I must face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my feelings not realizing these feelings are results of my thoughts past and present, that I infact created these thoughts and feelings for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so heavy within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to avoid the feeling of heaviness within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want run away from what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from what I experience within me right now. Not realizing I have made this for myself. I have created this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have the simple power and responsibility to stop my thoughts emotions and feelings simply by stopping the thoughts. Instead just being here as breath I allow myself to ‘think’ allow me to follow the thoughts within me into a river of thoughts. In that I get drained in emotions and feelings. I forgive me, I give me to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ran away into happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want escape from what I am feeling now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want avoid my emotions and feelings. Not realizing I cannot avoid them, because it is me right now, I have made this for myself. Here or there, here on earth or in the afterlife, I cannot avoid myself, I have to face myself all of me. So for now, myself includes my thoughts and emotions. I am here as breath of life.

Here or there, in the physical or in death, I must face myself, there is no escape from me. I cannot avoid me, I cannot avoid myself as my thoughts and emotions. They will follow me. Until I stop them.

There is so much shit going on in this world, so much suffering going on in this world, self inflicted and environmentally inflicted, yet I ignore them and only focus on my little thoughts and feelings. I am always trapped in my own mind creations. I have allowed me to think and feel and exist within my thoughts and emotions. I am here. I have a responsibility to stop this mind bullshit within me. I do so by simply being here as the breath. I stop my thoughts and emotions by simply being here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up the thoughts. Because they give me so much comfort and security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop following my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to just be here as the physical as the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depress within me. Not realizing in one breath I can stop it. I am here in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than my thoughts and emotions. I am here equal and one to all of me, everything of me. I am equal and one to all and everything of me. I cannot run from me, I cannot avoid me.
No running from myself. I am here as self responsibility. I am here as self breath. I breathe here. I remain here as breath. Instead of looking for the next rush to get a high, either thru sex or this or that, I remain here as breath. I remain here as my physical.

I realize the sufferings of this world, I mean from so much starvation, murder, rape, torture, poverty, hunger, slavery, sickness, disease, loneliness, isolation, homelessness, gosh, a long long list indeed. Yet all I do is worry about my next high, my next round of sex, or next round of emotional high, how to be happy is my quest. I stop this madness, after all, with death all that is not real will end. Wtf.
I am here. I know all that I am chasing now will end, as none is real. So realizing the world’s mess, I know I understand I have a responsibility to stand up, to speak up against the bullshit that is going on. Speaking up in a constructive way, not just protesting and screaming, rather, speak with and the equal life party and one and equal to it. But I just focus on my thoughts, emotions and feelings, always looking for the next happiness. That is just total selfishness. Yes I have first responsibility for self-care. I have to take care of me, but that doesn’t mean total ignorance of world suffering.
I am here. I stop the depression within me, I stop the sadness within me. I stop the emotional loathing within me, I stop the self pity within me, I stop the nag within me, I stop the anger within me, I stop the doubt within me, I stop the craving within me, I stop the lust within me, I stop the envy within me,  but how exactly will I do all those ? Just simply being here as breath. I am the breath of life. Here as the physical, it is the mind that is fucking everything.
I forgive me. I forgive myself.

Take a good shit a day, to keep the doctor away.

I am here, Feb 7th, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Not so pleasant night tonight. I got sucked into an energy possession, WTF, this is now a very predictable and regular pattern I live and have been living. So what happened tonight.

I allowed myself to feel left out, I allowed myself to believe that others are putting me to aside, I allowed myself to think that I am alone, I allowed myself to dwell in that energetic possessive state. Now I can understand the term 'possession' very well, I see it is in me at least a few times a week. It used to be every morning and nighttime, I will get into the blaming, nagging, moody energetically demanding energy sucking beast, in that I believe that everyone hates me, rejects me etc etc. It will last a good 10 to 15 minutes of serious emotional pain, i mean, its not going to kill me, but a very severely painful sort of emotion, sucks for sure. When I am in that state, please fasten all your seat belts, i can be nasty. I will crush you with a pouting silent, or a pounding shout, verbal abuse is its name. I am sick and tired of this fucking shit i live myself as. I feel so helpless in that crushingly emotional state which gets frigged by so many little things. It could be food, at times eating greasy oily spicy food can knock me off very bad, Or it could be an irregular bowl movements, I could spin in energy possession for a whole day. And each time i take a shit, it seems to feel a little better and better, and finally with a clean bowl, i can relax, feel free from that energy possession.

As far as I can remember, I have been an energy possession type of a person, almost always, I would be in that cranky grumpy state, highly undesirable indeed. I literally feel that i have no control over this whatsoever, i mean, what the fuck, how can i manage and control my bowl movement regularity? Only so much fibre i can eat. Come to think of it, i hardly take good veggies, or drink a lot of water or eat good doze of fruits per day etc, i know i have had very good days with my bowl movement, just only one time visit for the whole day,  As far as I can recall, a meal with tons of veggies, a lot to water, gives me a good movement and keeps me in a healthy state.

So basically my body is telling me that i am abusing it, by not eating with care, like taking the required stuff for the physical sustenance, drinking a lot of water etc. Abusing the body is not acceptable, neglecting the body is not acceptable.

I know, even the shit i take is life, is one and equal as life me. I have heard one can even talk to one's shit, not that i have been successful in that. but i can see the common sense in that, if shit stops coming out, this body cannot live, it will die, taking a good shit is as important as breathing oxygen. No shit No life indeed.

So tonight clearly, my irregular bowl movement got me into that nasty energetic state of mind, of course, once i am there, all hell can break lose, you never know what will happen next. thank god, nothing bad happened, but as usual i got into that nasty moody state. it is suffering for others when i am that state, they fear it, never knowing what disaster may follow.

i have told so many times to myself, that i will not react, i will not show my anger, i will not blame, i will not find fault, yet, so easily and quickly i am become a nagger while in that energy possessive state.

ok, i am here, this new breath, i am still alive, world end has not ended, nor my life has ended, i am still breathing, i can still stop this pattern, i am not an eternal slave to my moodiness nor to the patterns of my bowl movements. i realise, i have to stop abusing my body, i have to care my physical with proper sustenance, not that i want to be a health-nut, no, just simple common sense of taking care of my body.

Still, there is no way to avoid the mind energy possession, i mean, thats something only i can stop it, no diet, no pill, no drink, no smile, no sex, no money, no love, no honey, no person, no family, no doctor, can stop the mind possession within my mind, only i can stop it. within that every moment, i have the direct power and responsibility to stop the mind forever, breath by breath of course. simply breathing, will do the magic, what am i waiting for?

ok, no more regrets, let me re-walk again, let me breath again, i am here, let me stop that mind energy possessive moody grumpy cranky depressive angry spiteful state, with one simple breath. i know i can do it. i feel sad that happiness is so far away for me, just because this bullshit mind energy thirst i get into, it seems i am so helpless. but not to worry, i am live, i am here, i am my physical, nothing is over, i will simply breath, will take proper meals, will drink ample water, will take the required supplements, and of course, i will self-forgive, and self-care, indeed my body is telling me to care for it.

So much commotion for not taking a good shit. gosh. but i am grateful, even my shit can assist me in my process while i am alive here. remember i am not dead, i am still alive. i can do this in this very breath. i am breathe.

With Equal Healthcare System in place, i am sure, even hidden secretive shameful issues like 'Irregular Bowl Movements', 'Constipation', 'Moodiness', will be effectively addressed and supported from various angles. Not just popping a pill, no, but effective wholesome care for the physical body, which will include self-forgiveness and self-honesty perhaps 3 times a day before and after meals. lol.

I am indeed one vote for an Equal Healthcare System, lets us all be well and live well.

I love to blame.

I am here, today is Jan 25, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

There is always something to write isn't it? Like an onion peeling off, take one layer at a time, layer by layer. yet the mind says 'oh i have nothing to write tonight', 'oh i am too tired', 'who is going to read this anyways', another good one is 'what's the point of self writing', 'i mean i can aways fake what i am writing and thereby not write myself to freedom, in fact i could hold off freedom by daily blogging', says my mind, 'therefore why write at all'. Excuse after excuse.

Simply, I just have to look at what I have accepted and allowed within myself and my reality. Any point and just write about that point, so many such things exist within me and my reality. There is never a lack of points to write about. just how many times did i turn my head to look at women today? a simple point, it indicates mind control and lack self honesty, what do i accept and allow within me. i mean is there really nothing to write about ? what an absurd excuse.

Ok, tonight let me look at the point of blame. I notice all evening since i arrive home from work, i entered a state of blame. I was looking for points to blame at, as if i was hell bend on blaming on anything. so weird, there was no anger, no depression, no moodiness, yet i was kind into wanting to blame. it seems blaming is a kind of an energy possession, when its activated, I just have to blame.

Blame has many friends, nagging, doubting, fault finding, suspecting, intolerance, pouting, of course anger, all these emotional states eventually ends up been blame. Its like a balm, blame heals all unhappiness, so it seems. in blame, self responsibility is totally shifted out of self.   The other(s) is at fault, of course, always.

So here is the key difference, for myself, i realise i am responsible for myself, for my inner state, for all that i feel and experience within me, i am totally responsible. i cannot hold anyone else responsible for whats going on within me. my inner space is entirely mine, only what i accept and allow enter my inner space, so how can i blame others for what i feel or experience within me? isn't' that kind of ridiculous ? its like blaming another for me having an upset stomach, or diarrhea. Certainly a discussion about any issues with others is acceptable but blaming others for what i feel is just bad principle. i am and only i am responsible for what is going with me. no more questions on that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like blaming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame as if blaming is a
regular need for me to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and in blaming i get my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have all the right to
blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must blame to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must blame in order to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have all the rights to blame others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my blames.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am correct to blame
others for what i feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what i feel in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel down and under.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel hungry, as if my hunger is caused by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel self doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel self anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i flirt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i enjoy flirting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am self dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am doing something bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am in self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am doubting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am busy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when things are
messy in this believing that others created the mess for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for all and any of my
issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i have to get up on time in the mornings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i don't' enjoy my meals for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when its cold outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when the system is not functioning as i would like to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am late to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am lacking in money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i avoid my self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel lonely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel needy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i feel neglected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am asked questions about my commitment to things i promised i would do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am asked to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when my food is not ready on time, as if others have to treat me like a royal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what i feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for lack of sleep at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when they having fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i cough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i see them eating together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i see them having friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when see them having lunch together with friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  blame others when i see them laughing and having fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as thoughts of judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as thoughts within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame when things don't go as i would like them to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame just for the sake of blaming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame when i don't' understand foreign languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame when i hear others speakignin foreign languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame when i those who are 'different' from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame groups of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame politicians.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame bankers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame capitalists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame leaders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame criminals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame murders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame crooks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame stock brokers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame insurance brokers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame dealers and wheelers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame car salesmen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame anyone who wants to sell me something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame rich people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame poor people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame god that doesn't exit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame even desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my process with desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame death itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything that ever exist because in this i feel i am safe. in this, i avoid responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything. because i am not taking self responsibility for my inner space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame happy people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame unhappy people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame angry people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame peaceful people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame depressed people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame sad people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame families.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame successful people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame failed people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame anyone and everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everything in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy blaming because in that i can avoid self responsibility for my inner space.

i stop this pattern of blaming. i am here as self responsibility. i am here as common sense. i am here as breath of life. i breathe.