no Breath no Life, know Breath know Life.

i have not written in 5 days or so, already can feel the momentum to just discontinue writing. that is why it is so vital to write every day. write something, this is what i tell myself, write something, anything, any topic in relation to equality principles. there is ample to write about, then the mind is very good in finding reasons to skip things. so here i am after missing writing for 5 days, today have to force myself to write. it feels like as if i have never written. 1 week of non-writing can literally put an end to self writing. so no more. i am here, let me write something.

first, breathing, there is nothing without the breath. no life without breath. no self writing without the breath. breath is life. but breathing with awareness is living that life, otherwise just an automated machine doing the breathing for me. breath is nature, i am one and equal to nature when i breathe with awareness. so breathing here, staying with the physical as breath. so easy to get carried away into the mind and its bullshit. today i was mostly gone into the mind, i employed the breath and physical awareness to anchor myself in the physical. not always easy, but that is the only way to tame the mind. to breathe and be in the physical.

mind is a such multi dimensional information storehouse with many doors and rooms, dark corners, and red streets, memory lanes, you name it, anything can be found in the mind, its a maze within a maze of disjoined scatted random information store. the being can easily get lost in all that. so doing Mind-Construct with desteni-i-process has been painful but eyeopening. i can see my own bullshit here on paper. very painful to dig that out however. once all written on paper, i can see how i walked into self made messes. the maze of information is no more in the mind (hence the body as well), rather it is pulled out onto the paper, where the maze is visible.

clearing the information maze is done with self-forgiveness. Actual change comes with self-correction, that is when change is walked, where rubber meets the road.

for all that to work, breathing with awareness is the key. no breath no life. simple. tools only work if i allow myself to live as breath. if i purposely get into the mind, then what tools can help me ? nothing.

i will myself to walk as breath here now in the physical.

Breath is a Lifetime. This breath here is life.

again and again i have heard this line, 'breath by breath' live breath by breath. surely not doing so lead us to death, yes breath by breath. i mean you're going to die anyways, breathing or not breathing, you're going to die, the point is to live within the awareness of each breath. each breath is precious, could it be one breath is more important than the next breath ? each breath is equally important, teaching a lesson in equality, the equality of breaths. yet the quality of each breath is not equally recognized as awareness is not here, got stuck in the mind. hence, I hardly noticed even breathing, seems to happen so automatically.

No wonder i am a such an automatic finite state machine, very predictable, very programmable controllable, very untrustworthy, etc etc. all to do with not living as breath by breath, getting stuck in the mind, its delusions and illusions, emotions feelings and thoughts, ideas and beliefs, all put together to make one deadly nasty human robot, you never know what disaster is awaiting. of course, with money and sex anything can be shifted.

human is untrustworthy, that is the bottomline. anger rage, violence, bitterness, laziness, spite, revenge, gossip, backstabbing, procrastinating, blaming, debating, neglecting, uncaring, cruel, mean, nasty, jealous, vicious, lustful, cheating, lying, fear, pain, panic attacks, anxiety, nervousness, guilt, shame, regret, remorse, victimization, rape, irresponsible, filth, greedy, giving up, quiting, murderous, judgmental, wasteful, wow jesus that is a long list of human qualities. all thanks to not living as breath by breath.

in living each breath, i am giving myself the chance to transcend such qualities, that i have accepted and allowed within me as me. yes, i am the anger in me. i am the jealousy in me. i am equal and one to all such bullshit that exist within me. i mean, how can i be separate from them, they are within me after all.

self-forgiveness is the key to eradicate them, to see them for what they are, with total self honesty. so i must return to self-forgiveness, i have been lagging behind not applying self-forgiveness thinking and hoping that i am all ok. hoping self to be ok is another trap of ego, so yes time for a serious decision to apply self forgiveness for every point that i have been putting off.

i am here, breathing, breath by breath, self forgiving myself, giving myself to myself. i forgive me. i am here, i breathe. all this can be done in this breath, after all, one breath is a lifetime, life is one breath. so either live or die, all in just one breath, this breath, here now. this breath here is life.

Live as Breath, or Perish.

I am here, Feb 04, 2011. My daily blogging continues.


The other day, in one of Bernard Poolman's recent videos, I heard him say "Talk about the pattern, not the person", something to that effect. What that means to me is, I can observe and study patterns in a person, specially mind patterns and behavioural patterns, but indeed I must avoid judging the person as such patterns. For example, when hearing a person gossiping, I simply note the "pattern of gossiping", not label the being as a gossiper. Or worse yet, hold a judgement about him/her as an eternal gossiper, which is what I usually do.

So tonight, we went for a drive, some issue about money came up, which eventually led a disagreement about the money point. She got upset, for the next 2-3 hours, she went on and on about stuff, she pulled everything from the last 2 years and went on and on how nasty I am etc etc. Of course, I saw the pattern, but I couldn't just only see the pattern, I also want to run away from this situation. Meaning, I want to end agreement and run away so that i don't' have to deal with this pattern of hers.

But the strange thing is, I have the exact same pattern to blame non stop when a certain emotional energy is activated. So in this specific pattern, we are identical. So me wanting to quit and run away is just spitefulness on my part, again a deep rooted pattern of mine to escape, to run at the sight of a fight.

So, to see the pattern and not the person is a very tough task indeed. Again, i failed to just only see the pattern and not harm or hurt the person in return. But i did return a few nasty responses, obviously I mistook the person for the pattern.

Why did that happened to me tonight? because i didn't live as breath, i didn't exist as breath, each time she said something, i went into my mind for a deep introspection and came out with a verbal dagger. Had i just remained within the breath, her pattern would have eventually cooled down, and she would have returned to her normal self. But I knocked the person along with the pattern, now more consequences will come my way.

So in this, what I realise is there is really no relationship, none whatsoever, because for a relationship to exist, the mind must exist. If I had remained just as breath, yes I would have been very lonely, meaning, nothing to think about it, I would have been emotionless, meaning, there is no specific emotion to chew on, none to feel, yet I would have been at my best expression, as the breath of life.

Really, one must give up life to have life. I think some wise dude said something like that before. Give it up all, to have it all. some shit like that, what he meant was, give up the mind, be the breath, in that you are everything. i mean for any 'thing' to exist the mind exist, otherwise you are simply one and equal all.

So even to see the pattern and not the person, there is deep pre-requirement, that is one must live and exist as the breath non-stop. The moment I am out of the breath, i am fucked.

As I said in a previous blog, hell is always a breath away. When I live as breath, no one can hurt me, no one can insult me, no one can blame me, no one can torture me, no one can accuse me, no one can nag me, no one can trigger my emotions, no one can excite me, no one can arouse me, no one can cause me suffering, no mind pattern can bother me, or invite me for a war, because I am simply here as the breath of life.

I am along the cause and the reason for my inner state.

Tonight, I could have remained as breath, and went for the drive, allowing her pattern to slow down and perhaps later talk about it. But no, i took it head on, and made a mess out of it. Living as breath is not just a responsible thing for the self, it is also a support gesture for others, while they go through their own bullshit patterns. Trying to flee at the sight of a pattern is the worse thing to do, instead live as breath.

Things are indeed getting tougher. Everyday, something here or there happens reminding me to live as breath, every breath in fact.

A decision must be soon made, either to live as breath, or perish.

I am a Self-Exorcist.

I am here, today is Saturday Jan 22, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

I am not much of a dreamer, since I met desteni my dreams have slow down. Now mostly I sleep very sound and dreamless. Nightmares are very rare indeed. Last night however I had a very terrifying dream. In this, two demon like creatures were sitting on my chest and beating me up. Well, not very pleasant dream isn't it, for a moment, I freaked or a sense of panic I experienced. Then I told to myself, just breathe, these guys are not real, so just breathe. And that's exactly what I did (not sure if I actually physically did the breathing or did I breathe within the dream itself, is unclear to me, nor can I recall). Anyways, as I breathe within the first breath itself, those two demon fellows just vanished. I was bit surprised within the dream itself, how quickly so called demons can vanish within the power of breath,

Then I awoke up.

Dreams are now very specific and assisting, they are showing what i have accepted and allowed within me. So in this dream, i can see that the two demons been the emotions and feelings that pound me all day. And dream was telling me that I am also the solution to my problem, which is living as my breath. So as I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as emotions and feelings to such an extent they have become demonic and self destructive in nature. Hence the demons beating me up, is my own self made self torture. Fortunately  I am my own solution as well, which is to breathe here now in the physical to transcend emotions and feelings.

So no need for any holy waters, nor anything holy to dispel the demons within me, my own simple breath here is the tool of self-exorcism, to set self to freedom.

I breathe here.