Since around 3pm today, i have been feeling kind of low and down. Meaning, a slight version of depression, and self pity has taken me over. This energy possession is nothing unusual to me, its a very familiar takeover that happens every now and then, I have no idea why. When I enter this state of mind, its only a matter of minutes before I pick on something with someone. In the past, it was mostly my parents or brothers, I will never hesitate to lash out at them, for any trivial thing, it doesn't matter, once I enter "that energetic mode", all bets are off, fasten your seat belts, hell is just one breath away. It could happen anytime.
Living with my wife, things are bit different, i cannot just lash out, she is a tough gal, will not put up with my mode swings. I never had any live-together love-relationships before, so this is the first time I am actually living with a woman, ever since I left my parent's home back in 1989 i always either lived alone or had male roommates. In terms of lovers, I never entered any living together agreements. It was just easy to have my own place and visit the girl friend every now and then. I mean why take all that trouble of living together. I am now married for 2 years, out that only about last 6 months period I am actually living together. So i am rather inexperienced when it comes to cohabitation. Most of our wars get trigged when I enter "that energetic mode", as I become so needy and demanding her attention, naturally it turns her off big time. The principle of what you resist persist, I experience first hand. The more I demand her attention, guess what, less I get, then i get even more nasty. When I am all in a normal mode, there is hardly any problems.
I struggled with "that energetic mode' for all my life, ever since i was child. I cannot describe what it is, it just takes over me, an energetic, emotional moody body, as if I am possessed, a compete take over. Only after inflicting a good doze of nasty words and pain to others, does "that" state cools itself down a bit. The more i pound better I feel. I become normal and gentle, i offer many words of apologies and sweet offers to make things up. I am out of words to describe "that" state, so let me borrow a new age term called "painbody", meaning, old emotional shit, which gets activated, a complete takeover happens. Resonant possession, a demonic possession.
So, today, i went through this all too familiar drama, thank god, nothing dramatic happened, i just obnoxiously raised my voice, sort of a mean nasty way, but held my words back, didn't voice them. I mean i have no idea how or what is this shitty emotional takeover that happens to me. Since desteni, i have become much "tolerable", meaning i am less mean and less nasty. I just wish someday this bloody moody takeover will stop. i mean WTF, its so tiring and lonely to crush people so often.
Strangely enough, this very 'problem' made me very isolated person hence I became a seeker, always looking for some solution to assist me, of course most of the time i landed with this spiritual group or that, but "that" core problem never end or decreased. Only with desteni, i have the tools, and significant progress i have made in taming this emotional painbody beast within me.
End of the day, I realize whatever i experience, i am self responsible for. Simply because, had i stayed continuously and constantly within my breath, i could over come the power of "that". But obviously, i give into my mind, which takes me for ride to 'fuckup' town. so the solution is amazingly simply, stay within the breath through any storm, and when i miss that simple principle, of course, hell is just one breath away.
Will I ever change? will i ever stop this emotional bullshit painbody within me? of course, i cannot just "stop" it, as it has its own momentum of 42 years of build up. But i have the most amazing power and responsibility to stay within the breath, for which there is no excuse.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that i am helpless when I am taken over by that state of mind.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that i must go thru "that" every now and then, simply because it is something i am so familiar with.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to give in to my mind.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i am addicted to regenerating my mind's ego. i love my ego.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love my ego. therefore i love to feed it with mind energy. in the forms of fight and debates and accusations.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love blaming because in blaming i feed my ego.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to get an energetic feed session in the form of spiteful anger and hate.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to be angry.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to demand attention from others, otherwise i will be nasty. i love to be nasty.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that i love to be nasty.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i love to be mean.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i love to blame others.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in blaming i avoid my self responsibility.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing me so instead i am always looking to pound at others.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to define me as a moody person.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am condemn to a life time of moodiness. not realising within one single breath i can be free myself from this madness.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to like to be ,mad and angry. its so easy to live such life. living as breath is tough.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to define living as breath as tough. therefore i have already given me the permission to live as the mind. so naturally i have already accepted and allowed myself to be my mind and ego.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love my ego.
I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to have a fight because in that i feed my mind and its ego.
i am here. breath is my solution. in every breath i am here as the physical.
there is no other solution, i am here as breath. EVERY breath, i must be here, not just few breath now and some breaths later. no. that is not acceptable.
Because, for me, hell is just one breath away. So it matters absolutely that I live as my breath here in the physical in every breath. Otherwise my wife will show me what i have accepted and allowed, she will not put with my moodiness, Self responsibility for every breath is the point i am facing.
There are no excuses, every breath I must be here.
Showing posts with label Equal Moneys System. Desteni. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Equal Moneys System. Desteni. Show all posts
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Why must you deserve a happy good life?
I am here, Today is Jan 20th 2011, my daily blogging continues.
It is fascinating to watch how people leave their work places at the end of the day, during the so called evening rush hour. As if they are been released from jail or something. As I observe, these rush hour people heading to their homes, I notice they carry a certain sense of achievement within them. As if they deserve to go home, now that they have given a day's worth of work for the company, so now they can go home.
Another point I observe is these workers carry a sense of importance, yes, I am an accomplished person today. Within that, a justification, a reward, I deserve a fat pay check, a pretty house, etc etc. Its all about me, so end of the day, I go home feeling that indeed I deserve all the nice things in the world, and why not, I just finished a day's work, giving myself to the capitalist corporations my blood, sweat and tears, so I deserve all the nice things I can possibly buy.
But during the whole day, I will never mention that the only reason i am here to work, is just to get a pay check, that money, so that I can survive, yes I will never talk about that. It is the real hidden purpose of my employment, to survive. Yet at work, I will make it sound like as if I am here because I care about the objective, tactical goals of the company, both short term and long term. I mean, i pretend like my purpose in life is to care for the company's profit ambitions, so I meekly align myself with the corporate goals, of course, otherwise consequences are severe, even homelessness could result. Don't mess with the capitalists or with their systems.
More than the capitalists, it is the workers, it is me, who keeps the system going, as their utter surrender and meek alignment so that i can make my money. Of course, I have to maintain my pretty house, all the beautiful gadgets, fancy life styles, it must all be paid, so the job is the key thing, it provides the money. Within the work environments, this so obvious point of money is never openly discussed, I pretend like I am here to glorify and serve the mighty executive goals of the corporations. There is a subtle submission and dishonest loyalty. I am here to make money, not because I love or I am loyal to the company, anyone who says that is a total liar. I mean WTF.
What a deceptive life indeed, but the sad part is, I have no choice, as I need that money to survive.
So, can we continue like this for another 1000 or 2000 years with capitalists ruling the planet sucking it dry and demolished all to just make a profit ?
Obviously, we all know, this system of supply and demand, profit and loss cannot continue. Time for a change, a profound change.
Equal Life Party is the solution. So I am one vote for Equal Money and Equal Labor, and I am one for Equal Life Party. No more deceptions, no more dishonest loyalties, no more profit ambitions, no sucking up just to survive, no more justifications to have a home, no more justifications to live.
Simply being a human is all the reason to deserve a happy good life, any other reason or justification is manipulative and dishonest.
It is fascinating to watch how people leave their work places at the end of the day, during the so called evening rush hour. As if they are been released from jail or something. As I observe, these rush hour people heading to their homes, I notice they carry a certain sense of achievement within them. As if they deserve to go home, now that they have given a day's worth of work for the company, so now they can go home.
Another point I observe is these workers carry a sense of importance, yes, I am an accomplished person today. Within that, a justification, a reward, I deserve a fat pay check, a pretty house, etc etc. Its all about me, so end of the day, I go home feeling that indeed I deserve all the nice things in the world, and why not, I just finished a day's work, giving myself to the capitalist corporations my blood, sweat and tears, so I deserve all the nice things I can possibly buy.
But during the whole day, I will never mention that the only reason i am here to work, is just to get a pay check, that money, so that I can survive, yes I will never talk about that. It is the real hidden purpose of my employment, to survive. Yet at work, I will make it sound like as if I am here because I care about the objective, tactical goals of the company, both short term and long term. I mean, i pretend like my purpose in life is to care for the company's profit ambitions, so I meekly align myself with the corporate goals, of course, otherwise consequences are severe, even homelessness could result. Don't mess with the capitalists or with their systems.
More than the capitalists, it is the workers, it is me, who keeps the system going, as their utter surrender and meek alignment so that i can make my money. Of course, I have to maintain my pretty house, all the beautiful gadgets, fancy life styles, it must all be paid, so the job is the key thing, it provides the money. Within the work environments, this so obvious point of money is never openly discussed, I pretend like I am here to glorify and serve the mighty executive goals of the corporations. There is a subtle submission and dishonest loyalty. I am here to make money, not because I love or I am loyal to the company, anyone who says that is a total liar. I mean WTF.
What a deceptive life indeed, but the sad part is, I have no choice, as I need that money to survive.
So, can we continue like this for another 1000 or 2000 years with capitalists ruling the planet sucking it dry and demolished all to just make a profit ?
Obviously, we all know, this system of supply and demand, profit and loss cannot continue. Time for a change, a profound change.
Equal Life Party is the solution. So I am one vote for Equal Money and Equal Labor, and I am one for Equal Life Party. No more deceptions, no more dishonest loyalties, no more profit ambitions, no sucking up just to survive, no more justifications to have a home, no more justifications to live.
Simply being a human is all the reason to deserve a happy good life, any other reason or justification is manipulative and dishonest.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Hu is Here
Today is Wednesday Jan 19th, 2011. My daily blogging continues.
The Chinese President Hu is here, visiting with the US leadership for constructive relationship between the two nations. I saw bits of TV news today about the pompous ceremony and events, lots of powerful images were flashing on the screen as if two Gods are meeting. I didn't get to catch much of the details, but it seems Hu will be meeting with the industrial leadership as well, meaning most CEOs, of multinational corporations will get to chit chat with Hu. I wonder what they will talk about.
Isn't that an amazing thing, its all about business, its all about expanding markets and increasing profits, but they make it sound like a very noble humanitarian thing, Because after all its about creating jobs for the normal citizens of the two countries. For the corporate CEOs this event is a dream come true, as governments on both sides will take care of them, regardless of their apparent political differences.
Sino-US political colors may be different as day and night, but when it comes to caring for the profit generating rich business gods, they are all on the same page. Money knows no color, no political ideology. Political views and ideologies are for the masses to keep themselves occupied with, to debate weather capitalism is better or the red crap is better ?
I mean WTF, did Hu and our history making eloquent man manage to have any discussion about how to end the suffering of our planet? how to end starvation of nearly 1 billion people? how to stop the abuse of our rivers and seas? how to end this profit generating engine, so that humans can actually live their lives instead trying to survive day and night? did they ever have a discussion about the pros and cons of capitalism and its consequential chaos that is destroying our planet?
But the CEOs must be laughing, more expandable markets assured by the heads of states themselves, larger tax breaks and investment incentives, it sounds a lot like Christmas. The whole state visit seems like a corporate business meeting to talk about how make more money. of course the average Joe think its about creating jobs and building security. This is an endless trap, capitalism seems to win on all fronts. Simply because every Joe has to survive, has to eat, got to have a roof over the head, got to have food and medicine on the table etc, so he/she will put up with anything.
This is like the olden days when every citizen was a subject of the Royals, we simply worked for them to make the Royals happy. Of course, if you complaint, you're gone. And you will stupid to complaint or rebel against them, so just shut up and do your job, make the Royals happy, after all you're getting your food at least.
Amazing trap isn't it. Either live according to the rules of capitalism or perish at your own hands. Rebels don't make it. Revolutions will not make it. Protest will not bring anything. Demonstration and political coups will not bring anything. Even god almighty Wars will not bring any change. Nothing as we have ever known will bring any change to our current system of money or politics.
Equal Life Party, with its revolutionary yet simply principle of Equal Money System and Equal Labor System will bring absolute change, it will establish a practical heaven on earth.
Hu is here, i am sure in few more years another Hu will visit for another pompous bilateral constructive meetings, in the meanwhile CEOs will cash it in. Its all about business. With Equal Life Party, no more Hus, or no more Singhs. We are one planet, one humanity, so we need one Equal Money System, and one Equal Labor System. Care, not profit, as profit by its very definition is not about caring, its about making money.
No amount of political will or meetings or state visits can bring the element of care which will support and assist every human. Only the Equal Life Party can deliver such care and support.
Hu, so thanks for the visit, if you care, join us, study what Equal Money System is all about. Certainly, I am one vote for Equal Money and Equal Labor.
The Chinese President Hu is here, visiting with the US leadership for constructive relationship between the two nations. I saw bits of TV news today about the pompous ceremony and events, lots of powerful images were flashing on the screen as if two Gods are meeting. I didn't get to catch much of the details, but it seems Hu will be meeting with the industrial leadership as well, meaning most CEOs, of multinational corporations will get to chit chat with Hu. I wonder what they will talk about.
Isn't that an amazing thing, its all about business, its all about expanding markets and increasing profits, but they make it sound like a very noble humanitarian thing, Because after all its about creating jobs for the normal citizens of the two countries. For the corporate CEOs this event is a dream come true, as governments on both sides will take care of them, regardless of their apparent political differences.
Sino-US political colors may be different as day and night, but when it comes to caring for the profit generating rich business gods, they are all on the same page. Money knows no color, no political ideology. Political views and ideologies are for the masses to keep themselves occupied with, to debate weather capitalism is better or the red crap is better ?
I mean WTF, did Hu and our history making eloquent man manage to have any discussion about how to end the suffering of our planet? how to end starvation of nearly 1 billion people? how to stop the abuse of our rivers and seas? how to end this profit generating engine, so that humans can actually live their lives instead trying to survive day and night? did they ever have a discussion about the pros and cons of capitalism and its consequential chaos that is destroying our planet?
But the CEOs must be laughing, more expandable markets assured by the heads of states themselves, larger tax breaks and investment incentives, it sounds a lot like Christmas. The whole state visit seems like a corporate business meeting to talk about how make more money. of course the average Joe think its about creating jobs and building security. This is an endless trap, capitalism seems to win on all fronts. Simply because every Joe has to survive, has to eat, got to have a roof over the head, got to have food and medicine on the table etc, so he/she will put up with anything.
This is like the olden days when every citizen was a subject of the Royals, we simply worked for them to make the Royals happy. Of course, if you complaint, you're gone. And you will stupid to complaint or rebel against them, so just shut up and do your job, make the Royals happy, after all you're getting your food at least.
Amazing trap isn't it. Either live according to the rules of capitalism or perish at your own hands. Rebels don't make it. Revolutions will not make it. Protest will not bring anything. Demonstration and political coups will not bring anything. Even god almighty Wars will not bring any change. Nothing as we have ever known will bring any change to our current system of money or politics.
Equal Life Party, with its revolutionary yet simply principle of Equal Money System and Equal Labor System will bring absolute change, it will establish a practical heaven on earth.
Hu is here, i am sure in few more years another Hu will visit for another pompous bilateral constructive meetings, in the meanwhile CEOs will cash it in. Its all about business. With Equal Life Party, no more Hus, or no more Singhs. We are one planet, one humanity, so we need one Equal Money System, and one Equal Labor System. Care, not profit, as profit by its very definition is not about caring, its about making money.
No amount of political will or meetings or state visits can bring the element of care which will support and assist every human. Only the Equal Life Party can deliver such care and support.
Hu, so thanks for the visit, if you care, join us, study what Equal Money System is all about. Certainly, I am one vote for Equal Money and Equal Labor.
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