To Remain 'Fallen' is worse than death. So I stand up here.

Its been two weeks now since I last wrote a blog entry, I can feel it i am rusty. Things can easily hit the ground and make it very hard to stand up again. Since June 30th i could say i have been on a gradual Fall, or have been falling. We moved into a new house on that day, and I have allowed one thing or another to become a conflict following the move. I can easily say, i have allowed my ego and mind possessions to take over, hence for  solid 2 weeks, I have been on a fall sort to speak, meaning, got stuck in the mind and emotions, got into debates and arguments, went on looking for conflicts, looking for points to fight about, blame about it.

It has been a mind mess for last 2 weeks. I can see how I allowed myself to give into the mind and egoic positions just for the heck of making a conflict. its almost like a fight has to take place, its like i am hell bend on starting a conflict. Some days, you can just tell that i am looking for a conflict, you can tell that i have decided to be a devil. You can tell, that i have given up self responsibility entirely and got into the mind's drama.

Once the mind is in control and emotions are feeding it, days and weeks can be easily lost, giving it the name, "Falling".

Is it really a Fall?  well yeh, it was, because i knew all along my words and actions would have nasty outputs yet I allowed myself to go into them. so i allowed the Fall to happen. I allowed it. I allowed myself to ride the wave of emotions to the fuck-town where I can experience the Fall.

Hence there has been no writing, no vlogging, no videos.

Its time to breathe and restart, whatelse i am going to do? stay fallen? no. not at all.

Time to breathe and do some writing, so here it is,  I am back to self writing and soon will be doing self support videos.

desteni process is a self process, I am the only one I cannot hide from. so I can write any bullshit for others, but I know my own pit, the hell I created for myself and others. Therefore I know, it is time to self writing to freedom, its time to breathe and stand up, again, yes again.

I am here. let me restart my desteni process again. Otherwise the price to self pity, self judgment, self blame, regret or remorse is very severe, so it is better I buckle up and stand as life again.

After all, just this one life to live, might as well stand up each time I fall and get up for LIFE.

To remain fallen is worse than death.

So here I am.

Why hanging onto old photos?

With FB, i am connecting with old friends and memories. seen photos from school days some 30 years back is very cool indeed. but the question is, why hang onto those memories, or such nostalgic feelings ? looking for familiarity? looking to reactive old memories? when i first made contact with my old school friends, i was very excited to reconnect and rechat with them, but soon after that, there was really nothing to talk about. you can only talk so much about old school days. with time, we have all grown up, 25-30 years is a long time.

if anything, old photos should remind us how quickly life passes away. i mean, 25-30 years are gone, some innocent looking kids back then are now pretty much grown up and looking rather old too. seen the passing of time via old photos is a moment for self-reflection.

what have i done with my life? in all that 25-30 years, what have i achieved? what have i contributed to this world ? nothing really, more of the same worries and anxieties. and then one fine day, passing of time will stop, no more breaths left. photography will end with one last photo of resting in the coffin.

many of my former school teachers and masters in the old photos are now dead, they were once the pillars of my world. the math teacher, the science teacher, the principal, you name it, they are all gone now. dead. just an old photo or two remains. thanks to FB, we get to walk that memory lane again, just for a moment.

looking at my life thru photos sucks. looking at life thru pictures and memories is rather sad actually. i would rather look at my life via what is here now. what have i contributed, what i have brought about for this world?

hence, i want equal money system to be here implemented, then i can see it here and feel good about it. equality for all is the real achievement to be happy about. ending the poverty for good is the real deal. at the end of my time, i like to see this world as is, and i want to be proud of that world i will be leaving behind.

i dont' need old photos to hang onto, to give me a sense of belonging or a feeling. the world here as-it-is, is the real evidence of what i will leave behind. and for that, i will be relentlessly speaking for world equality, for nothing else really matters.

Resistance to Daily Blogging

I am here breathing, today is Jan 24th 2011. My daily blogging continues.

Continue to feel heavy resistance to writing today again. But no excuses, pushing myself to pen down few words. I mean WTF, why so much resistance, am I trying to rob a bank here or what. Simply writing myself out to freedom, isn't that a such bad thing, to feel so much resistance. It all goes to show there is something within me hell bend on taking the path of least resistance, avoiding freedom at any cost. This means i am already preprogrammed to live a robot life, so any attempt to rescript myself through writing is not going to be easy. Its in the very base design of myself to give up and give in, never take the courageous step to self-introspect, let alone share it with others on a daily bases. Yes all goes to show re-birthing as life is  journey against the momentum of preprogramming. I mean had i decided to watch TV right now, specially with some porn scenes there will no resistance at all, instead my mind will give all kinds of justifications to indulge in TV/porn. Again it goes to the degree of preprogramming that exist within me as me. I have allowed all this conditioning within me, of course.

So no blaming, rather see the pattern and walk thru it, do what must be done. So here I am writing myself to freedom. Even finding a topic is very tough, I often feel there is nothing to write about, although i very well know there are tons of issues to write about within the principle of common sense.

Writing to freedom is not about story telling or a history review, rather here writing means deconstruction of my accepted and allowed reality within and without. This is no soap, this is reality and recreating a new reality for humanity and for myself.

I am here breathing.

So tonight I want to write about resistance, a point i experienced at work today.

My team leader after reviewing my work stuff, he recommended new things to be done. In that very moment, I raised my voice in a very unconscious manner, to the point of anger almost, but certainly a strong unconscious resistance to do any 'more' work items as he suggested. I mean wtf, i am there to work, and i am given an assignment, the first thing i do is RESIST.

This is an all too familiar pattern within me. My reaction is to resist, trying to avoid, trying to skip, of course, moments later i realise my madness, immediately did some patch up statements and agree to finish the new assignments. Of course, the capitalist system is not very tolerant to those who show resistance to work, i mean that is what this 'work ethics' are all about, to make sure that we remain good workers. Of course the question of why i resist to work is never asked, but i know, i am simply preprogrammed to live a lazy lethargic pattern of life. Unacceptable. It is my base design. But here I am, undoing my resonant structural design of who i am to the very core.

I name the game, then I self-forgive and then self-correct with a new script in hand. Yet, change is only visible and real when the rubber meets the road, meaning, when i am faced with that same point again. Only action will show have i physically changed or simply perceptually changed, meaning i think i have changed but in factual physical reality when faced with the same points, i am back to square one. So change is only real when the rubber meets the road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  resist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing anything new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing anything new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing myself out to freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  fear writing myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist expressing myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist self expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to be lazy and lethargic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to give into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my mind is correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like my mind's justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give into my minds
justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender to my mind's justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my preprogrammed resonant core design as 'normal',

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of my core resonant design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any changes against my core resonant design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist any actions against my core resonant design. meaning i will only do what my mind says is correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise listening to my mind is like jumping to the river, it will never take me to freedom. as i must walk thru the momentum of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist daily vlogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing properly and correctly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing correct english statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing in a proper manner, instead give into the mind's laziness and write sloppy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing proper statements with correct grammar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying myself to self write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear writing believing that others may think that i am fool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear self writing because i think others may laugh at my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear self writing believing that others are judging my writings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear writing because my mind has lots fears to self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always find an excuse each night to avoid doing my daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost hate daily blogging because resistance is so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the whole point of daily blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can think myself into rebirthing as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt self blogging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear self writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have nothing to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have nothing to write about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have nothing to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself as words here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist sharing myself here as words as life.

i am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing my work at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying myself to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying myself to get the job done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any physical movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused concentration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist any focused projects.
instead i just want to relax. not realising relaxing is here as me. i can relax while writing. in fact writing can be the most relaxing. and doing any work in fact is relaxing if i am here as the breath. its only the mind that gives stories and wanting to relax elsewhere. its never here.

i am here.

till here no further, i will not accept and allow resistance to self writing. i simply apply me.
i simply walk thru the resistances. i am here and i simply write myself out.

i am self trust. i am self willing to self birth as life.

i am life. i am here as my words. i am self writing. i am writing myself here. i am simply writing, and relaxing. i am here as the breath of life. as breath, i am always relaxed here.