelings that pound me all day. And dream was telling me that I am also the solution to my problem, which is living as my breath. So as I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as emotions and feelings to such an extent they have become demonic and self destructive in nature. Hence the demons beating me up, is my own self made self torture. Fortunately  I am my own solution as well, which is to breathe here now in the physical to transcend emotions and feelings.

So no need for any holy waters, nor anything holy to dispel the demons within me, my own simple breath here is the tool of self-exorcism, to set self to freedom.

I breathe here.

Hell is One Breath Away

Since around 3pm today, i have been feeling kind of low and down. Meaning, a slight version of depression, and self pity has taken me over. This energy possession is nothing unusual to me, its a very familiar takeover that happens every now and then, I have no idea why. When I enter this state of mind, its only a matter of minutes before I pick on something with someone. In the past, it was mostly my parents or brothers, I will never hesitate to lash out at them, for any trivial thing, it doesn't matter, once I enter "that energetic mode", all bets are off, fasten your seat belts, hell is just one breath away. It could happen anytime.

Living with my wife, things are bit different, i cannot just lash out, she is a tough gal, will not put up with my mode swings. I never had any live-together love-relationships before, so this is the first time I am actually living with a woman, ever since I left my parent's home back in 1989 i always either lived alone or had male roommates. In terms of lovers, I never entered any living together agreements. It was just easy to have my own place and visit the girl friend every now and then. I mean why take all that trouble of living together. I am now married for 2 years, out that only about last 6 months period I am actually living together. So i am rather inexperienced when it comes to cohabitation. Most of our wars get trigged when I enter "that energetic mode", as I become so needy and demanding her attention, naturally it turns her off big time. The principle of what you resist persist, I experience first hand. The more I demand her attention, guess what, less I get, then i get even more nasty. When I am all in a normal mode, there is hardly any problems.

I struggled with "that energetic mode' for all my life, ever since i was child. I cannot describe what it is, it just takes over me, an energetic, emotional moody body, as if I am possessed, a compete take over. Only after inflicting a good doze of nasty words and pain to others, does "that" state cools itself down a bit. The more i pound better I feel. I become normal and gentle, i offer many words of apologies and sweet offers to make things up. I am out of words to describe "that" state, so let me borrow a new age term called "painbody", meaning, old emotional shit, which gets activated, a complete takeover happens. Resonant possession, a demonic possession.

So, today, i went through this all too familiar drama, thank god, nothing dramatic happened, i just obnoxiously raised my voice, sort of a mean nasty way, but held my words back, didn't voice them. I mean i have no idea how or what is this shitty emotional takeover that happens to me. Since desteni, i have become much "tolerable", meaning i am less mean and less nasty. I just wish someday this bloody moody takeover will stop. i mean WTF, its so tiring and lonely to crush people so often.

Strangely enough, this very 'problem' made me very isolated person hence I became a seeker, always looking for some solution to assist me, of course most of the time i landed with this spiritual group or that, but "that" core problem never end or decreased. Only with desteni, i have the tools, and significant progress i have made in taming this emotional painbody beast within me.

End of the day, I realize whatever i experience, i am self responsible for. Simply because, had i stayed continuously and constantly within my breath, i could over come the power of "that". But obviously, i give into my mind, which takes me for ride to 'fuckup' town. so the solution is amazingly simply, stay within the breath through any storm, and when i miss that simple principle, of course, hell is just one breath away.

Will I ever change? will i ever stop this emotional bullshit painbody within me? of course, i cannot just "stop" it, as it has its own momentum of 42 years of build up. But i have the most amazing power and responsibility to stay within the breath, for which there is no excuse.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that i am helpless when I am taken over by that state of mind.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that i must go thru "that" every now and then, simply because it is something i am so familiar with.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to give in to my mind.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i am addicted to regenerating my mind's ego. i love my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love my ego. therefore i love to feed it with mind energy. in the forms of fight and debates and accusations.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love blaming because in blaming i feed my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to get an energetic feed session in the form of spiteful anger and hate.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to be angry.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to demand attention from others, otherwise i will be nasty. i love to be nasty.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that i love to be nasty.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i love to be mean.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i love to blame others.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in blaming i avoid my self responsibility.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing me so instead i am always looking to pound at others.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to define me as a moody person.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am condemn to a life time of moodiness. not realising within one single breath i can be free myself from this madness.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to like to be ,mad and angry. its so easy to live such life. living as breath is tough.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to define living as breath as tough. therefore i have already given me the permission to live as the mind. so naturally i have already accepted and allowed myself to be my mind and ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to have a fight because in that i feed my mind and its ego.

i am here. breath is my solution. in every breath i am here as the physical.

there is no other solution, i am here as breath. EVERY breath, i must be here, not just few breath now and some breaths later. no. that is not acceptable.

Because, for me, hell is just one breath away. So it matters absolutely that I live as my breath here in the physical in every breath. Otherwise my wife will show me what i have accepted and allowed, she will not put with my moodiness, Self responsibility for every breath is the point i am facing.

There are no excuses, every breath I must be here.

Why must you deserve a happy good life?

I am here, Today is Jan 20th 2011, my daily blogging continues.

It is fascinating to watch how people leave their work places at the end of the day, during the so called evening rush hour. As if they are been released from jail or something. As I observe, these rush hour people heading to their homes, I notice they carry a certain sense of achievement within them. As if they deserve to go home, now that they have given a day's worth of work for the company, so now they can go home.

Another point I observe is these workers carry a sense of importance, yes, I am an accomplished person today. Within that, a justification, a reward, I deserve a fat pay check, a pretty house, etc etc. Its all about me, so end of the day, I go home feeling that indeed I deserve all the nice things in the world, and why not, I just finished a day's work, giving myself to the capitalist corporations my blood, sweat and tears, so I deserve all the nice things I can possibly buy.

But during the whole day, I will never mention that the only reason i am here to work, is just to get a pay check, that money, so that I can survive, yes I will never talk about that. It is the real hidden purpose of my employment, to survive. Yet at work, I will make it sound like as if I am here because I care about the objective, tactical goals of the company, both short term and long term. I mean, i pretend like my purpose in life is to care for the company's profit ambitions, so I meekly align myself with the corporate goals, of course, otherwise consequences are severe, even homelessness could result. Don't mess with the capitalists or with their systems.

More than the capitalists, it is the workers, it is me, who keeps the system going, as their utter surrender and meek alignment so that i can make my money. Of course, I have to maintain my pretty house, all the beautiful gadgets, fancy life styles, it must all be paid, so the job is the key thing, it provides the money. Within the work environments, this so obvious point of money is never openly discussed, I pretend like I am here to glorify and serve the mighty executive goals of the corporations. There is a subtle submission and dishonest loyalty. I am here to make money, not because I love or I am loyal to the company, anyone who says that is a total liar. I mean WTF.

What a deceptive life indeed, but the sad part is, I have no choice, as I need that money to survive.

So, can we continue like this for another 1000 or 2000 years with capitalists ruling the planet sucking it dry and demolished all to just make a profit ?

Obviously, we all know, this system of supply and demand, profit and loss cannot continue. Time for a change, a profound change.

Equal Life Party is the solution. So I am one vote for Equal Money and Equal Labor, and I am one for Equal Life Party. No more deceptions, no more dishonest loyalties, no more profit ambitions, no sucking up just to survive, no more justifications to have a home, no more justifications to live.

Simply being a human is all the reason to deserve a happy good life, any other reason or justification is manipulative and dishonest.

Hu is Here

Today is Wednesday Jan 19th, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

The Chinese President Hu is here, visiting with the US leadership for constructive relationship between the two nations. I saw bits of TV news today about the pompous ceremony and events, lots of powerful images were flashing on the screen as if two Gods are meeting. I didn't get to catch much of the details, but it seems Hu will be meeting with the industrial leadership as well, meaning most CEOs, of multinational corporations will get to chit chat with Hu. I wonder what they will talk about.

Isn't that an amazing thing, its all about business, its all about expanding markets and increasing profits, but they make it sound like a very noble humanitarian thing, Because after all its about creating jobs for the normal citizens of the two countries. For the corporate CEOs this event is a dream come true, as governments on both sides will take care of them, regardless of their apparent political differences.

Sino-US political colors may be different as day and night, but when it comes to caring for the profit generating rich business gods, they are all on the same page. Money knows no color, no political ideology. Political views and ideologies are for the masses to keep themselves occupied with, to debate weather capitalism is better or the red crap is better ?

I mean WTF, did Hu and our history making eloquent man manage to have any discussion about how to end the suffering of our planet? how to end starvation of nearly 1 billion people? how to stop the abuse of our rivers and seas? how to end this profit generating engine, so that humans can actually live their lives instead trying to survive day and night? did they ever have a discussion about the pros and cons of capitalism and its consequential chaos that is destroying our planet?

But the CEOs must be laughing, more expandable markets assured by the heads of states themselves, larger tax breaks and investment incentives, it sounds a lot like Christmas. The whole state visit seems like a corporate business meeting to talk about how make more money. of course the average Joe think its about creating jobs and building security. This is an endless trap, capitalism seems to win on all fronts. Simply because every Joe has to survive, has to eat, got to have a roof over the head, got to have food and medicine on the table etc, so he/she will put up with anything.

This is like the olden days when every citizen was a subject of the Royals, we simply worked for them to make the Royals happy. Of course, if you complaint, you're gone. And you will stupid to complaint or rebel against them, so just shut up and do your job, make the Royals happy, after all you're getting your food at least.

Amazing trap isn't it. Either live according to the rules of capitalism or perish at your own hands. Rebels don't make it. Revolutions will not make it. Protest will not bring anything. Demonstration and political coups will not bring anything. Even god almighty Wars will not bring any change. Nothing as we have ever known will bring any change to our current system of money or politics.

Equal Life Party, with its revolutionary yet simply principle of Equal Money System and Equal Labor System will bring absolute change, it will establish a practical heaven on earth.

Hu is here, i am sure in few more years another Hu will visit for another pompous bilateral constructive meetings, in the meanwhile CEOs will cash it in. Its all about business. With Equal Life Party, no more Hus, or no more Singhs. We are one planet, one humanity, so we need one Equal Money System, and one Equal Labor System. Care, not profit, as profit by its very definition is not about caring, its about making money.

No amount of political will or meetings or state visits can bring the element of care which will support and assist every human. Only the Equal Life Party can deliver such care and support.

Hu, so thanks for the visit, if you care, join us, study what Equal Money System is all about. Certainly, I am one vote for Equal Money and Equal Labor.

'Job Satisfaction' is a Trap.

I am here. Today is Tuesday Jan18, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

Capitalism loves to reward as long as I am a devoted servant of it. Today, I managed to accomplish an important assignment at work, and within moments I experienced a sense of success and worthiness and felt been 'useful' at work. Meaning I am telling myself that I am indeed a useful worker and I am needed at the place and I am appreciated at the work place etc. Accomplishment has nothing to do with purity of self expression, rather how capitalism receives me and view me as a devoted solider of it.

This is indeed the trap. First, I am programmed to think and believe in lack, i.e self-lack. I am taught in school to complete, a sense un-fulfilment is created for me, within me by the media etc. So my starting point is lack of self-appreciation, lack of self-worth, lack of self-contribution, lack of any meaningful accomplishment towards myself and others, there is really nothing to be proud of.

So within this so called job satisfaction becomes very paramount, I mean it could make or break one's life. So lack of job satisfaction is already preprogrammed into me by various mind programmers. So at the very first day at the job, I am already experiencing job dissatisfaction. Then onwards, I try hard to get that magical moment of happiness in been a greatly appreciated worker, everyone loves me, and capitalism shines on me like a radiant sun.

All is well.

Trap upon trap, so this is what life is all about, first created a whole of bunch of lacks, then undo that by having great job satisfaction. Capitalism wins either way, men and women try their very best to go home after a long day's work, feeling they have done a great job at work. and indeed their pay check is worthy of every penny. So the workers, the bees, really live their whole lives oiling the engines of capitalism. Of course we need to survive, so we entire give into the mold of capitalism. Total devotion.

But never asking any questions: why those lacks were programmed to us in the first place? How to remove those lacks within us? Do we need the so-called job satisfaction, is there any other way to experience the joy of self expression ? Why do we the bees keep on polishing and oiling the engines of capitalism just so that we can go home with that happy feeling of a good day's work done ? why is that we rely on capitalism to give us the meaning and joy of life ? why is that our lives are so defined by the rewards of capitalism ?

Can we see the trap upon trap, how we have been trapped all along just so that we will end up serving the system of capitalism and its bedfellows? It seems like our whole life is just about serving the capitalism, and then dying out old and useless. people take so much joy in working for 30 years or 40 years, very proudly they will recall how devoted they were to large corporations etc. I mean it doesn't' matter which organization you worked for, the very reason that joy of life is found through employment and job satisfaction just sucks. It goes to show how much we the bees are programmed to commit our lives to the capitalistic mold from day one of our lives. As if we are born to be employed for the system of capitalism.

Is there any better way to live and be a productive member of society ?

Yes, indeed. Within Equal Money System and Equal Labor System in place, my purpose and joy is not about making money or getting rewarded by a carrot and stick capitalism. Every human will be taken care of by the Equal Money with an assured unconditional living allowance from birth to death. And within Equal Labor, i don't' compete with anyone, because with equal pay, all work is equally appreciated and therefore no tension, no stress, no fears of loss, no rewards, no so-called job satisfaction, because life is already satisfied. The starting point is one of satisfaction, Therefore going to work simply means self expression not to make some CEO happy, rather to contribute to humanity, So that humans can live in dignity due to my contribution as a worker. That is the purpose of a job, and that is the real job satisfaction, that I contributed to the betterment of this planet and its inhabitants.

Making your manager or boss or your CEO happy is just a preprogrammed trap, which serves only the interest of capitalism and its bedfellow and none other.

So I am one vote for Equal Life Party to bring about an Equal Money System and Equal Labor system for all of us. That is where the real job satisfaction is found.

Status Meetings

I am here. Today is Monday Jan 17th 2011, my daily blogging continues.

I attended a weekly status meeting today, with 20 other co workers. Very fascinating experience, what happens and what really goes on within in the board rooms of capitalistic building blocks. Yes boardrooms are the building blocks of capitalism, where decisions are made and executed. Profits are promised, people are hired and fired, within all that the element of care is never considered.

But who is really this capitalist? Anyone who participate in this money system is a capitalist. so naturally, i am a capitalist, in fact everyone in this world is actually a capitalist. nobody can escape capitalism. Within the meeting rooms, we simply get to see an inner point of view of capitalism.

As the status meeting got started, i can feel a strong sense of fear got into me. As i have not made much progress in the last past week, so i was apprehensive about facing the meeting. i was sitting about half way around the circle of workers. I couldn't accomplish much in the previous week, yes i had some logistic challengers, some technical difficulties etc. But more than that, i gave into fears of not been able finish the job. I entertain thoughts of not finishing the assignment, i perceived myself giving up on the job. And they do compound, each such thought of giving up compounds. My compounding moment was in the meeting, when my turn came up, i was overtaken by energy of self-doubt and self-fears. I can hear myself giving bullshit excuses one after another, as to why my progress is still lacking etc.

Granted, i could have simply focused on my job, made a list of things to achieve, and get it done one by one. I mean, had i remained here as the living breath, here, i could have accomplished much within the last week. I had lost the breath many times, found it difficult focusing on my breathing, so naturally couldn't pay much attention to work details, hence, i didn't have much progress to show. so an immediate consequence was, i was made the 'owner' meaning, i was given full responsibility for the feature i am working on. so any questions, concern from anyone within the organization will be directed towards me. wow, that is a big role. now i have to really take charge, and take ownership of the assignment, and deliver it. Be accountable and responsible for the work i am hired to do. I tend to just like writing the software but not so responsible for making it available for the eventual users of it. i leave it once the design and development is done. meaning, i leave it half baked. i just do the fun part, and leave the not so fun part to others, or i simply don't bother about it, until a consequence is forced upon me.

So as each one present his/her status, you get to see the real solders of capitalism at work. each is trying to survive, pay their rent, mortgages, car payments, so for all those bills, we simply totally give into the demands of capitalistic culture. But do we have a choice ? None whatsoever. Either die or surrender to work culture, to capitalistic culture. Status meetings are fun sites to see how humans are really a bunch of slaves to this economic model we have.

while my self-application is improving thanks to the demands of work. there is no other way, i have to learn to live breath by breath and apply myself to whatever i do. be at work or home, i live as breath by breath. so self application is important everywhere. so thanks to the lovely capitalistic culture, i get to self apply all the desteni tool even more vigorously. i have no choice.

Then, i imagine how it would be to work without ever having to worry about been fired, or lacking money etc. The driving current is money, as fear of poverty, fear of not having money, is what really driving us humans. At team meetings, this fear shows up really nicely. As capitalists keep pushing on us workers, we just do it all for the money.

Money is the god, who decide who will live and who will die. The energetic possession i felt at work today was really due to the hidden fears of losing my income. i mean, wtf, do i really care of employment? i love to write software, but i sure don't need the stress of deadlines and whatnot. But i have no choice, i need the money to live, so i have to find the most effective way to get the job done. Again, self application of breath as living here, in the physical is the key. Live here as the breath, focus here, not in the thoughts, just here as the breath, will get any job done. I need to survive within this money system.

At status meetings, i am getting closer and closer to Equal Money System, and Equal Labor System, as i am convinced without a single doubt, how mad and crazy is the capitalistic work cultures and their systems are. I mean, this mad race is only creating stress to the point of death and destruction. I am unconditionally a one vote for equal pay, equal money and equal labor, Yes, i need to learn to be more responsible at work, capitalism is no excuse not to finish an assignment on time. Capitalist or not, i must work/live within breath by breath to finish what is at hand. No excuses there.

But this fucking capitalism and its curse must end. the fear of not getting a job done must end, let work be a self expression, let plannings and deadlines be common sense and practical, not life sucking mindless lines where life and death is decided by money. Yes, deadlines are need to finished things on time, but how deadly should the deadline be? for the capitalistic system, deadline means, you die while the rich live sucking your blood. very funny.

So, my focus must improve, living within the breath must improve, my self application of breath must improve, more and more, i must just live here, as i improve in self discipline. so that i will be here, not inside my head. thanks to the demands of capitalism, i am forced to become self disciple, to be here in the physical/breath more and more.

There is no doubt, capitalism must end, the curse of capitalism must end. Status meetings should be where we simply discuss how to accomplish something, how to finish something, how to find creative solutions, etc etc, Status meetings are not session for the human body to experience intense tension and stress, due to fear of losing that income. the fucking pay check. of course, who will i be without an income in this reality? a dead man walking in fact. As there are no systems to care, to support anyone.

Equal Money will sort that out. Equal money, Equal Labor will make 'working' an awesome experience, as it would be self expression. I for one, will love writing code, without the fear of losing it all. I know I will benefit from Equal Money. My entire approach to work will change.

Within Equal Labor and Equal Money Systems, I will enjoy status meetings at work.

Jailbreak

I am here, today is Sunday Jan 16^th, my daily blogging continues.

Started the day with thinking of course, tons of thoughts as I woke up this morning. As I kept on thinking I noticed my anger and frustration was getting amplified. This very clearly shows as I think I compound my situation. Whatever it is, cannot rely on thoughts to guide me. I mean, I am here, I breathe, tons of breathing of course. I remain here. Then I see/realizes that all beings are just like me, they are trying their best to survive, as money is the driving power of this reality. So in this, they put up their deceit and lies to survive. Not even realizing that all our thoughts are preprogrammed, we are conditioned and programmed to think, very specifically to think nastily. Even if the beings in my reality try to fuck me up, I realize this is not a personal attack on me, I mean they are conditioned to destroy . they are conditioned to mistrust and mistreat, likewise myself to conditioned to think nastily and bad stuff about others and their destroy their lives.

We are equal and one in our badness. There is no one really has broken free from the conditioning of the mind. This is what this process is about , to jailbreak from the conditioning of the mind. I feel fortunate to have these self-tools to assist me in this jailbreak, there are many humans in our world not even know such possibility exist. Now I know, I am a conditioned preprogrammed robot, but I also I can break free. This is a long process, long way to , my tool is my breath, here. In fact, above all the other tools, I must remain here as the breath, for sure. No self forgiveness can assist if I don’t’ remain here as breath. Earlier I used to do a lot of self forgiveness but I rarely remained here as breath. It has not been that effective, I must be here as breath, then, only then, a possibility of a jailbreak exist.

Cannot use thought to undo another thought. Hence, breath is the only key, yes, along with self-forgiveness and self-honesty and other desteni tools.  But MUST REMAIN as BREATH here.

Everyone is here, and I am here. As I remain here as breath, I kind of feel that there are beings who need my support in my reality, and for that first, I must remain as breath. I must suspend all my thoughts, then and only then, my support for others can be of any use to them. Otherwise it is my mind trying to assist others, very unlikely prospect. That does not work as mind cannot assist as it is very conditioning is to destroy.

So today, more and more I realize the urgency of breath and remaining here as breath.

Breath a lot.  Storms will come, no doubt. Screaming humans will come, cranky kids will come, angry managers will come, deceitful lovers will come, deceit of all kinds will come, sickness will come, and lastly the death will come, then, what will remain here? I alone will remain, WTF, then, why can’t I remain here as me, as the breath of life right here right now, this very moment? Do I need my mind to think all day and night for me to exist ? Nope, I am here as the breath.

So that’s all for today.

Dealing with Jealousy

I am here. This one life, how am I living it is the question. Just existing as a robot programmed by society, fears, and media are bullshit. I cannot live as a robot. Obviously I am living as a robot, continuously giving into fears.

At the moment, one of the major patterns I give into is reacting when my wife speaks to other males. In other words, I go into jealousy as I see her communicate with other males. Obviously this reaction of mine is not fukcing cool, I mean WTF. Am I trying to control her life, how she live, how she talks, who she talks to etc. Goes without saying, I am living with a 200 years ago male’s mentality. I am basically telling her, listen: don’t talk to any other males, because I am the only one you should ever communicate, because obviously you are my property, i.e. my wife. So either obey my rule or leave. Either don’t’ make me jealous or just leave.

Strange. It is a shame with all the self-corrective tools and self-understandings, I am still living like a man from the 18th century, when it comes to possession of love. WTF. In this I am really sort of choking her ways of living, I am imprisoning her by denying her to have any male friends as she would like to. It is entirely up to her, whom she wants to communicate, and how she wants communicate etc. Of course, in her friendships with other males, if she indeed develop something more than a friendship then, obviously things will move on, a new direction for all of us. I mean, she is not going to live in a triangle, she will simply move on. So why the fuck do I unnecessarily entertain thoughts of suspicions and doubts about her as she communicates with other males? I am becoming a control freak, rather I have always been this control freak in relationships, always want to own the woman I am ‘in love’ with, not realizing in that I actually will end up killing the very love and the relationship. Because who wants to be with a male dominating control freak, packed with jealousy and possessiveness?

So this is a major drama going on in my life lately, I mean on/off this pattern shows up. I am never relaxed while I see her in communication with other males. This pattern of mine must be deleted, or else condemn myself to life long isolation and loneliness.
So how can I over this bullshit for once and for all? Certainly I must correct this bullhist otherwise it will haunt my whole life. Obviously first step is breath. Be the living breath here. Live as breath, because jealousy cannot exist within the breath, the pattern of jealousy cannot exist while I am here as breath. Mind is needed for jealousy to exist. Thoughts are needed for jealousy to exist. MCS is needed for jealousy to exist. Me here as the physical as the breath cannot possibly exist in and as jealousy. In fact breath is the only way to counter any mind pattern.

Breath is the boat to sail over any storm.

So clearly my commitment is first to live as breath, no matter what. As Bernard said many times, stay within the breath no matter what. I cannot control the self trust of another, I cannot control the self honesty of another. I cannot control the life principles of another. She talks, she talks, she goes, she goes. I am here as breath. It is her direction to decide ‘who she is’ within her reality. My question is, who am I and what will I accept and allow? Always, self first. I am the first point of correction, I am the first point of self-trust and self-honesty to focus on. Am I am trustworthy ? am I self honest ? can I be trusted with life, are the question I must answer ?
I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to exist as thoughts feelings and emotions of jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts and feelings and then believe my jealousy to be real.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind when it says that I have all the reasons to be jealous.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to mistrust others and use that as a cover up to cover my own self mistrust.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to hide myself behinds another’s perceived manners of speak.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I own my wife and that she cannot talk to any other males.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to possess my wife as if she is my property.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to be so possessive.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to find all the right justifications to prove that my restrictions are valid. That I have the right to place restrictions for her.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that I can tell her not have male friends in her reality.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have and like females as my friends.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the females friends I have and yet deny my wife any male friends.

Clearly I am fearing my own bullshit. I am fearing my own self-deceit. I am living as a belief system for the sake of self interest and desire. WTF.
So the corrective solution is live as breath and not as any concepts. Never giving to the mind, no matter what. Never give up the breath, no matter what. I am here.
Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to follow thoughts of jealousy within me.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself  to doubt others, Instead I focus on me.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to worry what another is doing behind my back, rather, I focus on my own self-honesty.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to worry about another trustworthiness, rather, I develop my own self-trust. I become trustworthy.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to be concerned about another mannerisms, rather, I focus on my own life principles. It is what I do, that matters.

It is what I stand for that matters.

It is my own self trust that matters.

I am here as breath. Every breath in fact.