Self-Exorcism is about Self-Breathing and Self-Forgiveness. Kill Thy Demons.

Daily blogging, self writing continues, and it should, accepting and allowing anything less than daily writing is form of laziness and self abuse. I am here, in this process to self birth myself as life, so I must commit to it, taking the least resistant path is no self application. Anyways.

Here I am. breathing.  I must remind myself that this is self-writing. I am writing to support myself, this is not a lecture or preach material for the readers. Readers however can assist themselves if they find anything useful in this. Oops, I see a kid throwing angry tantrums at another kid, looks very much like how grown up humans behave. Certainly looking at myself, god, how i lose it all when anger takes on over me.

Today I listened to Bernard Poolman's vid titled "Parasatic Ego" very cool points, I highly recommend you watch it, not once but few times. I need to watch it hear it, a few more times. He explains how an emotional construct gets build up and turn itself into a demon. By giving it energy and repeated thinking about it, an emotional construct can take a life of its own leading oneself into a demon, anything from murder, rape, stealing, killing can happen, just because one accept and allow a singular emotional construct to gain momentum within the mind.

Such a dangerous construction, yet one is not without help. Breathing, self forgiveness are the tools of self exorcism.  These are the days of the demons. I know i have been demonic, thank god, nothing serious happened, which means i still have a chance to rebirth myself and live a pretty decent life that is good for me and for rest of humanity.

I have committed myself for the next 21 days, to discipline myself to breathe often here now. Also to intensify my spoken self forgiveness activities. I have the time, the opportunity, the space, I mean i got all i need, and I am on vacation from this Friday, so why not, give myself totally into walking as breath here and applying self forgiveness. I on vacation, I don't need to think. I need to just breathe.

This is the real vacation I will give to myself, to breathe and self forgive the whole time. And I will myself to do it. I  don't need thinking nor thoughts to entertain me nor give me a sense of self. I am here as breath. God. for once, let me apply myself for real.

Self-hell is just a thought away.

it doesn't take too long to manifest self-hell nowadays. i noticed that today. i was at a meeting about 10 of us sitting around, instead of talking the subject matter most people tend to drift towards their self importance. most of the time i sat without any judgement or thinking, it was ok, i didn't suffer.

then, for some reasons i started to participate in thoughts of critics and judgement, i started to blame few within my mind. i could actually count the number of thoughts i was engaged in, just a few. viola, moments later, some energetic irritation, frustration took over me, as if something boiled over within me. i started to speak. suddenly i was on the attack, i started to blame and blame, it so happened i picked the most 'innocent looking person' in the group, i attacked him with blame. of course, if you look at my reasons they look logical, but what you will not see is that my outburst was a consequential outflow of few thoughts i just had minutes ago.

it was hell, self hell made by self for self. yes i could have stopped the participation in thinking, but i didn't, so it was too late when i got energetically possessed. it seems it is easier stop thinking than to stop the outburst of energy either as anger or irritation.

i learned a big lesson today, hope it won't cost me anything, as at workplace such outburst are considered  'unprofessional' and 'trouble' to say the least. i thought i am a cool guy, not really it all depends on how much pressure is there at the moment, and how much i think about it. as they all contribute to the consequential outflow of events, in this case, a self-hell.

i have to change. i mean i will stop this bullshit. i will stop myself from any and all forms of thinking. the moment i see  i am on a path of judgement i will stop. the moment i see i am on self pity or self judgement i will just stop. it doesn't take me anywhere but self hell. today i didn't stop them, i allowed and accepted the thoughts and energy that came with it. i made my self hell for me. certainly there was no god to save my ass.

it is really time for self responsibility. its high time i take a serious look at my secret mind and its hidden chambers. i am so used to energetic outbursts, and this is how i have been living, and this is how i have been creating hell for me.

ok past is past. now i have a new breath. i am determined to be here as breath. as anything else is really hell. the next outburst will be even worse, as everything is now compounding.

Looking again at the meeting scene, i can see my drama also got another angle. it is do with wanting attention from others.  gosh what a price to pay for that.

"In life and in death, you're alone", forgetting that i rush for attention, be it positive attention or negative attention, wanting to grab other's their attention, their energy, all to just fill me up. had i remained here as breath, i could have participated in the meeting usefully and if needed direct others gracefully to stay focused within the agenda of the meeting.

ok i start again.

Happiness is a decision.

cannot live like this. a decision must be made on how i am going to live the rest of my life. right now, i am basically a robot, totally controlled by anything and anyone. i rely on others to make me feel good, i want others to give me total attention, everything about me atm requires the other. when the other is not so forthcoming, i resort to blame, with a nasty sharp tongue i go on blaming. in other words, i am not living a self responsible life that is good for me and good for others. so i can see until i take total self responsibility things aren't going to look pretty. in fact, things are really going to get bad, worse in fact.

apparently May-21-2011 the so called preprogrammed life of mine is over, now either i must stand up as a responsible human or just perish. well just dying away is a useless option, so might as well really consider what it means to be a living human being.

i have to decide what am i going to allow and not allow. all kinds of emotional bullshits are running my life now, i let any little thing become a big hill. i let any little challenge turn into a big fear, well a long list of bullshits i have accepted and allowed within me as me, and i live that shit.

so this is the decision i must make: at every breath, am i willing to breathe with awareness, become here, be here, then consider what is best for all, in that not giving into the momentum of the ego. this decision doesn't mean i am a saint over night, nor transcended all points over night, no not at all. the decision simple means that i am willing myself to live one breath at a time. yes focusing on the small picture, the breath by breath picture, and then make it effective. while at the same time, relentlessly participating in Equal Money.

a decision to give up the old ways must be made. a decision to give up the fears must be made, a decision to give up the old patterns must be made. the core of this decision is to live as breath, NO MATTER WHAT.

so tonight, it is my decision, i embark myself on this great journey of life, to rebirth myself as life, by simply making a decision to live as breath. here. i cannot let anything to enter my inner space, no motion, no motion, no lose motion, no judgement, no fear no thoughts, no egos, no history, no past, no anxiety, no abuse, no hate, no anger, no rage, no hate, no personality, no 'I', all there is simply the breath here, and then directing self to do what is best for all.

Rebirthing self as life through the physical is a decision. Like they say in spiritual new age bullshit circles, 'Happiness is a decision'. And that decision is to live as breath no matter what.

Avoiding self-forgiveness is nasty to self.

i haven't done any self forgiveness for a week or so now. Much resistance. this is not cool. no matter what self forgiveness must be written or spoken. i mean the core of this process is self forgiveness, the rest follows. for a week or more now, i am not directing myself to do any self forgiveness, i have listened to a lot of videos by Bernard, but not much self forgiveness. this is compounding i can see. its allowing me go into the mind, be nasty etc, to construct mind hell etc. however i continue with daily blogging which is cool, but neglecting SF is not cool. so here i direct myself to self forgive me. i have been a nasty fucker lately.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself by avoiding self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to neglecting me and go into the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live within the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoid self forgiving me b'c then i can go and exist in the mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want listen to my mind and make
hell for everyone.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and think and think.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my feelings.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stop my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to myself rather exist
within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow thoughts emotions and
feelings to drive me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as desires and fears.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as neediness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as neediness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as want and needs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to crave for sex.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire and crave for sex.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always put sex first.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the desires of the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the emotional patterns within the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into thinking its emotions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoiding forgiving me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing SF b'c then i have to live it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable being just the
mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to like been  just the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy been the mind then i have no
responsibility. just think and feel all day.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as robotic zombie in the few day even physically appearing like a emotional mophy kind of a sad dude.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as sadness and depression.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into the mind of sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be spiteful.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to hurt and harm otehrs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to abuse others not realising all shit i give to others is what i am doing to me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to self abuse me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to postpone self forgiveness and
fallback into the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that today i gave into
the mind. listening to the mind is just shitty thing to do. b'c the mind will never give up, it will try to destroy. but i must stand up. i must walk . i must stop the patterns.

i am here.

When I die, all my shit will die with me.

obsessed by a series of thoughts, the more i think the more they compound. so have to breath get into the physical, in all this self honesty is vital. otherwise i could be breathing just avoid the real issues here. i cannot avoid anything, breathing is not about avoiding anything, rather, been here, and facing all points here as me. everything is here as myself. i cannot run, i cannot avoid, i cannot escape, i cannot hide, i can't even die, because in the afterlife i will have to face myself.

so what is my point? i have tons of shit i am not facing within me. i am avoiding, clearly i am not willing to discuss them here either. so that is a point of self dishonesty. if this writing is self writing then why am i not discussing my hidden issues here? i feel bit of shame that i still carry shit within me. well that is the whole point, to undo inner shit piece by piece until nothing remains. either that or simply die with full of shit, then vanish anyways.

when i die of course, all my shit dies with me, nothing will be left here. as long as i live i can carry my shit within me, talk about them, hide them, react from them, make a big mountain out of them, all that drama, till i die. then, all is over.

Or in one breath, i can simply remain here, not allowing to be directed by my mind at all, simply be here. the mind will tell all kinds of stories and dramas, whereas the physical has no stories, only the mind got dramas, physical is simply here. the breath is simply here. mind is the breaker of things, the frag-mentor, while the physical is the defragmentor, like the old DOS defrag program, which reassembles fragmented physical memory into nice wholesome piece.

so what does it mean then? simply never allow to go into the mind. at every breath, just be here as the breath, within the principle that all things here are equal and one as life. every being here is equal and one as life. every plant animal here is equal one as life. understanding those principles just be here as the breath of life. i mean, if all here is life, then, why bother 'think' through a plan of defense? if all is life here, then why bother to be self protective ? if all is life here, then why bother to be selfish ?

clearly for the mind, not all things here are life, for the mind only the thoughts and feelings are life. As mind is regenerated with thoughts/emotions/feelings.

god, i want to try this, can i just for a day, live as breath, just for a day, or at least few hours, just as breath, not allowing single thought to be taken over. just for few hours, can i just be the breath of life? can i live as breath of life for just few hours? no thoughts, no thinking, for few hours. i want to prove to myself that i will not die by stopping my mind for few hours.

i am going to try this, just live as breath for few hours, will see how it goes. wonder what will happen to all my shit when i stop the mind/thinking for few hours. for sure, when i die my shit will die with me, so when i stop the mind, my shit will stop with it, until i start thinking again.

lets try that.

The fact is, I don't want to change myself.

well, so much going on. a mind construct i am working on has been on hold for a while now. so tonight instead of blogging i am going to do that MC. there is perhaps deep seated believe that i cannot really change, so these mind constructs really not going to change me, they may outline as who/what i live myself as, but can they change me? no. so i carry that belief system within me. here i am standing on my own bullshit justifications, i can see i am a changed person compare to my pre-desteni days. so yes change has happened, indeed, so how did that self change i see in me happened? well application of self forgiveness and self honesty and participation in desteni process has been effective, then how could i so adamantly say that mind-construct cannot change me ? i don't know if they can change me or not, but clear fact is i have not done a proper mind construct on my own, always avoiding them. whereas i have done self forgiveness on my own.

so until i do apply a desteni tool as it should be, i cannot really say if it is assisting me or not. here i am blindly avoiding mind constructs. it has been awaiting for me for a long time now.

i can see i have a deep seated believe that i cannot be change, or near impossible to self change me at the very core of me. perhaps that is why i am avoiding MC, or resonant course works.

well just have to do it. i realise that i am fucked very much, but that is no excuse, i also realise that by applying the tools consistently and pushing myself along with the tools, i can self help me. the key is self application. giving into the idea that i cannot be change, is worse form of self pity, its like saying i should be dead, why am i living etc.

i stop here. i walk this process, with tools in hand, i apply me, i push myself to apply the tools. Be it Mind constructs, or resonant course works, or self writing, or self-vlogging, or self forgiveness, i just do them, consistently.

do it regularly, consistently, then self will see the self change,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am unchangeable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am a hopeless case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that doing a mind-construct is useless because its not going to change me anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing Mind Constructs because i inherently believe that i cannot be changed, i am this, and this is it. how could anyone change me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like been an ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the way i am so why bother to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my bullshit existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that i don't' need change, and that i cannot be change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am beyond fixing. i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am so bad that i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have zero self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push people away who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid those who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like people who promote my mind constructs. so i can feel at home with them. no need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  carry a deep seated self belief that i cannot be changed. no matter how amazing desteni tools are, they just cannot change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that how could i ever be like those destonians at the farm, could i change myself to be like them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others so that its justifying not applying desteni tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just like the way i am, so no need to change. b'c i don't' like change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear undoing my bullshit mind-patterns. i would rather be that.

i stop the mind patterns.
i stop fearing change.
i embrace change.
i embrace self change.
i stop the self pity.
I am breath of life.
i stop being the ego
i stop the mind patterns.
i am here as the breath.
i don't' need mind patterns to tell me how to live my life.
i am breath.
i am here as physical.
i am one and equal to all here.
i don't need my mind to tell me how to live.
i am changing.
i am self change.
i change myself.
i will myself to change myself.
i stop fearing to change me so it is best for all.
i am here as breath of life.
i am change.
i change.
i stop fearing mind constructs.

i am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this deep seated belief that i cannot be changed. this is the biggest self fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i don't want to change. i have not allowed myself to change. i holding back change. i am avoiding change. i am not pushing myself to change. its all still a drama, not real change is there, because i have not allowed me to change, yet. i am still falling back to the old style of ways.

Freedom after 350 billion years of mind enslavement ?

I am here.

Who am I?

A good question to ask indeed. Let me see how to self define myself as is right now.

I am a blamer, I love to blame, and have been a blamer for a long time now. As if from the time I wake up in the morning, my radar is on to find faults . of course with family members I have done this extensively. I realize that I am responsible for everyone and everything, meaning, even to what other people do/say, I am responsible for . In principle I understand that, blame cannot exist, I cannot blame anyone for anything, as it/he/she exist within me as me, so I am responsible for even what others do.

Individually I have to stop that within me, and perhaps be an example for others to follow. Nobody likes to listens to a preacher, they will follow examples, living examples. Blamers are hated. I have seen that mostly in my dad, how he blames, even when he has a valid point, I find it near impossible to ‘listen’ to him, simply because he is operating in that mode of blaming.

Instead of simply looking at a point here, in common sense, he goes on and on about it, blaming. It’s a difficult presence to be in, while that blaming is going on. I am a duplicate copy of my dad, I blame just like him, only the subject matters differ. I used to hate his presence, now I breathe and breathe not allowing my judgments of him to get carried away.  He can test me every moment, even how he drinks his tea used to bother me, the sipping sound he makes, that annoying sound he makes while chewing, as if he is deliberately trying to annoy me. Now I realize, I have conditioned myself to react in annoyance to my dad. It is my own conditioned behavior, nothing else.
I am a robot. I have conditioned myself to behave in certain ways in certain situations. Some are known most are unknown, surprises waiting to happen. Yet it’s all within me, exist as conditioned pre programmes, how I react, how I speak, how I look, how I stare, how I blame, how I eat, how I wear cloths, how I smile, how I laugh, how I feel, how I think, how I value things, how I like/dislike things, are all preprogrammed. By who? Well, I programmed myself into this robot that I am here now.

Is there a way out of this robot existence? Yes, live as breath here every breath here, missing a single breath means I allow myself to be a robot, living as every breath means, now I have a chance to be a non-robot.
It is such freedom to not to carry all that past, worry, concerns, anxiety, memories, what-ifs, doubts, fears, blames, feelings, emotions, addictions, highs and lows, depressions, etc etc etc.

It’s nice to be here for a change. So no matter how I try to answer the question, ‘who am I’, I come to the same conclusion, and I am a fucking robot, enslaved to my own mind. Not a pretty picture isn’t it. 

“What is 70 years or 7 years with regards to 350 billion years we have been ‘lost and enslaved’ within this existence?” – Portal writings by www.desteni.co.za

i am here, breathing.

I must face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my feelings not realizing these feelings are results of my thoughts past and present, that I infact created these thoughts and feelings for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so heavy within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to avoid the feeling of heaviness within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want run away from what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from what I experience within me right now. Not realizing I have made this for myself. I have created this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have the simple power and responsibility to stop my thoughts emotions and feelings simply by stopping the thoughts. Instead just being here as breath I allow myself to ‘think’ allow me to follow the thoughts within me into a river of thoughts. In that I get drained in emotions and feelings. I forgive me, I give me to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ran away into happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want escape from what I am feeling now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want avoid my emotions and feelings. Not realizing I cannot avoid them, because it is me right now, I have made this for myself. Here or there, here on earth or in the afterlife, I cannot avoid myself, I have to face myself all of me. So for now, myself includes my thoughts and emotions. I am here as breath of life.

Here or there, in the physical or in death, I must face myself, there is no escape from me. I cannot avoid me, I cannot avoid myself as my thoughts and emotions. They will follow me. Until I stop them.

There is so much shit going on in this world, so much suffering going on in this world, self inflicted and environmentally inflicted, yet I ignore them and only focus on my little thoughts and feelings. I am always trapped in my own mind creations. I have allowed me to think and feel and exist within my thoughts and emotions. I am here. I have a responsibility to stop this mind bullshit within me. I do so by simply being here as the breath. I stop my thoughts and emotions by simply being here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up the thoughts. Because they give me so much comfort and security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop following my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to just be here as the physical as the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depress within me. Not realizing in one breath I can stop it. I am here in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than my thoughts and emotions. I am here equal and one to all of me, everything of me. I am equal and one to all and everything of me. I cannot run from me, I cannot avoid me.
No running from myself. I am here as self responsibility. I am here as self breath. I breathe here. I remain here as breath. Instead of looking for the next rush to get a high, either thru sex or this or that, I remain here as breath. I remain here as my physical.

I realize the sufferings of this world, I mean from so much starvation, murder, rape, torture, poverty, hunger, slavery, sickness, disease, loneliness, isolation, homelessness, gosh, a long long list indeed. Yet all I do is worry about my next high, my next round of sex, or next round of emotional high, how to be happy is my quest. I stop this madness, after all, with death all that is not real will end. Wtf.
I am here. I know all that I am chasing now will end, as none is real. So realizing the world’s mess, I know I understand I have a responsibility to stand up, to speak up against the bullshit that is going on. Speaking up in a constructive way, not just protesting and screaming, rather, speak with and the equal life party and one and equal to it. But I just focus on my thoughts, emotions and feelings, always looking for the next happiness. That is just total selfishness. Yes I have first responsibility for self-care. I have to take care of me, but that doesn’t mean total ignorance of world suffering.
I am here. I stop the depression within me, I stop the sadness within me. I stop the emotional loathing within me, I stop the self pity within me, I stop the nag within me, I stop the anger within me, I stop the doubt within me, I stop the craving within me, I stop the lust within me, I stop the envy within me,  but how exactly will I do all those ? Just simply being here as breath. I am the breath of life. Here as the physical, it is the mind that is fucking everything.
I forgive me. I forgive myself.

Resistance to Daily Blogging

I am here breathing, today is Jan 24th 2011. My daily blogging continues.

Continue to feel heavy resistance to writing today again. But no excuses, pushing myself to pen down few words. I mean WTF, why so much resistance, am I trying to rob a bank here or what. Simply writing myself out to freedom, isn't that a such bad thing, to feel so much resistance. It all goes to show there is something within me hell bend on taking the path of least resistance, avoiding freedom at any cost. This means i am already preprogrammed to live a robot life, so any attempt to rescript myself through writing is not going to be easy. Its in the very base design of myself to give up and give in, never take the courageous step to self-introspect, let alone share it with others on a daily bases. Yes all goes to show re-birthing as life is  journey against the momentum of preprogramming. I mean had i decided to watch TV right now, specially with some porn scenes there will no resistance at all, instead my mind will give all kinds of justifications to indulge in TV/porn. Again it goes to the degree of preprogramming that exist within me as me. I have allowed all this conditioning within me, of course.

So no blaming, rather see the pattern and walk thru it, do what must be done. So here I am writing myself to freedom. Even finding a topic is very tough, I often feel there is nothing to write about, although i very well know there are tons of issues to write about within the principle of common sense.

Writing to freedom is not about story telling or a history review, rather here writing means deconstruction of my accepted and allowed reality within and without. This is no soap, this is reality and recreating a new reality for humanity and for myself.

I am here breathing.

So tonight I want to write about resistance, a point i experienced at work today.

My team leader after reviewing my work stuff, he recommended new things to be done. In that very moment, I raised my voice in a very unconscious manner, to the point of anger almost, but certainly a strong unconscious resistance to do any 'more' work items as he suggested. I mean wtf, i am there to work, and i am given an assignment, the first thing i do is RESIST.

This is an all too familiar pattern within me. My reaction is to resist, trying to avoid, trying to skip, of course, moments later i realise my madness, immediately did some patch up statements and agree to finish the new assignments. Of course, the capitalist system is not very tolerant to those who show resistance to work, i mean that is what this 'work ethics' are all about, to make sure that we remain good workers. Of course the question of why i resist to work is never asked, but i know, i am simply preprogrammed to live a lazy lethargic pattern of life. Unacceptable. It is my base design. But here I am, undoing my resonant structural design of who i am to the very core.

I name the game, then I self-forgive and then self-correct with a new script in hand. Yet, change is only visible and real when the rubber meets the road, meaning, when i am faced with that same point again. Only action will show have i physically changed or simply perceptually changed, meaning i think i have changed but in factual physical reality when faced with the same points, i am back to square one. So change is only real when the rubber meets the road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  resist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing anything new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing anything new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing myself out to freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  fear writing myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist expressing myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to be lazy and lethargic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to give into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my mind is correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like my mind's justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give into my minds
justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender to my mind's justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my preprogrammed resonant core design as 'normal',

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of my core resonant design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any changes against my core resonant design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist any actions against my core resonant design. meaning i will only do what my mind says is correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise listening to my mind is like jumping to the river, it will never take me to freedom. as i must walk thru the momentum of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist daily vlogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing properly and correctly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing correct english statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing in a proper manner, instead give into the mind's laziness and write sloppy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing proper statements with correct grammar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying myself to self write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear writing believing that others may think that i am fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear self writing because i think others may laugh at my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear self writing believing that others are judging my writings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear writing because my mind has lots fears to self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always find an excuse each night to avoid doing my daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost hate daily blogging because resistance is so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the whole point of daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can think myself into rebirthing as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt self blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have nothing to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have nothing to write about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have nothing to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself as words here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist sharing myself here as words as life.

i am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my work at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying myself to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying myself to get the job done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any physical movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused concentration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused projects.
instead i just want to relax. not realising relaxing is here as me. i can relax while writing. in fact writing can be the most relaxing. and doing any work in fact is relaxing if i am here as the breath. its only the mind that gives stories and wanting to relax elsewhere. its never here.

i am here.

till here no further, i will not accept and allow resistance to self writing. i simply apply me.
i simply walk thru the resistances. i am here and i simply write myself out.

i am self trust. i am self willing to self birth as life.

i am life. i am here as my words. i am self writing. i am writing myself here. i am simply writing, and relaxing. i am here as the breath of life. as breath, i am always relaxed here.