The fact is, I don't want to change myself.

well, so much going on. a mind construct i am working on has been on hold for a while now. so tonight instead of blogging i am going to do that MC. there is perhaps deep seated believe that i cannot really change, so these mind constructs really not going to change me, they may outline as who/what i live myself as, but can they change me? no. so i carry that belief system within me. here i am standing on my own bullshit justifications, i can see i am a changed person compare to my pre-desteni days. so yes change has happened, indeed, so how did that self change i see in me happened? well application of self forgiveness and self honesty and participation in desteni process has been effective, then how could i so adamantly say that mind-construct cannot change me ? i don't know if they can change me or not, but clear fact is i have not done a proper mind construct on my own, always avoiding them. whereas i have done self forgiveness on my own.

so until i do apply a desteni tool as it should be, i cannot really say if it is assisting me or not. here i am blindly avoiding mind constructs. it has been awaiting for me for a long time now.

i can see i have a deep seated believe that i cannot be change, or near impossible to self change me at the very core of me. perhaps that is why i am avoiding MC, or resonant course works.

well just have to do it. i realise that i am fucked very much, but that is no excuse, i also realise that by applying the tools consistently and pushing myself along with the tools, i can self help me. the key is self application. giving into the idea that i cannot be change, is worse form of self pity, its like saying i should be dead, why am i living etc.

i stop here. i walk this process, with tools in hand, i apply me, i push myself to apply the tools. Be it Mind constructs, or resonant course works, or self writing, or self-vlogging, or self forgiveness, i just do them, consistently.

do it regularly, consistently, then self will see the self change,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am unchangeable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am a hopeless case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that doing a mind-construct is useless because its not going to change me anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing Mind Constructs because i inherently believe that i cannot be changed, i am this, and this is it. how could anyone change me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like been an ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the way i am so why bother to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my bullshit existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that i don't' need change, and that i cannot be change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am beyond fixing. i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am so bad that i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have zero self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push people away who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid those who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like people who promote my mind constructs. so i can feel at home with them. no need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  carry a deep seated self belief that i cannot be changed. no matter how amazing desteni tools are, they just cannot change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that how could i ever be like those destonians at the farm, could i change myself to be like them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others so that its justifying not applying desteni tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just like the way i am, so no need to change. b'c i don't' like change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear undoing my bullshit mind-patterns. i would rather be that.

i stop the mind patterns.
i stop fearing change.
i embrace change.
i embrace self change.
i stop the self pity.
I am breath of life.
i stop being the ego
i stop the mind patterns.
i am here as the breath.
i don't' need mind patterns to tell me how to live my life.
i am breath.
i am here as physical.
i am one and equal to all here.
i don't need my mind to tell me how to live.
i am changing.
i am self change.
i change myself.
i will myself to change myself.
i stop fearing to change me so it is best for all.
i am here as breath of life.
i am change.
i change.
i stop fearing mind constructs.

i am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this deep seated belief that i cannot be changed. this is the biggest self fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i don't want to change. i have not allowed myself to change. i holding back change. i am avoiding change. i am not pushing myself to change. its all still a drama, not real change is there, because i have not allowed me to change, yet. i am still falling back to the old style of ways.

I am not a fucking joy killer.

i went a soccer tournament today, i found myself sitting between two soccer moms, one supporting the blue team and the other is green. obviously their sons were having fun in the field running after the ball and trying to score etc, but for the parents its a different story. they were so engaged in the game rather emotionally raising their voices in support for their kids and expressing frustration and bits of anger as the game went on.

first of all, yes its cool for the kids to have some fun in indoor soccer field in the middle of thick winter. they seem to have a great ball not much worried or getting all emotional but in the game sort to speak. for moms and dads they got 'carried away'. i was rather a silent dad sitting but not cheering like they do. i figure its something to with 'own child' thing perhaps, an egoic extension through children.

competitive sporting brings defense of ego in full action.

then i saw how i too participate in national sports following and get all crazy about it. same bullshit, sports adoration. soccer moms/dads just do for their kids. while i do it for the national team. its all forms of ego boosting thru one team or another.

within equality equation, physical sports activity for children need not take competitive form, rather as self expression children having fun with a soccer ball. no need to win or loss, no need for parents to feel so proud or shame about their kids. no need to praise how mighty athletic their boys are, or need to compare and feel good about self. all this is ego madness.

funny thing to observe is how parents shouting son's names as if their son is the only kid playing out there. And the verbal proclamations they do in the form of coaching/encouragement towards their kids is just amazing. "yes you can do it, get the ball, block it, take a shot, yes you do it, common now".  it sounds a bit like a religious session. and when a scoring happens, omg, parents just go crazy in their jubilant expressions.

i guess, it is what it is. while sitting listening to these backbench parents-turned-coach  i was thinking to myself, "what if is this child of yours is starving to death", kind of bitter question to ask, but the point is, "god you are so concern about your son scoring a goal, why not see the plight of million others who are suffering while you are having a soccer party?, yeah nasty on my part to think such. perhaps i was jealous since i don't have a son of mine playing out there, through whom i can feel so proud about myself. well may be so.

yet i cannot dismiss the fact, children having fun is a right for every child, not just for the rich, every child deserve to throw a soccer ball around and have some fun, it must be a right to not just a privilege.

i am one vote for equality in children's sports, so every kid can enjoy his/her childhood, play, run as he/she wishes. No child is ever denied the right to have fun in the fields, we will make sure a system of support will facilitate equality for all kids.

i mean, here only the rich get to have fun. yeah they all cheered the green team who won the game, but its really a shame, we all lose as long as someone is losing out there in this world.

one starving kid is one too many, and there is really nothing to cheer about, is there ? and don't fucking call me a joy killer.

I am not a fucking joy killer.

i went a soccer tournament today, i found myself sitting between two soccer moms, one supporting the blue team and the other is green. obviously their sons were having fun in the field running after the ball and trying to score etc, but for the parents its a different story. they were so engaged in the game rather emotionally raising their voices in support for their kids and expressing frustration and bits of anger as the game went on.

first of all, yes its cool for the kids to have some fun in indoor soccer field in the middle of thick winter. they seem to have a great ball not much worried or getting all emotional but in the game sort to speak. for moms and dads they got 'carried away'. i was rather a silent dad sitting but not cheering like they do. i figure its something to with 'own child' thing perhaps, an egoic extension through children.

competitive sporting brings defense of ego in full action.

then i saw how i too participate in national sports following and get all crazy about it. same bullshit, sports adoration. soccer moms/dads just do for their kids. while i do it for the national team. its all forms of ego boosting thru one team or another.

within equality equation, physical sports activity for children need not take competitive form, rather as self expression children having fun with a soccer ball. no need to win or loss, no need for parents to feel so proud or shame about their kids. no need to praise how mighty athletic their boys are, or need to compare and feel good about self. all this is ego madness.

funny thing to observe is how parents shouting son's names as if their son is the only kid playing out there. And the verbal proclamations they do in the form of coaching/encouragement towards their kids is just amazing. "yes you can do it, get the ball, block it, take a shot, yes you do it, common now".  it sounds a bit like a religious session. and when a scoring happens, omg, parents just go crazy in their jubilant expressions.

i guess, it is what it is. while sitting listening to these backbench parents-turned-coach  i was thinking to myself, "what if is this child of yours is starving to death", kind of bitter question to ask, but the point is, "god you are so concern about your son scoring a goal, why not see the plight of million others who are suffering while you are having a soccer party?, yeah nasty on my part to think such. perhaps i was jealous since i don't have a son of mine playing out there, through whom i can feel so proud about myself. well may be so.

yet i cannot dismiss the fact, children having fun is a right for every child, not just for the rich, every child deserve to throw a soccer ball around and have some fun, it must be a right to not just a privilege.

i am one vote for equality in children's sports, so every kid can enjoy his/her childhood, play, run as he/she wishes. No child is ever denied the right to have fun in the fields, we will make sure a system of support will facilitate equality for all kids.

i mean, here only the rich get to have fun. yeah they all cheered the green team who won the game, but its really a shame, we all lose as long as someone is losing out there in this world.

one starving kid is one too many, and there is really nothing to cheer about, is there ? and don't fucking call me a joy killer.

Must be here every breath.

i am here.

as usual backchatting today, looking to find faults, complaining, though the good news while i was complaining i was able checked it, stop it, it must be stopped at the very start, not near the end of the monologue. all comes to awareness of self every breath, every moment, not just special moments, not just special times, no all the time, every breath, i must observe my breath, and observe my tendencies to go onto verbal bad mouthing, or backchatting for that matter. i mean thinking is speaking silently, isn't it, just b'c nobody hears it doesn't mean, it is not expressed. all thoughts are expressed out into the existence, yes, every one knows what i think. and how i do i know this? i read in desteni site, all and everything exist in me as me, so all my thoughts about others are known to me, therefore known to others. there is no hiding place for thoughts, only just stopping them stops, nothing else will.

so coming back to breath, living by breath, each moment, i am able to cut the back chatting, cut the crap of bad mouthing, gossiping, and whole bunch other vices simply by observing my thoughts and breath. of course, self forgiveness and self honesty is always there as self help tools.

as for me, all through my day, i have to vigilant about my breath, thoughts, and words. easy hide, easy goto war, easy to complaint, easy to blame, easy to kill, easy to destroy, easy to kick, easy to make hell for self and others. the hardest yet the simplest is to be here as breath, every moment just be here.

My way or the highway.

I am here.

Its my way or the high way. This is another bullying pattern I have. I cannot tolerate so many compromises, so I am always ready to speak in ultimatum tones. Either my way or high way. I mean WTF, who am I trying to deceive, I know very well most of the time I issued such ultimatums I end up being the loser. Ultimatums are not the way to go, but that is an energy possession that wants to be nasty and mean at others by offering ultimatums. Its bit like saying, I want to punish you and hurt you. I get into such mode of ultimatums when I am in need of energy. The more needy I feel the more demanding and brutal I become. As if, the world will collapse if I don’t get that energy boost.

350 billion years human mind was at slavery, no wonder, not a single time I have been able to overcome my need for energy boost especially at night time. Like a cry baby, I get into that needy mode.  So moment by moment 350 billion years of enslavement to energy has happened, and I can believe it. Because I have not been able to overcome , not even a single time, so do the math, it’s a matter of adding upto 350 billon years.

My way or the high way, is nothing but total expression of self anger. Its me being angry with me but dumping unto others in a brutal spiteful way.  Either that or I just want to run the fuck out here into a free land, where I am not responsible for anyone, just me headed for myself.  I am so stuck in my own energy push and pull, one day I push, next day I pull, or other way around. I am always want to run away.  They all connected being free and irresponsible. But I have always able to justify my escapes. God.  After 350 billion years, here I have a chance to undo my bullshit patterns, will I do it or will I continue. 

Freedom after 350 billion years of mind enslavement ?

I am here.

Who am I?

A good question to ask indeed. Let me see how to self define myself as is right now.

I am a blamer, I love to blame, and have been a blamer for a long time now. As if from the time I wake up in the morning, my radar is on to find faults . of course with family members I have done this extensively. I realize that I am responsible for everyone and everything, meaning, even to what other people do/say, I am responsible for . In principle I understand that, blame cannot exist, I cannot blame anyone for anything, as it/he/she exist within me as me, so I am responsible for even what others do.

Individually I have to stop that within me, and perhaps be an example for others to follow. Nobody likes to listens to a preacher, they will follow examples, living examples. Blamers are hated. I have seen that mostly in my dad, how he blames, even when he has a valid point, I find it near impossible to ‘listen’ to him, simply because he is operating in that mode of blaming.

Instead of simply looking at a point here, in common sense, he goes on and on about it, blaming. It’s a difficult presence to be in, while that blaming is going on. I am a duplicate copy of my dad, I blame just like him, only the subject matters differ. I used to hate his presence, now I breathe and breathe not allowing my judgments of him to get carried away.  He can test me every moment, even how he drinks his tea used to bother me, the sipping sound he makes, that annoying sound he makes while chewing, as if he is deliberately trying to annoy me. Now I realize, I have conditioned myself to react in annoyance to my dad. It is my own conditioned behavior, nothing else.
I am a robot. I have conditioned myself to behave in certain ways in certain situations. Some are known most are unknown, surprises waiting to happen. Yet it’s all within me, exist as conditioned pre programmes, how I react, how I speak, how I look, how I stare, how I blame, how I eat, how I wear cloths, how I smile, how I laugh, how I feel, how I think, how I value things, how I like/dislike things, are all preprogrammed. By who? Well, I programmed myself into this robot that I am here now.

Is there a way out of this robot existence? Yes, live as breath here every breath here, missing a single breath means I allow myself to be a robot, living as every breath means, now I have a chance to be a non-robot.
It is such freedom to not to carry all that past, worry, concerns, anxiety, memories, what-ifs, doubts, fears, blames, feelings, emotions, addictions, highs and lows, depressions, etc etc etc.

It’s nice to be here for a change. So no matter how I try to answer the question, ‘who am I’, I come to the same conclusion, and I am a fucking robot, enslaved to my own mind. Not a pretty picture isn’t it. 

“What is 70 years or 7 years with regards to 350 billion years we have been ‘lost and enslaved’ within this existence?” – Portal writings by www.desteni.co.za

i am here, breathing.

I must face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my feelings not realizing these feelings are results of my thoughts past and present, that I infact created these thoughts and feelings for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so heavy within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to avoid the feeling of heaviness within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want run away from what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from what I experience within me right now. Not realizing I have made this for myself. I have created this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have the simple power and responsibility to stop my thoughts emotions and feelings simply by stopping the thoughts. Instead just being here as breath I allow myself to ‘think’ allow me to follow the thoughts within me into a river of thoughts. In that I get drained in emotions and feelings. I forgive me, I give me to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ran away into happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want escape from what I am feeling now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want avoid my emotions and feelings. Not realizing I cannot avoid them, because it is me right now, I have made this for myself. Here or there, here on earth or in the afterlife, I cannot avoid myself, I have to face myself all of me. So for now, myself includes my thoughts and emotions. I am here as breath of life.

Here or there, in the physical or in death, I must face myself, there is no escape from me. I cannot avoid me, I cannot avoid myself as my thoughts and emotions. They will follow me. Until I stop them.

There is so much shit going on in this world, so much suffering going on in this world, self inflicted and environmentally inflicted, yet I ignore them and only focus on my little thoughts and feelings. I am always trapped in my own mind creations. I have allowed me to think and feel and exist within my thoughts and emotions. I am here. I have a responsibility to stop this mind bullshit within me. I do so by simply being here as the breath. I stop my thoughts and emotions by simply being here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up the thoughts. Because they give me so much comfort and security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop following my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to just be here as the physical as the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depress within me. Not realizing in one breath I can stop it. I am here in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than my thoughts and emotions. I am here equal and one to all of me, everything of me. I am equal and one to all and everything of me. I cannot run from me, I cannot avoid me.
No running from myself. I am here as self responsibility. I am here as self breath. I breathe here. I remain here as breath. Instead of looking for the next rush to get a high, either thru sex or this or that, I remain here as breath. I remain here as my physical.

I realize the sufferings of this world, I mean from so much starvation, murder, rape, torture, poverty, hunger, slavery, sickness, disease, loneliness, isolation, homelessness, gosh, a long long list indeed. Yet all I do is worry about my next high, my next round of sex, or next round of emotional high, how to be happy is my quest. I stop this madness, after all, with death all that is not real will end. Wtf.
I am here. I know all that I am chasing now will end, as none is real. So realizing the world’s mess, I know I understand I have a responsibility to stand up, to speak up against the bullshit that is going on. Speaking up in a constructive way, not just protesting and screaming, rather, speak with and the equal life party and one and equal to it. But I just focus on my thoughts, emotions and feelings, always looking for the next happiness. That is just total selfishness. Yes I have first responsibility for self-care. I have to take care of me, but that doesn’t mean total ignorance of world suffering.
I am here. I stop the depression within me, I stop the sadness within me. I stop the emotional loathing within me, I stop the self pity within me, I stop the nag within me, I stop the anger within me, I stop the doubt within me, I stop the craving within me, I stop the lust within me, I stop the envy within me,  but how exactly will I do all those ? Just simply being here as breath. I am the breath of life. Here as the physical, it is the mind that is fucking everything.
I forgive me. I forgive myself.

$800 bandage

I am here.

Few days I missed daily writings, and I already can feel how it affects, meaning, continue writing is so much assisting, and that is noticeable with the few days of slacking. Writing is a form of a self letting out; bring all the shit out here for self to see and others as self to see.  There is indeed a release in such writings. In fact writing helps even in effective speaking. I notice how I speak is more effective with ongoing writing. Of course, have to be watchful this is not a mind writing its shitty music, like an old country song.

Few things to write about. Yesterday I had to goto the emergency room for minor wound I encountered on my clean shaven head. clearly I was thinking way too much and walking towards this door, fuck, I didn't really notice how I positioned myself, next thing I know, I bang my head so hard, it was bleeding and what not. So the security persons at work suggested that I goto the hospital ASAP. So I went to the emergency room.

I didn't have that magic health coverage card, which is supplied by the government, though I am eligible but due to me not taking care of things properly, I didn't bother to apply and have the card handy. So upon my arrival, I learn the bad news about not having that magic health insurance card.

Just to enter my name into their 'system' it would cost 600$ on the spot, no questions asked. Of course the final bill is subject to all other services that will be rendered to me. Thank god, the doctor upon hearing my sad story went to the cheapest fix, which is a bandage on the head with some pre cleaning by the nurse. Estimated cost, 800$.

There you go, 800$ for a bandage on the head. Of course they have their reasons to bill such. Had I taken my magic card it would have been all free, so I can't really blame them either.

Still, something is certainly wrong with the healthcare system, I mean not everyone has gotten a healthcare insurance card. Not everyone here is eligible; you got to be either a citizen or a permanent residence and must have a valid card in hand. I am citizen without a valid card in hand; hence, I must pay out of pocket. They gave me 5 days to deal with the government to deal with the situation; possibly I may get a refund. Still, fuck this system.i told the doctor about equal life party and equal health care system, he was bit amused by it, saying 'got idea, but I don't think it will work'. That’s another story.

So clearly I am one vote for an equal health care system. Current health care is a total fucking business making profit, and that is all they care about. It’s insane to make profit out of human body. Health care system is bit like prostitution right now, making money out of the physical body. Money is the root cause here. Show me the money, I give you the medicine, is the current law, isn't that prostitution or what.

 I will be a damn fucking fool not to question the current health care system and accept it as is. But being human robot I am, I might it give into the system. That is why no change has come so far. So I am very glad the equal health care system is gaining momentum, I stand with it unconditionally.

You must be insane to find fault in equal health care system that will care for every human.  Please.

Of Course, I love you darling.

I am here. Feb 14th 2011.

Happy fucking valentine's day to you all. Love love love. I would rather say sex sex and sex. I have had my doze of love and sex over the years, but almost always it ended up with anger, meanness and spite, both for myself and for the other. no matter how colorful the so-called love is, as long as there is self-anger, self-judgement, self-spite, shit will get thrown at the other, so wars will break out. then, even a small hill will appear like a mountain, anger and meanness will fly without limits.

I have been in those types of love things, where the anger and rage i felt my lover at that time was so immense, my wife is no exception, she gets my doze of nastiness now and then. in the bus today on my way home, i hear a couple very subtly throwing abusive words at each other, she appears to be very upset, then i thought 'oh god' i have to deal with this at home and now in the bus too!

But the real truth is, isn't never the other person, as long as 'thought' exist, as along as 'mind' exist, love cannot exist, period. Because you will fucking come up with some kind of a thought against your lover every now and then, which will compound and compound, leading to manifest consequences. absence of thought perhaps is love, presence of breath is perhaps love, self forgiveness is love, self honesty is love, yes one could within limits say such. Meaning, those are the ingredients to find love within self and therefore to share such love with others.

more or less, i have failed in my love life, because eventually i end up with right kind of blame and thoughts against my love/wife etc. and my goodness how i justify my angry mindset is just amazing. i can convince myself so well, i feel i should been a fucking criminal lawyer or something. now i realize, needing for love is self abuse, looking for love is self abuse. the moment you feel you need love, you're abusing yourself. the moment you need an external source you are self abusing.

Now that does not mean living in isolation. yes, find an agreement partner, discuss, communicate, be on the same page, self forgive, walk this process together, its a cool thing. so your very agreement will not the key point of focus on your life then, you will be focused on things that matter, like fucking cleaning up this world for example.

we are here to that, we are here to bring about equality for all, that is our purpose, certainly that is my purpose. it would be rather pointless to fuck thru all years till your dick cannot erect up anymore, then, you take that super expensive vigra, to boost up the nearly dead sex life which is almost over, all you can do is keep looking at young pussies/dicks to get a mental high, and imaging sex fantasies in your head, isn't that a pretty fucked life to live.

by all means, get an agreement partner, enjoy the great sex, become intimate with each other, so that your sum is greater than both of you. as they say, whole is greater than sum of its part.  this is preciously where i am suffering, most of my focus is on my marriage, and its bullshit problems, arguments, anger, pain etc, very little attention and time i put into the purpose i came to this world for. my life would just be a total waste, if i spend most of my time worrying about relationship bullshit and do minimum about world equality. i mean that is indeed a wasted life. what i mean to say is, an agreement is vital, within which self process is primary focus for both, and the couple's contribution is more than just the double horse power, an effective agreement to bring about world equality for all. yes in all that time, enjoy each other physically sexually, romantically, intimately, caring and supporting each other.

nobody said this process has to be walked alone in isolation. every day can be a happy valentine's day, and happy world equality day, because without the later, nothing really matters.

without equality everything else is just bullshit which will end in time for sure.

so for all of you in agreements i say, enjoy, double up your horse power to bring about a new world for all of us. and those who are with a non-destonians, well, no excuses, you still got to walk this self process and be a living example in your reality. that is preciously what i have to do, walk this process in every breath, and be an example for my wife, perhaps perhaps someday, she will ask about self forgiveness, self honesty, agreement and what this process are all about.

i am the key to my reality, i am the key to my world. and if there is any wanting and needing of any love, then fuck it, your love is already over. the need will kill it. the wanting will destroy it. And if you think you love another, then, you're a self-abuser. wired isn't it. then what the fuck is love? really, self here as breath, without any movement of thoughts, emotions and feelings, and applying the equation of what is best for all, can be said as love. perhaps. then again, the moment you define love as a concept, its gone, no more. live here, as breath as every breath here, then you will never need to define what love is.

I have a long way to go, but breath by breath, i am here as equal and one to all.

Of course, i love you darling, WTF.

Public toilets are a disgrace

I am here, Feb 12, 2011, my blogging continues.

Growing up in sri lanka, one of the worse memories is visiting public toilets when nature's call is unbearable. gosh, sometimes the awful smell is so bad, visiting a public toilet is like trying to commit suicide by the rotten perfume while taking a piss, and if your need is #2, only Jesus can save you.

Thanks to capitalism in downtown Colombo, some cleaners will charge a small fee for a bucket of water and reasonably well kept toilet, its still a visit to hell btw. today in ottawa i went to subway restaurant just wanting to use their restroom, the guy said, "sorry restrooms are for customers only". gosh fucking capitalism wont' even let you take a piss without making a buck out of you. such is the nature of things.

back to sri lanka, yes, public toilet systems are utter disgrace, its so bad, one i had to take a shit on top of somebody else's left overs. The accumulation effect, one's left over becomes another's nightmare.

All this goes to show, how fucked up this world is, even small thing like a taking a shit at a public facility is so messed up. Because nobody cares, and everyone is waiting for the other guy to clean up, so responsibility is a waiting game, i wait for you, while you wait for me. Not to mention the tons of red tape one has to go thru to get anything done for the good of public users. because of the all rich fuckers goto the 5 star hotels to wipe their asses, yep they will give you the water in a golden bucket to clean your ass. goto a public place, you will face hell without dying.

With Equal Life Party, responsibility is not a waiting game, we don't' wait for anyone, and responsibility is not selective, we identify the problem, we solve the problem. all problems are our problems.  

Sanitation is a massive problem in the third world, i am speaking from personal experience, no stats are available on these matters, i mean who the fuck will go and collect stats on public toilet usage, capitalist might do that to make some money out of it.

And india is hell when it comes to public toilets, let me not goto that subject. One wonders' with all their apparent education and high class intellectuals and what not, still can't keep their public facilities clean. simple answer, no one has taken the responsibility, politicians are too busy making money, and everyone in between is doing the same, all trying to survive. who has the time nor the will to worry about public shit holes, its for the poor anyways.

With Equal Life Party, cleaning up and providing safe and healthy public facilities for every community, every town, every village is a top responsibility. This is not a joke, not a single party has addressed issues relating to public sanitation and facilities, of course why would they. They have better and more important things to do.

I am one vote for clean public facilities everywhere in the world, can't have heaven on earth with stinking toilets. I am one vote for cleaning up this world, every public facility will be maintained to highest standards, This is our responsibility.

Equal Life Party is about caring about every aspect on this planet,  

Night in a Jail Cell.

I am here, Feb 11, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

last night I arrived home rather late, past 1030pm or so, right at the apartment entrance I realized that my apartment keys were missing, Not a very pleasant realization, so I called home, but sadly i couldn't wake up anyone, all were deep in sleep, i was left with the only choice of finding a hotel for the night. So, i headed to downtown ottawa, where soon i learned that hotel prices are not that cheap, we are looking minimum a good hundred dollars a night, i was rather pissed off, tired, was not in the mode to spend that kind of money for just night sleep, i argued max 6 more hours, i will be heading back to work, so why bother to spend that kind of money.

Nearby there is a youth hostel, a former ottawa downtown old rock jail, a famous public execution took place here. Convicted criminal Mr. Patrick Whelan was publicly hanged here, in front of a gathering crowd of 5000 or more. Its funny 'coincident, patrick was hanged on this very day, February 11, (1869), and tonight i am self writing myself freedom on February 11. I am bit amazed by this.

I cannot stop but ask the question, what sort of a man was Mr. Patrick J. Whelan, why did he went to assassinate another and eventually died a hanged man? What was his state of mind? what was his accepted and allowed belief systems within him? Apparently he killed a political public figure, hence, he is a political assassin. Did he do that out of rage or wanting of new changes, or wanting of a revolution ?

i have no idea,  but tonight on the 142th anniversary of his hanging, i simply want to tell him that help in coming, help is coming, a new world is coming, a new revolution is coming, real self-help is coming, no need for assassinations, no need for revolutions, patrick, all you need is self-forgiveness, all you need is self honesty. In terms of changing the world, equal money, equal labor with equal life party, a new world is coming where everyone will be supported and assisted to self correction. No more assassinations, no more hangings, because every human will be supported with self correction,

Yes, even a convicted murderer like yourself patrick, will be supported and assisted to self correction and self rebirthing as life. No exceptions.

So, sleeping at the old jail, a tinny cell, my cell number was #5, on 6th floor, i slept rather comfortably, realizing the suffering of all those who were housed in it, i realised the urgency of world equality, because this madness of killing and hanging cannot continue, of course the biggest killer now is capitalism. no worries, equal money will hang the capitalism for good. in a nice democratic way. no revolutions.

And for the record, fuck Mubarak, and fuck Egypt, it is not change we saw today, rather, a change of the showman, a new man will soon run the show. its all the same shit. Until Egypt consider equality for all, its all the same shit. that's for another blog.

so, unquestionably, i am one vote for world equality where all will be supported and assisted, even the hardest of criminals, will be supported to live a dignified life with proper self-correction with self forgiveness and self honesty.

No life is so dispensable.

so, Patrick J Whelan, wherever you're, allow yourself to self-forgive yourself, that is all i have to share tonight.

Be present here in the moment.

I am here. breathing, Feb 9, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Yeh, not being present in the moment is uncool. today, a coworker came to my cube wanting to inquire about some issue, but i was too involved in my own work stuff, and i couldn't step out of it and be present to this being who is here, wanting to find some information. even though i came around to it, was listening to what he got to say etc, but i was not really there. i was thinking about what i was doing, not really listening to him. a single breath would have eased up the issue,

so naturally i really didn't' pick what he was asking me, so i gave a half baked solution, he was bit pissed off with that, as he was going away, he didn't hesitate to show off his anger at me, very subtly of course. my justification was i was too tired from last night, having not slept much, meaning got interrupt few times in the middle of deep sleep by a snoring human, so all day, i told myself that i am tired. not cool. this breath i am here, just breath, i am here, i mean i am not falling down from sleepiness, its just a bit of yawning. alertness of mind comes from breath, from breathing here, not from long hours of sleeping.

so when the guy came for information, i was either in the mind thinking that i am tired or, was tired because i have been thinking as such. the comment he made while leaving was bit rude, i got embarrassed, but hey, only if i accept and allow such bullshit within me. i mean he can say anything, even if he is half right, the embarrassment comes only if allow it. so no, i am here as breath.

But the whole thing came about because i was not here as breath, when the person came for some information. i couldn't' stop my stuff for a moment, and attend to his concerns. i can't do 2 things at the same time, so might as well do one thing properly within the breath, each breath.  its neglecting the breath here what caused the drama this morning, no need for it actually, a simple breath here, could have done a lot of good for us.

so a lesson learned, just this breath, i can only do whatever i do in this breath, so have to talk to someone, just talk, whatever is that you, just do it within the breath, within just this breath, equal and one to this breath and whatever is here within this breath. equal and one to all as life.

is it really he less important than what was i thinking at that moment? is he less than the thoughts i was having at that moment? if anything, it is my thoughts that needs least of my attention, all else is equal and one as life as me.

so everything that happens here in this moment/breath, is here as life, deal with it, fully equally. no thing is less than any 'other' thing.

its here, so it is equal and one as life. i am here with all equally. i don't' discriminate 'that' to be more important than 'this'.  all is here as life. i am here as breath.

so i am here in the moment, present fully and equally.

Must Die to Live.

I am here, Feb 8th, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Gosh. There is only one way to happiness, it is to completely abandon the mind, meaning, never to exist as thoughts, emotions and feelings. Yep its a tall order, near impossible you may say, how on earth to live without any thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Long time ago, I discussed this point of living without thoughts, emotions, and feelings, then the response i got was, "to live in that void is not life", something like that. meaning, emptiness, silence that caused by the absence of thoughts emotions and feelings are to be avoided, it will make you a zombie. we are so programmed to believe that thoughts emotions and feelings what makes us worthy of life, and make us living human beings. Nope. thoughts emotions and feelings what makes us demons.

this argument can go on and on, should i think or not think, should i feel or not feel, should i entertain emotions or not ? bit like to be or not to be.

Very simple answer:

what if i die right now? here in this very moment, my heart stops and i breathe my last. what then? when the last breath arrives, i don't' have much choice, i cannot ask to be or not to be, fuck i am dead, how can a dead man ask any questions?

yes, this very moment, i am dead here, just dead. its over, i have just taken the last breath, i have breathed my last: what thought is there? what emotions are there? what feelings are there? yet i am here. even death hasn't ended me, i am still here. yet no thoughts, emotions, and feelings. just silence, just me, i am breathing however.

so, oh wait a second, i am here in my physical body still, not apparently dead, i am here. so can i live like as if i am dead? yes i am dead for all practical purposes of the mind. all thoughts, emotions, feelings have died, but i remain.

i am dead, i am dead, i am dead, my mind is dead, i am dead, i am here as breath. i am yet here, but i am dead, and i am here actually breathing. gosh, no thoughts, no emotions, no feelings. i am here, though dead but still here.

death will end all thoughts emotions and feelings. i am here equal and one to all here, because i am dead, i have no thoughts emotions and feelings. yet i remain, so i am equal and one to all.

thanks, i am still in the physical body, breathing,

This is the end result for us all anyways, so might as well die now to LIVE. I am dead but alive. i am dead, all is over, i am dead, the physical remain here, my breath is here, i am breathing, but i am dead, yes i am dead, just the breath, the actual breath, here, equal and one to all of physicality, but i am dead here. i breathe. just the breath of life, i am dead, my mind is dead, i am here as breath.

I must die to live, there is no other way to abandon the mind for good. i die here, so that i live. i am breathing but i am dead, i die here, so i breathe and i live.

Take a good shit a day, to keep the doctor away.

I am here, Feb 7th, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Not so pleasant night tonight. I got sucked into an energy possession, WTF, this is now a very predictable and regular pattern I live and have been living. So what happened tonight.

I allowed myself to feel left out, I allowed myself to believe that others are putting me to aside, I allowed myself to think that I am alone, I allowed myself to dwell in that energetic possessive state. Now I can understand the term 'possession' very well, I see it is in me at least a few times a week. It used to be every morning and nighttime, I will get into the blaming, nagging, moody energetically demanding energy sucking beast, in that I believe that everyone hates me, rejects me etc etc. It will last a good 10 to 15 minutes of serious emotional pain, i mean, its not going to kill me, but a very severely painful sort of emotion, sucks for sure. When I am in that state, please fasten all your seat belts, i can be nasty. I will crush you with a pouting silent, or a pounding shout, verbal abuse is its name. I am sick and tired of this fucking shit i live myself as. I feel so helpless in that crushingly emotional state which gets frigged by so many little things. It could be food, at times eating greasy oily spicy food can knock me off very bad, Or it could be an irregular bowl movements, I could spin in energy possession for a whole day. And each time i take a shit, it seems to feel a little better and better, and finally with a clean bowl, i can relax, feel free from that energy possession.

As far as I can remember, I have been an energy possession type of a person, almost always, I would be in that cranky grumpy state, highly undesirable indeed. I literally feel that i have no control over this whatsoever, i mean, what the fuck, how can i manage and control my bowl movement regularity? Only so much fibre i can eat. Come to think of it, i hardly take good veggies, or drink a lot of water or eat good doze of fruits per day etc, i know i have had very good days with my bowl movement, just only one time visit for the whole day,  As far as I can recall, a meal with tons of veggies, a lot to water, gives me a good movement and keeps me in a healthy state.

So basically my body is telling me that i am abusing it, by not eating with care, like taking the required stuff for the physical sustenance, drinking a lot of water etc. Abusing the body is not acceptable, neglecting the body is not acceptable.

I know, even the shit i take is life, is one and equal as life me. I have heard one can even talk to one's shit, not that i have been successful in that. but i can see the common sense in that, if shit stops coming out, this body cannot live, it will die, taking a good shit is as important as breathing oxygen. No shit No life indeed.

So tonight clearly, my irregular bowl movement got me into that nasty energetic state of mind, of course, once i am there, all hell can break lose, you never know what will happen next. thank god, nothing bad happened, but as usual i got into that nasty moody state. it is suffering for others when i am that state, they fear it, never knowing what disaster may follow.

i have told so many times to myself, that i will not react, i will not show my anger, i will not blame, i will not find fault, yet, so easily and quickly i am become a nagger while in that energy possessive state.

ok, i am here, this new breath, i am still alive, world end has not ended, nor my life has ended, i am still breathing, i can still stop this pattern, i am not an eternal slave to my moodiness nor to the patterns of my bowl movements. i realise, i have to stop abusing my body, i have to care my physical with proper sustenance, not that i want to be a health-nut, no, just simple common sense of taking care of my body.

Still, there is no way to avoid the mind energy possession, i mean, thats something only i can stop it, no diet, no pill, no drink, no smile, no sex, no money, no love, no honey, no person, no family, no doctor, can stop the mind possession within my mind, only i can stop it. within that every moment, i have the direct power and responsibility to stop the mind forever, breath by breath of course. simply breathing, will do the magic, what am i waiting for?

ok, no more regrets, let me re-walk again, let me breath again, i am here, let me stop that mind energy possessive moody grumpy cranky depressive angry spiteful state, with one simple breath. i know i can do it. i feel sad that happiness is so far away for me, just because this bullshit mind energy thirst i get into, it seems i am so helpless. but not to worry, i am live, i am here, i am my physical, nothing is over, i will simply breath, will take proper meals, will drink ample water, will take the required supplements, and of course, i will self-forgive, and self-care, indeed my body is telling me to care for it.

So much commotion for not taking a good shit. gosh. but i am grateful, even my shit can assist me in my process while i am alive here. remember i am not dead, i am still alive. i can do this in this very breath. i am breathe.

With Equal Healthcare System in place, i am sure, even hidden secretive shameful issues like 'Irregular Bowl Movements', 'Constipation', 'Moodiness', will be effectively addressed and supported from various angles. Not just popping a pill, no, but effective wholesome care for the physical body, which will include self-forgiveness and self-honesty perhaps 3 times a day before and after meals. lol.

I am indeed one vote for an Equal Healthcare System, lets us all be well and live well.

Stop Praying for Me.

I am here, here is an email I exchanged today:

Shohan Wimalaratne Wrote:

Hi Anton, I see your post with regards to people who believe in and practice Christianity. Whilst you are entitled to your own opinion, I am entitles to mine. I truly believe there is a Lord that looks after all our needs. You have to experience it to know it. I have and will continue to do so. I will pray that you will experience too.

My reply:

"Lord that look after all our needs" ? you must have been living in lala land, nearly 1 billion starving each night, millions working like slaves to put bread on their tables, millions don't' have fresh water, political and corporate leadership is sucking every drop of life from us civilians, workers, so their elitism and power continues unchecked, "Love thy neighbour as thyself", nor "Give and you shall receive" are only just sweet words, they mean absolutely nothing.

Gods and men in power have fucked us all. With Equal Life party, we will implement Equal Money system, Equal Labor system, Equal housing System, Equal Health-care System, Equal education system, in every country, so that every human in every country will have access to a dignified life, from birth to death, unconditionally.

Hence, the core teachings of Jesus will be implemented practically as we introduce new political and economic principles, based on "Give and you shall receive". But we not waiting for a God, or a Guru, or a swami, or a buddha, or avatar, as we are the humans rebirthing ourselves with the tools of self-forgiveness and self-honesty, so we will become the new politicians forming the Equal Life Party, to clean up this world.

I am sure your God will be pleased to see that no human being is left out in the dark hungry thirsty and dying from sickness, because he/she doesn't have money. Even the most sinful bastard deserve food, water, shelter, medicine, education, the basic rights to a dignified life. then even the most sinful bastard will have a chance for self-correction.

Our action is practical, political, sustainable, livable, that is best for all, not based on hope but on sound principles. so if you dare to care, check us out, at desteni.co.za

So here, no need for god bullshits, i trust you have some common sense left in you to consider what is best for all is.

thank you.
Anton.

A Guide to Step-Parenting.

I am here. Feb 5, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Parenting I understand is a difficult job. Step parenting has an extra touch to it. I am a step father, my 9 years old step son, is a very sweet child like any other 9 year old is, over the last 2-3 years we have developed something cool between us, but when it come to matters of discipline we hit a zone of discomfort.

Tonight along with his friend, three of us went to snow sledging, my first time snow outing, It was very much fun. Children like it when adults have fun with them. I first said no to going out playing with him and his friend, but later agreed, it wasn't much cold outside, so around 8pm we started snow sledging. He had a ball with his friend, sometimes three of us would ride downhill together, and race against each etc.

I found the key to sledging is to remain as the breath as you rush downhill, no room for thinking of course. Have to ride along with the momentum, any jerky movements against the momentum is asking for trouble. A cool simple sport to remain within the physical and not think for god sake.

But like all fun activities, there comes a time to go home, the fun ends, got go home and do home stuff. So when i say, time to go home, we hit that discomforting area of discipline. I know, when I was a kid, no one could stop me from playing cricket, weekends i would play sometimes 8 hours a day, coming home just to grab  a bite, then back to the fields of endless joy of playing cricket. Only thing would actually make me go home would be the sunset, when darkness is here and you cannot humanly look at that cricket ball anymore, when such eventual sad fate arrives here, we would very unhappily declare that its now time to go home. That was back in the late 70s and early 80s in Sri lanka, So naturally, kids love to play, and they just can't take the word 'enough' to end their party.

I take it personally his apparent disobedience, and apparent 'not listening' to my instructions, though what i am asking him to do is within the sphere of practicality and common sense. This 'not listening to me', 'not listening to my instructions', 'must follow the set rules' etc, are clearly my bullshit mindfucks that i accepted and allowed within me.

Step parenting is an ex-ordinary art, on the one hand, i must develop a bond with him as a natural father would, and yet on the other hand, i cannot be seen as uncool or mean by imposing any form of discipline upon him. If there is any issue between us, my wife would pick up very quickly and of course things then can compound.

I could risk a double loss by been a strict or disciplining father. I can ask but cannot demand. Hence, more often I take a light hearted and fun loving approach with him, and i like that too. our father-son relation is more fun in nature, than the old style imposing strictness and discipline etc. I am not a father-figure, i am actually a fun-figure, i give him lots of attention, yes there are things i am responsible for, not just always having fun.

Having fun is the easy part with him, the moment I ask for discipline, we hit that discomfort. And i get bit angry too, not very cool. So what i found is, effective communication, no emotion, no drama, simple effective direct communication and a clear understanding of his responsibilities and possible consequences if things are not in line.

Sort of an agreement just for the specific task at hand. Once we went on a road trip to Baltimore from Ottawa, so before the journey began, we came up with a road-trip-agreement, god help us, it actually worked. Everything was already discussed and written on paper. It help me prepare myself too, allowing me check my bullshit mind patterns that gets kicked by the child.

Sometimes when father-child issues between us pop up, my wife would ask me this question, "would you do this to your own child?" . Standing for equality, i must be very clear on how I will answer that question.

My own son, or a step son, what difference is there? Are they not equal and one as life as me ? Will i deny one and favor the other? Will i support one more than the other? Here equality equation requires a direct application in my immediate reality. Some questions of course, i cannot answer as i don't' have a child of my own,  but i do know, "what i do unto my step son, I do unto myself'. that is the magical guide to step parenting. Another a great reason to live as the breath of life, for within the breath no such concepts such step parent or step child exist, because simply i am here as the breath of life, and here is the child, and there exist responsibility, no need for 'step' or 'my own' concepts.

Life is indeed indivisible, all is one and equal.

Live as Breath, or Perish.

I am here, Feb 04, 2011. My daily blogging continues.


The other day, in one of Bernard Poolman's recent videos, I heard him say "Talk about the pattern, not the person", something to that effect. What that means to me is, I can observe and study patterns in a person, specially mind patterns and behavioural patterns, but indeed I must avoid judging the person as such patterns. For example, when hearing a person gossiping, I simply note the "pattern of gossiping", not label the being as a gossiper. Or worse yet, hold a judgement about him/her as an eternal gossiper, which is what I usually do.

So tonight, we went for a drive, some issue about money came up, which eventually led a disagreement about the money point. She got upset, for the next 2-3 hours, she went on and on about stuff, she pulled everything from the last 2 years and went on and on how nasty I am etc etc. Of course, I saw the pattern, but I couldn't just only see the pattern, I also want to run away from this situation. Meaning, I want to end agreement and run away so that i don't' have to deal with this pattern of hers.

But the strange thing is, I have the exact same pattern to blame non stop when a certain emotional energy is activated. So in this specific pattern, we are identical. So me wanting to quit and run away is just spitefulness on my part, again a deep rooted pattern of mine to escape, to run at the sight of a fight.

So, to see the pattern and not the person is a very tough task indeed. Again, i failed to just only see the pattern and not harm or hurt the person in return. But i did return a few nasty responses, obviously I mistook the person for the pattern.

Why did that happened to me tonight? because i didn't live as breath, i didn't exist as breath, each time she said something, i went into my mind for a deep introspection and came out with a verbal dagger. Had i just remained within the breath, her pattern would have eventually cooled down, and she would have returned to her normal self. But I knocked the person along with the pattern, now more consequences will come my way.

So in this, what I realise is there is really no relationship, none whatsoever, because for a relationship to exist, the mind must exist. If I had remained just as breath, yes I would have been very lonely, meaning, nothing to think about it, I would have been emotionless, meaning, there is no specific emotion to chew on, none to feel, yet I would have been at my best expression, as the breath of life.

Really, one must give up life to have life. I think some wise dude said something like that before. Give it up all, to have it all. some shit like that, what he meant was, give up the mind, be the breath, in that you are everything. i mean for any 'thing' to exist the mind exist, otherwise you are simply one and equal all.

So even to see the pattern and not the person, there is deep pre-requirement, that is one must live and exist as the breath non-stop. The moment I am out of the breath, i am fucked.

As I said in a previous blog, hell is always a breath away. When I live as breath, no one can hurt me, no one can insult me, no one can blame me, no one can torture me, no one can accuse me, no one can nag me, no one can trigger my emotions, no one can excite me, no one can arouse me, no one can cause me suffering, no mind pattern can bother me, or invite me for a war, because I am simply here as the breath of life.

I am along the cause and the reason for my inner state.

Tonight, I could have remained as breath, and went for the drive, allowing her pattern to slow down and perhaps later talk about it. But no, i took it head on, and made a mess out of it. Living as breath is not just a responsible thing for the self, it is also a support gesture for others, while they go through their own bullshit patterns. Trying to flee at the sight of a pattern is the worse thing to do, instead live as breath.

Things are indeed getting tougher. Everyday, something here or there happens reminding me to live as breath, every breath in fact.

A decision must be soon made, either to live as breath, or perish.

Equal Life Party is the solution to Egypt.

I am here. Feb 3, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Bullshit rioting is continuing with full drama in Egypt, the land of the slaves and slave masters. Watching these emotionally fully charged people yelling and screaming to throw out their mad man Mubarak is a laughing matter. Really, even if they get the fucker out of his office after 30 years of rule, who are they going replace the man with ? ok, perhaps they may find a more democratic, more likable, more educated, more people friendly, more peace loving, more open market friendly person to replace the dictator.

But the question is, will the new person bring any real change to Egypt? That is the question, all those rioters cannot perceive now, as all they want is an emotional outlet to dump their anger out at the current leadership. All that screaming and yelling, for what use, I wonder.

Replacing one dictator with another, or replacing one bad President with a good one, or replacing one bad Prime Minister with a good one, or even replacing an old Queen with a young Prince, or even replacing a white man with a black man, or a man with a woman, I wonder, what real change the world has ever seen ? None whatsoever.

So many examples of change, but no real substance in any of those changes. Simply cosmetic changes only. Even replacing the most evil of leaders with acceptable men/women has brought no real change, only surface level cosmetic bullshit for the TV viewers to feel good about themselves in voting for those new leaders. Its all drama, made for TV and the money makes in the meanwhile cash it in.

In the meantime, a real solution for the world is slowly taking form and shape. This is the Equal Life Party and its unwavering life support systems. Equal Money System, Equal Labor System, Equal Housing System, Equal Education System, Equal Health-care System, and many other life supporting systems have been studied and discussed extensively as solutions to this planet in peril.

So, people of Egypt stop your bullshit riots, instead study what Equal Life Party is all about, if you really care about your Egypt, study what we have to say, make a long term commitment to bring about real change for your country, not just fucking screaming and yelling for few days.

Certainly, I don't give a fuck about Mubarak or his replacement, or a generation of Presidents to come, for they will all do the same shit, only in different style.

So here, I unconditionally caste my vote for Equal Life Party, for real change for a real world.

Join us, if you dare to care.

How to Chase a Demon

I am here, today is Feb 2, 1011, my daily blogging continues.

Just listened to Bernard Poolman's recent vlog about his first encounter with a demon. And its fascinating, how Bernard asked the possessed person simply to repeat this self-forgiveness line:

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so angry with LIFE".

And the demon possessed person, very reluctantly tried to repeat after Bernard, but could not, eventually after much drama, the person was able to speak the self-forgiveness words out. In that every moment, Bernard says, whatever that thing was possessing left the person.

How fascinating and powerful this self-forgiveness tool is? It is just amazing, so tonight, I am repeating Bernard's suggested self-forgiveness line, as I am too a possessed entity as angry-demon has been visiting me a lot lately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so angry with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so hateful towards life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be angry with others and in this i am been angry with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my anger towards life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my anger towards this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my anger towards my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with everyone and everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with things around the House.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with co workers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with strangers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with priests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the church.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with gods that does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with demons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with angels and demons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with nature and its climatic changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with all that i can see and perceive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the creators of this existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my anger towards anyone and anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my anger as valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the anger of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the anger of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the political systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the money systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the banks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with the capitalists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with world systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with everything in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and breathe in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to sleep in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think angry thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak angry words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shout in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scream in anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to demise others because i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the hate within me because i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate life in all forms and shapes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate god that does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate every one that i ever knew.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate strangers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself.

i am here. i stop the anger within me as me. i stop the hate within me as me.

i am here. i breathe.

How to Make Friends.

I am here. Feb 1, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

I had a chat with my resonances today. So what i did learn from this chat? Other than establishing course work stuff, we discussed few very interesting things about my process. Yes, as it has been pointed out to me, the addiction to energy must be stopped. I mean, i have to stop it, the addiction for which, i have over and over again fall into, despite all the assistance i have been given. 

Energy addiction.

So my confusion is clear now, whereas before i thought it is my mind that desperately wants an energy feed, so i easily blame it on my mind. no more. I am the mind, yes I am the mind, me as the mind, seeking that energy like a hungry beast. so this is what an energy possession is all about for myself. Again, it is not the mind, it is me as the mind, who seek energy dose. 

So, I asked, can i go jogging, do house cleaning, do something physical to get rid of the energy possession. Well, if it is an act of running away from the energy possession, then NO. Can't run away from it, simply be here, breathe, and then do whatever physical activity that needs to be done. Mind and MInd alone is the cause, which is me of course. 

Another cool point was, how to listen to others while talking speaking etc. I tend to "look deep into the eye/soul of the being" while i listen, giving the impression that i am a great listener. Resonances pointed out that is separation. To listen, i have to be here first. In that, yes, I can listen, even make eye contact, naturally. Whereas me forcing an eye contact just to give the impression of listening, is separation, yes. I am here, totally here, no thinking, no back chat, I am here. In this, I simply listen to the being who is speaking or talking with me. 

Perhaps, I should just breathe while listening, that may help to stay here. 

So that's a few cool points for myself. Stop the energy possession, and just be here for effective listening, no need to look deep into the eyes of another to give the impression of listening. that is bullshit. I used to employ that trick to make friends, to get people to like me. 

So listen with all thyself here, in this yes, you may truly make friends, for you are here, entirely here, as the breath of life. And there exist no separation, equal and one to all that is here.