Cold snake

now millions of dead fishes found on some marina in USA. whats going on? first it was the bats were disappearing in NY, then millions of birds fell of the blue skies, and now the fishes are dying in mass numbers. Dooms day ? nay.

it is surely a time to wake up from the slumber of bullshit.

now what is that mean to me? i have to bring everything to self, to me, i have been a bit of a preacher in self writing. i like to preach like to tell other people how to live their lives. so in that i can avoid looking at me. preaching is a sure sign of self avoidance. so no more. let me look at me.

well a lot going on in my life these days. i am becoming very mean and nasty in anger these days. other day in an argument with my wife i called as 'cold snake'. not coo at all. just because she refuses to pay attention to me i have no right to call her such things out of anger. i cannot justify in any means to call any human such nasty words. 'cold snake'. no i am very sorry i said such, but henceforth, i will contain myself, i will never allow myself to be nasty and mean towards others. i will simply push myself to breath and remain here. yes, i can leave if things are not going as we would like to , but it gives me no right nor pleasure to call anyone such terrible names. would i like her to call me as a cold snake ?

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be nasty and mean justifying that it was my anger made me speak such.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be nasty and mean in my words towards others.
i stop the madness. i am here.

Take a good shit a day, to keep the doctor away.

I am here, Feb 7th, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Not so pleasant night tonight. I got sucked into an energy possession, WTF, this is now a very predictable and regular pattern I live and have been living. So what happened tonight.

I allowed myself to feel left out, I allowed myself to believe that others are putting me to aside, I allowed myself to think that I am alone, I allowed myself to dwell in that energetic possessive state. Now I can understand the term 'possession' very well, I see it is in me at least a few times a week. It used to be every morning and nighttime, I will get into the blaming, nagging, moody energetically demanding energy sucking beast, in that I believe that everyone hates me, rejects me etc etc. It will last a good 10 to 15 minutes of serious emotional pain, i mean, its not going to kill me, but a very severely painful sort of emotion, sucks for sure. When I am in that state, please fasten all your seat belts, i can be nasty. I will crush you with a pouting silent, or a pounding shout, verbal abuse is its name. I am sick and tired of this fucking shit i live myself as. I feel so helpless in that crushingly emotional state which gets frigged by so many little things. It could be food, at times eating greasy oily spicy food can knock me off very bad, Or it could be an irregular bowl movements, I could spin in energy possession for a whole day. And each time i take a shit, it seems to feel a little better and better, and finally with a clean bowl, i can relax, feel free from that energy possession.

As far as I can remember, I have been an energy possession type of a person, almost always, I would be in that cranky grumpy state, highly undesirable indeed. I literally feel that i have no control over this whatsoever, i mean, what the fuck, how can i manage and control my bowl movement regularity? Only so much fibre i can eat. Come to think of it, i hardly take good veggies, or drink a lot of water or eat good doze of fruits per day etc, i know i have had very good days with my bowl movement, just only one time visit for the whole day,  As far as I can recall, a meal with tons of veggies, a lot to water, gives me a good movement and keeps me in a healthy state.

So basically my body is telling me that i am abusing it, by not eating with care, like taking the required stuff for the physical sustenance, drinking a lot of water etc. Abusing the body is not acceptable, neglecting the body is not acceptable.

I know, even the shit i take is life, is one and equal as life me. I have heard one can even talk to one's shit, not that i have been successful in that. but i can see the common sense in that, if shit stops coming out, this body cannot live, it will die, taking a good shit is as important as breathing oxygen. No shit No life indeed.

So tonight clearly, my irregular bowl movement got me into that nasty energetic state of mind, of course, once i am there, all hell can break lose, you never know what will happen next. thank god, nothing bad happened, but as usual i got into that nasty moody state. it is suffering for others when i am that state, they fear it, never knowing what disaster may follow.

i have told so many times to myself, that i will not react, i will not show my anger, i will not blame, i will not find fault, yet, so easily and quickly i am become a nagger while in that energy possessive state.

ok, i am here, this new breath, i am still alive, world end has not ended, nor my life has ended, i am still breathing, i can still stop this pattern, i am not an eternal slave to my moodiness nor to the patterns of my bowl movements. i realise, i have to stop abusing my body, i have to care my physical with proper sustenance, not that i want to be a health-nut, no, just simple common sense of taking care of my body.

Still, there is no way to avoid the mind energy possession, i mean, thats something only i can stop it, no diet, no pill, no drink, no smile, no sex, no money, no love, no honey, no person, no family, no doctor, can stop the mind possession within my mind, only i can stop it. within that every moment, i have the direct power and responsibility to stop the mind forever, breath by breath of course. simply breathing, will do the magic, what am i waiting for?

ok, no more regrets, let me re-walk again, let me breath again, i am here, let me stop that mind energy possessive moody grumpy cranky depressive angry spiteful state, with one simple breath. i know i can do it. i feel sad that happiness is so far away for me, just because this bullshit mind energy thirst i get into, it seems i am so helpless. but not to worry, i am live, i am here, i am my physical, nothing is over, i will simply breath, will take proper meals, will drink ample water, will take the required supplements, and of course, i will self-forgive, and self-care, indeed my body is telling me to care for it.

So much commotion for not taking a good shit. gosh. but i am grateful, even my shit can assist me in my process while i am alive here. remember i am not dead, i am still alive. i can do this in this very breath. i am breathe.

With Equal Healthcare System in place, i am sure, even hidden secretive shameful issues like 'Irregular Bowl Movements', 'Constipation', 'Moodiness', will be effectively addressed and supported from various angles. Not just popping a pill, no, but effective wholesome care for the physical body, which will include self-forgiveness and self-honesty perhaps 3 times a day before and after meals. lol.

I am indeed one vote for an Equal Healthcare System, lets us all be well and live well.

There is only Self-Anger

I am here, today is Jan 23, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

Anger is indeed destructive. Do i need to remind myself how fiery anger can be for myself and for others. Gosh this is perhaps the most simplest of lessons every human being already knows, certainly i know this lesson so well, yet again and again i fall for this demon, anger. i mean anger, is there a single person who doesn't ever get angry, and regret getting angry? i doubt it, anger is as normal as defecating for humans, it happens everyday in very predictable patterns. so many promises and so many new year resolutions to overcome anger, to not to explore my anger on others, yet again and again, it shows up. no mercy at all, anger takes no prisons, it knows one and only one way out, destruction and self-destruction.

Tonight, i am not angry nor i am experiencing anger, but i am hearing an angry discussion and feel the pull towards it. As if a random static from a piece of furniture nearby is hitting me suddenly. Meaning, angry of other beings, and their heated conversation has a pulling effect on me. Their conversation has nothing to do with me, yet the pull i feel, as if the current will drag me in, as if i am about react is imminently.

Anger is not personal, its an energy which can drag anyone within the vicinity of its dragging power. I feel pulled, i feel as if I am ready to jump into the debate for no apparent reason, it seems anger of others activate whats within me, therefore the anger within me seeking a feeding session, an angry session to regenerate my ego.

This is hell. either its my own anger, or its my direct action to another's anger, or my indirect reaction to the heat of others and their anger. it doesn't matter, the anger's pull is felt. and i am feeling for a fight. i am getting a bit hungry for fight. so that means, my resonant anger within me already has gotten activated, it is simply awaiting an eruption or two.

Will i ever be free of anger ? will i stop reacting to another' anger ? will i ever not get dragged into the heat of an argument of others ? The mere fact i am being pulled means i have ample anger within me, there is no doubt about that. So my anger or another's anger or static anger (random act of anger), means all the same, because any form of action or reaction of anger is just that, anger. you cannot differentiate or categorize anger. Anger is anger, no matter how you slice or dice it, it won't cut it.

Because Anger exist because self-anger exist. There lies the problem, self anger. Only self-forgiveness and breath can assist in living change on how i act and react to anger.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an angry demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like being anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the rush of anger i feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anger within is so powerful that i cannot contain it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to the anger of another by thinking about their angry words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power and glory to my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my anger is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the momentum of my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my words during anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my anger because i believe its all other's fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is all their fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when i am feeling angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to blame others when i feel angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i blame others then my own self anger will go down. not so. blaming others is to avoid my own anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others when i feel angry within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like destruction when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'fuck all' when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'go to hell you fucking pig' when i am angry. in this i believe that others are pigs and i am a saint when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'go rot in hell you pig' when i am angry. in this i am basically desiring the demise of another. and justify my thoughts as valid because of course i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify all i say and do when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify all i speak and act when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify wars within families and friends when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire destruction when i am angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must live with anger-less humans, not realising no such human exist, as i am still existing in self anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as self anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kill me because i am so angry within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to destroy me because for some unknown goddamn reasons i am angry within myself towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think i should just die to end this anger that exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'that i can't await to die' so my anger will die with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to die to finish this damn anger that exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give so much power to the anger that exist within me. i have made my anger real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give birth to anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give life to the anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give existence to the anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a lease on life for the anger within me each time i get angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my anger the reasons to exist by thinking all day angry thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i am the creator of anger in this world because i am the creator of anger within me. since i allowed anger within me, i allow it within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give birth to anger within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as reaction to anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the anger of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the anger of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pulled by the anger of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to get pulled by the anger of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to be anger and mean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love the power and energy of anger within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to be angry which gives the power to self destroy and destroy others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to run away when i feel angry believing a new place will be anger free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise as long as i exist anger will exist, as there is only self anger.

i am responsible for the anger in this world because i exist as self anger in me.

i am here i am here as the breath of life.

i breathe, i do not allow self anger to ruin me, i do not allow self anger to justify itself.

i am here. i breathe thru as anger arises within me, i stop entertaining angry thoughts within me. i am here, i stop the self-anger within me as me. I realise i am the anger within me. As anger, i stop the self-anger within me.

i breathe.