Happiness is a decision.

cannot live like this. a decision must be made on how i am going to live the rest of my life. right now, i am basically a robot, totally controlled by anything and anyone. i rely on others to make me feel good, i want others to give me total attention, everything about me atm requires the other. when the other is not so forthcoming, i resort to blame, with a nasty sharp tongue i go on blaming. in other words, i am not living a self responsible life that is good for me and good for others. so i can see until i take total self responsibility things aren't going to look pretty. in fact, things are really going to get bad, worse in fact.

apparently May-21-2011 the so called preprogrammed life of mine is over, now either i must stand up as a responsible human or just perish. well just dying away is a useless option, so might as well really consider what it means to be a living human being.

i have to decide what am i going to allow and not allow. all kinds of emotional bullshits are running my life now, i let any little thing become a big hill. i let any little challenge turn into a big fear, well a long list of bullshits i have accepted and allowed within me as me, and i live that shit.

so this is the decision i must make: at every breath, am i willing to breathe with awareness, become here, be here, then consider what is best for all, in that not giving into the momentum of the ego. this decision doesn't mean i am a saint over night, nor transcended all points over night, no not at all. the decision simple means that i am willing myself to live one breath at a time. yes focusing on the small picture, the breath by breath picture, and then make it effective. while at the same time, relentlessly participating in Equal Money.

a decision to give up the old ways must be made. a decision to give up the fears must be made, a decision to give up the old patterns must be made. the core of this decision is to live as breath, NO MATTER WHAT.

so tonight, it is my decision, i embark myself on this great journey of life, to rebirth myself as life, by simply making a decision to live as breath. here. i cannot let anything to enter my inner space, no motion, no motion, no lose motion, no judgement, no fear no thoughts, no egos, no history, no past, no anxiety, no abuse, no hate, no anger, no rage, no hate, no personality, no 'I', all there is simply the breath here, and then directing self to do what is best for all.

Rebirthing self as life through the physical is a decision. Like they say in spiritual new age bullshit circles, 'Happiness is a decision'. And that decision is to live as breath no matter what.

Be present here in the moment.

I am here. breathing, Feb 9, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Yeh, not being present in the moment is uncool. today, a coworker came to my cube wanting to inquire about some issue, but i was too involved in my own work stuff, and i couldn't step out of it and be present to this being who is here, wanting to find some information. even though i came around to it, was listening to what he got to say etc, but i was not really there. i was thinking about what i was doing, not really listening to him. a single breath would have eased up the issue,

so naturally i really didn't' pick what he was asking me, so i gave a half baked solution, he was bit pissed off with that, as he was going away, he didn't hesitate to show off his anger at me, very subtly of course. my justification was i was too tired from last night, having not slept much, meaning got interrupt few times in the middle of deep sleep by a snoring human, so all day, i told myself that i am tired. not cool. this breath i am here, just breath, i am here, i mean i am not falling down from sleepiness, its just a bit of yawning. alertness of mind comes from breath, from breathing here, not from long hours of sleeping.

so when the guy came for information, i was either in the mind thinking that i am tired or, was tired because i have been thinking as such. the comment he made while leaving was bit rude, i got embarrassed, but hey, only if i accept and allow such bullshit within me. i mean he can say anything, even if he is half right, the embarrassment comes only if allow it. so no, i am here as breath.

But the whole thing came about because i was not here as breath, when the person came for some information. i couldn't' stop my stuff for a moment, and attend to his concerns. i can't do 2 things at the same time, so might as well do one thing properly within the breath, each breath.  its neglecting the breath here what caused the drama this morning, no need for it actually, a simple breath here, could have done a lot of good for us.

so a lesson learned, just this breath, i can only do whatever i do in this breath, so have to talk to someone, just talk, whatever is that you, just do it within the breath, within just this breath, equal and one to this breath and whatever is here within this breath. equal and one to all as life.

is it really he less important than what was i thinking at that moment? is he less than the thoughts i was having at that moment? if anything, it is my thoughts that needs least of my attention, all else is equal and one as life as me.

so everything that happens here in this moment/breath, is here as life, deal with it, fully equally. no thing is less than any 'other' thing.

its here, so it is equal and one as life. i am here with all equally. i don't' discriminate 'that' to be more important than 'this'.  all is here as life. i am here as breath.

so i am here in the moment, present fully and equally.

How to Make Friends.

I am here. Feb 1, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

I had a chat with my resonances today. So what i did learn from this chat? Other than establishing course work stuff, we discussed few very interesting things about my process. Yes, as it has been pointed out to me, the addiction to energy must be stopped. I mean, i have to stop it, the addiction for which, i have over and over again fall into, despite all the assistance i have been given. 

Energy addiction.

So my confusion is clear now, whereas before i thought it is my mind that desperately wants an energy feed, so i easily blame it on my mind. no more. I am the mind, yes I am the mind, me as the mind, seeking that energy like a hungry beast. so this is what an energy possession is all about for myself. Again, it is not the mind, it is me as the mind, who seek energy dose. 

So, I asked, can i go jogging, do house cleaning, do something physical to get rid of the energy possession. Well, if it is an act of running away from the energy possession, then NO. Can't run away from it, simply be here, breathe, and then do whatever physical activity that needs to be done. Mind and MInd alone is the cause, which is me of course. 

Another cool point was, how to listen to others while talking speaking etc. I tend to "look deep into the eye/soul of the being" while i listen, giving the impression that i am a great listener. Resonances pointed out that is separation. To listen, i have to be here first. In that, yes, I can listen, even make eye contact, naturally. Whereas me forcing an eye contact just to give the impression of listening, is separation, yes. I am here, totally here, no thinking, no back chat, I am here. In this, I simply listen to the being who is speaking or talking with me. 

Perhaps, I should just breathe while listening, that may help to stay here. 

So that's a few cool points for myself. Stop the energy possession, and just be here for effective listening, no need to look deep into the eyes of another to give the impression of listening. that is bullshit. I used to employ that trick to make friends, to get people to like me. 

So listen with all thyself here, in this yes, you may truly make friends, for you are here, entirely here, as the breath of life. And there exist no separation, equal and one to all that is here.