Is Capitalism more evil than Hitler?

Hitler, the most evil man ever known to mankind is finally getting knocked off from his notorious position. There is something more evil than Hitler, yes indeed. It is called Capitalism. Lets apply a simple mathematical equation to make this case. By the way, please, this is no beatification of Hitler, this is simply to see what more evil things that exists in our world to which we turn a blind eye to.

Lets look at the numbers: 10 million humans directly or indirectly killed by Hitler. Some may argue that number as too low, while others may say its too high, so adjust the number to your justifiable range. So 10 million humans lost their lives for the madness of one man, Hitler.

Come to Capitalism. nearly 3 billion people below the poverty line, 1 billion people in the brink of starvation, millions either die or in extreme situations due to poverty, millions homeless, many millions have no fresh water, economic hardship and/or severe working conditions, becoming prostitutes to feed their families, many die out of lack of healthcare due to sky rocketing healthcare bills, desperate unemployment, enslavement in factories, no pension, sudden lost of pension funds and investments, etc.

I mean a very long list of destitute living conditions have been brought upon human beings by the wonderful capitalism.

I wonder what they teach at the London school of economics ?

Do the math, add each human who lost his/her life in relation to matters of money. how many has money killed directly or indirectly? how many has the banks killed directly or indirectly, all in the name of money and making  a profit?

Addition is a simple form of mathematics, so I assume you can do the math for yourself. Far more millions are dying or dead due to Capitalism, hence it is far more evil than Hitler ever was or could have been.

Capitalism is an evil that has no end. It must be stopped.

Solution: Equal Money System.  Join us, investigate what is equal money system. Don't turn a blind eye now, there is lot more evil than Hitler, yes, so it is your self responsibility to undo the evil. Join us.

Holy Cross Catholic Church, Thank You, now lets bring Equal Quality of Life to All.

Back in 1989 when I arrived in Canada all by myself, I found myself in a rather difficult situation. I came to Canada as an International student to study in University of Victoria in BC Canada. War was in high swing at that time in Sri Lanka, like most Sri Lankan Tamils, I wanted to get the fuck out of Sri Lanka alive. I was lucky to get admitted to study in Canada, I was fortunate enough that my parents paid my ticket to Canada and gave me enough money for first year to survive. There was no way of earth my parents could have support me though 4-5 years of University education as an international student (who pays 3-4 times higher than the local student) in Canada.

I met the campus Catholic chaplain and discussed my situation, here i was very alone, new to the country, just 20 years of age, with a bleak financial prospect, and my chances of continuing with my education looked increasingly bleak. The chaplain, late Rev. Father Leo Robert was a kind man, he understood my situation and moreover he understood that I cannot return to my native country, Sri Lanka. A slight possibility of deportation from Canada existed as well due to lack of funds for the 2nd year of school. Things looked very bad for me.

He arranged with his church, which i later became a member of, to assist and support me financially through my University by providing me with a bursary. A heavy burden was taken out of my head, my life changed completely, I could now focus on education and not about money or place to live etc.

The good people at the Holy Cross Catholic Church in Victoria BC full-filled Fr. Leo's request and supported me financially.   They bailed me out of a seriously difficult personal life situation.

Some 21 years later, I am living a good life as a Canadian Citizen, things indeed good for me.

But today, I write this note about a situation that is much more darker and serious. And I am writing this to request their support one more time. This time, I personally request the Church and their members to really investigate the situation and make personal contributions.

Now I am with a group called desteni, a group that is dedicated to bring Equal Quality of Life for All humans. This will be done via a series of life supporting systems called: Equal Money System, Equal Labor System, Equal Housing System, Equal Education System, Equal Healthcare system etc. It is a serious undertaking and it will be done. However, at this stage, the desteni group is at "Research Phase", meaning, handful of dedicated beings on a full time basis do research on things that matters to life. Above all, they support us robotic humans to become real humans, which is essential for a world to change.

In supporting me, essentially the Holy Cross Church supported 1 human being, though i am grateful, but that support did not reach the whole world, it did not touch all 6-7 billion of us. Whereas by supporting the desteni group in their research efforts, your contributions will bring about a change for the whole world. It will touch the lives of 6-7 billion humans, in fact everyone of them. A world will be changed.

In the next 20-25 years, desteni solutions to world problems will be presented via a political forum, via a political entity. We will be elected and above mentioned life supporting systems will be implemented in ever country. Humans will at last live without the burden of fear and anxiety. Just like how the good people of Holy cross catholic church bailed me out of anxiety and worry, Equal Money System will bail out every human being.

For this, desteni group must be supported and assisted. Of course the best support is to join them, and be them.

So this is a very kind request to all Holy Cross Church members, friends, my brothers, my family and to all so-called strangers to support desteni group. Desteni Research must continue, Equal Money System must be implemented. This world must be changed so that it is BEST for All.


Thank you.
Anton.

My friend Saba Ravishankar passed away today.

My good friend Saba Ravishankar passed away this Easter Sunday, April 24, 2011.  father of 3, successful engineer, technical leader, community organizer, a good friend, example family man, voice for justice, well wisher of all. I knew ravi from cricket, back in 1996 we played for the same cricket club. Many times I have been to ravi’s house for dinner, drinks etc. we had a very natural friendship, our political views and interest in cricket helped pass many conversations. Ravi was not a spiritual nor religious man, yes on paper he was a Hindu, he would rather stick to practical matters, he never got into religious, spiritual or godly debates.

While visiting him over the years, I would share my recent spiritual discoveries with ravi and his wife, hoping they will join me too. First it was Sai Baba, then Hare Krishna, later the Power of Now stuff, and lastly the message of desteni. Ravi rejected all my spiritual discourses very subtly, except when I spoke about the desteni message, he had an attentive ear, though he could not actively embrace the message. I told  him about the Equal Life Party, its policies, I told him about the equal money system, and all the other things about equality, that was about month a half ago when I last saw him. I spoke a statement of self-forgiveness aloud for him to hear and apply it as his sickness got worse. Well, month and a half ago, his illness was serious but death was not in sight. Ravi liked the message of desteni, I am not sure if he had any time to apply the tools as his illness, advanced prostate cancer took over him.

As our last conversation came to an end, I made a point of saying, should death come to you, die as life, not as a mind, meaning give up your mind before the death arrives.  Everyone is in process, it’s ok to share, but not cool to preach, I feel I was preaching a bit too much to him last time. As everyone is in  process, this preaching thing is not cool, sharing is ok, and at best live the message, live as Life, give up the mind here now. Be an example of Life.  

Death of ravi has hit me so hard. Yet death must be faced, death is a grace, imagine if humans were immortal, the abuses that are going on in this world will never end, so thank god death exist, it ends all abuses in this world at some point. Sad part is Ravi left a world that is filled with abuses, nearly 1 billion starving, and many millions suffering, while a selected few having all the fun.  

Ravi has died, his life on earth is over, his family life is over, his busy career is over, his so called successful life is over, all the affection he shared with others is over, all his friendliness is over, as death ends everything.  The reason death is so sad is because total equality of all beings is not established here yet, and when equality for all is here, death will no longer be a loss nor a sad thing, it is simply a passing over. I exist as you, while you exist as me, and I exist as everything. Today, I only exist as a noisy mind, and that is a real sad thing, the noisy mind.

I cherish my friendship with Ravi and his family, I am sad about his passing today. He is on his own process as everyone is. Today I realize one thing, equality for all is an urgent matter, it must be established, as it will allow humans to live a perfect life, diseases like prostate cancer will not exist. In fact no disease will exist, it will be a practical heaven on earth. Ravi was not so lucky to see it, he died just too early, he was 47. Certainly, his 3 little children will inherit a new earth, I am certain of that. I am grateful for Ravi’s friendship.  

Now I know my own death is around the corner.  

BlackBerry's Playbook is released. Nobody committed suicided.

Much awaited challenge to the Apple's iPad is out in the market, designed, developed and deployed by Research in Motion, or RIM. It is the Blackberry Playbook, multitasking, flash supported web browsing, along with tons of other apps make the Playbook a real challenge to the iPad.

well the iPad is made in China and we all heard the news about slave labor situation in some of those iPad factories, wasn't there some news about such laborers committing suicide etc? Chinese factory mangers had to employ security personals to keep an eye on workers so to prevent any overworked suicides.

Very bad image for Apple for indeed. I will certainly not buy an iPad just for that reason, knowing that some humans had to commit suicide in the process of developing the tablet.

No such bad news for the Playbook, nobody committed suicide here or there due to overworked stress. But then again, this overworked stress thing is not just an Apple thing, i am sure many other big names factories will have their share of laborers committing suicide or doing something crazy because of overworked stress.

The problem is not this company or that company.  The problem is the system, the capitalistic system that cares for none, it cares only for profit making. A race to make profit is the name of the game, employees, workers, laborers, are all actually slaves here in the west or in the factories in the east. Simply because we are all enslaved by the system of money. Capitalism is the cause problem.

With that realization, I will take my words above back about not buying an Apple's iPad, I will not base my purchasing decision on Chinese worker suicide news, as it is nothing specific to Apple Inc. It could have happened in any Chinese factory, i mean every factory laborer over there is overworked. working 35-40 hours a week would a semi vacation for them.

So is it iPad or Playbook, let your personal taste be the judge, not the suicide news. I like the multi-tasking features of Playbook, while I google, i can work on my blog as well, and enjoy my favorite videos by Bernard Poolman on the background, all thanks to the multi tasking features of Playbook's POSIX compliant operating system called QNX.  I love the QNX kernel, it has some cool features.

Yet, lets not forget why those Chinese workers committed suicide, one such death is too many. I certainly wouldn't like to be a slave labor to survive in this world. To have a shelter, food, water, medicine, education, for myself and my children, i must not have to work like a slave, such needs are a basic human right.

I unconditionally caste my vote for Equal Money System, by which every human being will be supported from birth to death unconditionally. Equal Money System simply makes sense, its common sense, no need to work till you kill yourself so that you can feed your family.

Investigate Equal Money System.  

'Random Acts of Kindness' is Manipulation - Study Equal Money System.

Within spiritual circles you will hear this term, "Random acts of kindness", i suppose it implies doing or been kind here and there. And random implies, just out of the blue you will push yourself into doing some acts of kindness. The question is will you hug a beggar? will you sit and have tea with a beggar, will go for a walk with a prostitute ? will you play with a homeless sick child along with your kids?

what nonsense, where is the 'random acts of kindness' when you need it the most? in my experience these acts of kindness are forms of manipulation, limited one's circle of friends and family. of course, within the same social economic environment, one lives the dream of 'random acts of kindness' believing self as a kind person. its total bullshit.

yet the world needs just one act of kindness, and it is not random, very specific, very well defined, very objective singular act of kindness, and that is the understanding and implementation of Equal Money System. thousands of little acts of kindness means nothing,

when all you need is just one life supporting system by which every human being will live in dignity. if you cannot give that, all your so-called 'random acts of kindness are nothing but bullshit attempts at manipulation'.

stop the spiritual nonsense of believing self to be very kind and pious etc. if you really dare to care, investigate the equal money system. it will be an act of kindness that will touch the lives of 7 billion humans to rest of time.

http://www.equalmoney.org

Stop 'Divine Charity' instead embrace Equal Money System.

A note 'divine charity':

Self-forgive, become self-honest, establish in self-trust, rebirth yourself through the physical as life. consider what is best for all. free yourself from all fears and mind-controlling non-sense like belief systems and religions. stand up as life, as you. consider equal money system, equal labor system, equal housing, equal education, etc, so that all humans have access to equal quality of life, not just few 'lucky' ones.

a new earth is arriving, where equality for all will be established. inner change, outer change, self-change, world change. at the end, it doesn't matter you stand up for life or not, when your time is up, you will silently die like a fly on the windscreen anyways.

start with baby steps, apply self-forgiveness, investigate it, see how you can participate in this process, it is your responsibility to self-change and world-change.

thank god there is death to end all bullshit.

your divine charity is only charitable for a selected few, and i wonder who is the devil behind the divine charity, as money can turn anyone into a devil. divine charity very much sounds like devil's charity, all thanks to money.

embrace equal money for all, the real divine charity that considers what is best for all 7 billion of us. isn't that really charity, nobody is left out, not even animals or plants, all are considered.

2011 World cup cricket winner is already fixed: Its all about MONEY.

cricket is a fucking money printing machine. now with the world cup, millions if not billions will be made. even betting on the game outcomes is a huge bloody business. so you never know may be the final outcome of this saturday's world cup final game is already fixed. we the ignorant spectators will shout and scream for our teams, while the big boys will cash in big time.

few years back a South African cricket captain admitted to match fixing. the guy even had a tattoo on his arm, WWJD, What Would Judas Do, opps sorry, What Would Jesus Do. And he did exactly that, follow judas. the fucking father of christianity.

so this saturday, don't get all hyped up, the game is already decided by the money movers and shakers. such is life in this capitalistic world of ours, everything is decided by money. who lives, who dies, who eats, who starves, yes decided by the supreme godhead, the MONEY.

fucked up shit, so join us, investigate the Equal Money System. lets bring a new world where money doesn't rule us humans. it is simply tool to exchange. Study investigate Equal Money System.

Make your fucking life a useful one

King's Speech: Teach the King Self-Forgiveness, please.

I am here. Today is Jan 30, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

I am committing myself to write at least a few minutes everyday about myself, contributing to self writing. I realise once i fall behind in this even one day, it gets accumulated, meaning, one missed day soon be two missed days, then three etc. Then, it wont' be too long when i will have missed a whole week of missed days. Therefore tonight, i have all the reasons to not spend any time writing, as it is already 12:35am, obviously way past bed time, and I am sleepy and tired. I just don't' want to skip even a day in self writing, i know, a day can easily be two, three days. So no, i am here, taking just another 10 minutes to write myself out a bit.

So tonight the point is preciously that, not giving up self writing even for a day no matter what. And it doest' have to be a long piece, just 10 mins is sufficient just to keep the self commitment to daily blogging continue. The key word is 'daily'. Self writing daily.

Yes, i am writing myself to freedom daily.

Tonight, i saw the movie, 'the king's speech'. A king whose voice is stuck within himself out of sheer fear and memories. Stammering as he speaks becomes a serious stumbling block for himself as he assumes the responsibilities of the crown. A kind friend and a teacher, assist him with self expression, by showing the king his fears. Let the fears go, let the memories of the fears go, are the advice of the friend to the king to be. Bravely, the new king delivers his first speech, his first war time speech. ha ha, same bullshit isn't it. Been fearless didn't make the king , a king for all, but rather a king for war. same old bullshit. But there is not the point there.

By learning to undo one's fears, the king is able to over come his stammering voice, and is able to voice himself out.

Self forgiveness does preciously that and more. Self forgiveness allows me to overcome my fears, and assist me to voice myself clearly and preciously. My self expression develops. I speak clearly and directly. Moreover, self forgiveness is assisting me with self rebirth through the physical. King George the VI didn't' know self forgiveness, he only overcame his stammering voice,

With self-forgiveness so much is possible, it is becoming of life. It is to rebirth self as life and to rebirth a practical heaven to us all.

King's speech the movie is cool, as it shows how limiting life can be when living with fears etc. But the movie is just that, a feel good sensational hollywood of one man's triumphed over his limitations. If the simple advice of a friend can change the course of a king, imagine, with the power over self forgiveness and self honesty, a whole new world can be manifested by self honest humans,

No need for kings anymore, as each of us, is a king/queen. Equal and One.

So the simple message i gave to myself after seen the movie is: Scream self forgiveness to overcome all my fears, no more fears, none whatsoever.

Cool. As per the king himself, George the VI still went to war, he didn't rebirth himself as life, nor did he bring out equality for all. Basically, he was a useless king, like a bug on the windscreen, he was gone, when his time was up. A useless life royally lived indeed.

Since embracing the desteni process, I have found a passion, meaning, and purpose to my life. This is simply a magic, how i have become so dedicate to life and equality for all. I have indeed surprised myself. Is this really me? It is an amazing journey.

I will not say, long live the king, but certainly, I will say, long live the 'equality for all' as it is the way to heaven on earth. No royals are needed.

Join us www.desteni.co.za

Past is Tailgating

I am here, Today is Jan 28th, 2011. My daily blogging continues.

Past is always tailgating. I am looking at my past, I am looking at her past. I am looking at our past. In all this, I am trying to resurrect the past 'as a tool of revenge'. Indeed past is preciously for that reason, a tool to seek revenge and be spiteful.

Tonight, I reminded again, just live here in the breath of this moment, i mean where else to be ? To escape into the future is madness, to dwell in the past is insane. So, where can I safely be ? Here, now, within the body, within the breath. I see my mind is racing to the 'tomorrow'. I see tomorrow is going to be a tough day, and I already projecting it, I am already feeling the heat of tomorrow. Gosh, but my body is here, my breath is here. Its not fair, I am not giving my body nor my breath my attention. I am basically ignoring my breath and my body. This is self negligence and self abuse.

I am here. I do what must be done practically within the principle of equality and oneness, meaning, 'do unto others, what i like to be done unto me'. Very simple. Don't allow fucking emotions and feeling to rollover me. I am here as breath. I am here as the attention, the power of me.

When i give my attention to my thoughts, emotions and feeling, i am giving up my self power. My attention is my self power. So, i have to be very careful where i place my self attention. To follow my thoughts, emotions and feelings is stretching my attention, hence i am stressed, because my attention is stretched. I am here.

Here is where existence is. Yes I say that with knowledge, but I realise its simplicity.

So, tonight, I am sharing self-forgiveness to live here. No more tailgating of the past.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and live within the past of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape this breath and go to the
past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall the past as a tool of revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the past as a tool of
revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull shit from the past as a tool of revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as revenge of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to bring the old shit out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to bring the old pain out and hammer them out. it is revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love to blame the beings here for their apparent bad past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for their past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame when i see my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused when i recall my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as an abused child thru the eyes of the past. in this give power to the so called abuse that was in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give reality to the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give life to the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the past back into life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the past to be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the past to exist here so that i can feel the same shit of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my attention to the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my attention to the memories
of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid the past because i am so ashamed of some past stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selective about my past memories. because some hidden past bring shame in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shameful about my abusive past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for my abusive past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame and guilt for my 'difficult' past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dirty and shame for my so called tough past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some of past is horrible while other parts are beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when i recall my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be happy when i recall some parts of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mix feeling about my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anger and happiness when i recall my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be happy when i recall my past. because i want to believe that my past should be a beautiful thing. this is a believe
system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believes about how and what i should be. and how my past should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shameful because i don't' have a great past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be revengeful because wrongs were done unto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self judgemental because i believe them to be right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as bullshit belief systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to conform myself to bullshit believe systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to comply with bullshit believe systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that correction of the past means, i must correct my present here. as i live here as my breath i self correct me and my past. all is corrected within me, as i live here as the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that self correction here in this very breath, is the way to correct the past.

I remain here as the breath. I remain here as my human physical body.

No more past. Till here no further, I no longer need my past, I no longer need to exist within the past and future. i am here as breath of life.

I breathe.

What can 1000 Destonians do ?

I am here, today is Jan 27th Thursday, my daily blogging continues.

Can I/we change this world ?

Yes indeed. There is no doubt about it, however, it requires a sustain efforts and dedication to educate many humans about what Equal Life is all about.

To start with, my self commitment to my process is the key to change this world. If i fail, i cannot expect this world to change, as i am the agent of change. I cannot fall, as my fall is not just about my fall anymore, with it the world change itself may be on hold. Hence, my commitment to my process is paramount.

As above so below, as inner so is outter, meaning as my process is ongoing, i cannot wait till i hit the holy grail to start changing the world, no that would be simply pay back to the world, not one and equal. The kind of change, desteni speaks of is, twin change, but at the same time, its one and the same. Equal and One.

I change, the world changes with me. my world changes with me.

Yes, there are practical and sustainable efforts are required both for self and for the world at large. For myself, daily blogging, daily vlogging, daily self forgiveness, and self honesty is the way.

As for the world change, spreading the blogs, vlogs, the message of equality with all is the key for next 10 years or so. The internet and online world is getting crowed everyday, millions and millions are online, so its a perfect place for message of equality to be shared with. So, things like sub4sub, blogs, vlogs, tags, in increasing numbers will make the difference.

Currently, about 100 or so destonians are going full speed at this, both changing themselves and the world concurrently. equal and one. This number must grow from 100 to 1000 very soon, i mean within the next 2-3, for this, a dedicated sharing of desteni message will be needed. The desteni-i-process is key in bringing many new faces.

With 1000 or more destonians, powerful winds of change will blow across our world systems, it will be a time like no other,  The collective noise of the 1000 destonians will be heard everywhere, hence many will get a chance to join this process, and yes many will confront, but that is no issue.

In time, with the principle of one man for one vote, the Equal Life Party will enter the political process of the world. A dominant force of change will open the eyes of many, will open the ears of many, to hear the message of equality of all life. Votes will start to come in, one by one, Equal Life Party as a mainstream choice for real change, will establish itself in every country, and then in time, will rewrite the laws of every country to bring a practical heaven earth.

Children who will be born into the Equal Money System, and Equal Labor Systems, will be shocked to study about our struggles today. In the antics of digital archives, some of our blogs may survive to tell about times of fear, anxiety, anger, hate, worry, competition, economy, capitalism, money, and all other evils of our times today.

A heaven on earth is indeed possible, yes it is practical, pragmatic, and sustainable. So I am one vote for world equality.

One by one, we will soon become 1000 destonians, we will be very noisy.

Secrets from my Secret Mind

I am here, today is Jan 26 2011. My daily blogging continues.

As I sit down write, i don't' come with a preconceived subject in mind, i simply sit and get down to writing. Few simple rules I follow, here writing is about deconstruction of the bullshit that i have accepted and allowed within myself and my world.  Telling stories about others is not my game plan here. Of course, at times i will have to call a spade a spade. But before i pick on others, it is wise to reveal my secrets, my secret mind. I have a huge secret mind, meaning, i carry tons of thoughts and judgements about many humans, all rooted in my own self interest and self fears. i mean do i ever really care or love anyone? the more i investigate, the more uglier my truth becomes. perhaps this is why people like to avoid self introspection. talking about other people is fun, painless, and juicy of course.

Tonight, i went out for dinner by myself, at times i like to just hang out alone, having a meal etc. Now it seems humble enough, wanting to hang out by myself and enjoy a meal alone. But if i really investigate, it comes down to money, three of us going out to an indian restaurant can easily cost 40-50$, so to avoid such a bill for an uneventful night, i simply went alone to keep the bill to 15$ or less. So money is the reason why i went out alone tonight. Another reason i had was, only i like to enjoy spicy indian food, neither my wife nor my step-son like to enjoy spicy food. So layers upon layers of lying to myself and others, all to keep self interest going, in this case, i just didn't want to spend fifty bucks on dinner tonight. a simple example of my secret mind, how i exist as secret mind in trying to hide my inner reality from others, and in this, i deceive myself and others. how can i expect real intimacy with another when i am actually using the good old trick of lying to get my way. true, i had many reasons why i went to this specific indian restaurant, but what i disclosed was just a cover up. 'oh i feel like having some spicy food tonight', in that clearly, i closed all other doors, meaning now i can only go alone, which is what i wanted in the first, The truth about money, i never disclosed. This is how i live in a lie, always wanting to protect my own self interest first. Of course, i have justified my decision very nicely and it sound good too, but only i know real the facts. Nobody knows my secret mind.  

Relationships are filled with lies. It is a great risk to lie within a relationship, but then again, to lie is a great risk to living itself. i mean, self-dishonesty has no place whatsoever.

So, tonight, i am glad i caught myself cheating to myself. I am glad i caught myself lying. I am glad i caught my bullshit before i do something really stupid. for many stupid things, there are no turning points. tonight, i will probably get away with it, but the pattern will show up again, whenever money is the matter at hand. many times, i held back spending, i just find it so difficult to spend for the family that i have claimed to be mine. god help me.

of course there is no fucking god to help me. i have to really see the principle of oneness and equality, and really investigate the equality equation, i have a made a commitment to walk with my wife and her son, in this i promised to support and assist. its a shame, tonight i lied to save a meal's bill at a restaurant. i simply didn't' want to pay for 2 extra people tonight. i just went alone. And it so happened the meal was horribly disgusting, too oily and i didn't enjoy it at all. this is the second time i went to that specific place. its a family business, i enjoy chatting with the owner and his family there.

WTF, my words, my commitments, all good on paper, and when it comes to money, i am not the one to share easily.

So this is a good example of how i exist as my secret mind. i mean the more i dig, the more shit will come surface, and many of them are money related.

This is another big reason why i support equal money system, i mean, at least, money will never ever be a thing among couples. love will never be touched by money, love will never be influenced by money. At last, with equal money system, two equal beings, who are equal with the power of money, can talk about love, without ever tinting anything with the bloody color of money. at least, my lies about money will end. For this, i am certainly one vote for equal money system, let there be true and real love.

No more secret mind, it is now out in the open for all see, what sort of a fucker that i am. And my more shit from the deep chambers of my secret will be in revealed in time. stay tune. Nothing is more juicer than secret minds.

A note to myself: I have to really investigate this shit i have been living for sometime now. am i real here, is my love real, is my commitment real, am i willing to support and assist ? or am i faking everything just for the good times. certainly time will tell. but time has come for me undo my secret mind, and 'do unto others as i would like done unto me'. that is the simple principle of any agreement.

You give what you like to receive.

Hell is One Breath Away

Since around 3pm today, i have been feeling kind of low and down. Meaning, a slight version of depression, and self pity has taken me over. This energy possession is nothing unusual to me, its a very familiar takeover that happens every now and then, I have no idea why. When I enter this state of mind, its only a matter of minutes before I pick on something with someone. In the past, it was mostly my parents or brothers, I will never hesitate to lash out at them, for any trivial thing, it doesn't matter, once I enter "that energetic mode", all bets are off, fasten your seat belts, hell is just one breath away. It could happen anytime.

Living with my wife, things are bit different, i cannot just lash out, she is a tough gal, will not put up with my mode swings. I never had any live-together love-relationships before, so this is the first time I am actually living with a woman, ever since I left my parent's home back in 1989 i always either lived alone or had male roommates. In terms of lovers, I never entered any living together agreements. It was just easy to have my own place and visit the girl friend every now and then. I mean why take all that trouble of living together. I am now married for 2 years, out that only about last 6 months period I am actually living together. So i am rather inexperienced when it comes to cohabitation. Most of our wars get trigged when I enter "that energetic mode", as I become so needy and demanding her attention, naturally it turns her off big time. The principle of what you resist persist, I experience first hand. The more I demand her attention, guess what, less I get, then i get even more nasty. When I am all in a normal mode, there is hardly any problems.

I struggled with "that energetic mode' for all my life, ever since i was child. I cannot describe what it is, it just takes over me, an energetic, emotional moody body, as if I am possessed, a compete take over. Only after inflicting a good doze of nasty words and pain to others, does "that" state cools itself down a bit. The more i pound better I feel. I become normal and gentle, i offer many words of apologies and sweet offers to make things up. I am out of words to describe "that" state, so let me borrow a new age term called "painbody", meaning, old emotional shit, which gets activated, a complete takeover happens. Resonant possession, a demonic possession.

So, today, i went through this all too familiar drama, thank god, nothing dramatic happened, i just obnoxiously raised my voice, sort of a mean nasty way, but held my words back, didn't voice them. I mean i have no idea how or what is this shitty emotional takeover that happens to me. Since desteni, i have become much "tolerable", meaning i am less mean and less nasty. I just wish someday this bloody moody takeover will stop. i mean WTF, its so tiring and lonely to crush people so often.

Strangely enough, this very 'problem' made me very isolated person hence I became a seeker, always looking for some solution to assist me, of course most of the time i landed with this spiritual group or that, but "that" core problem never end or decreased. Only with desteni, i have the tools, and significant progress i have made in taming this emotional painbody beast within me.

End of the day, I realize whatever i experience, i am self responsible for. Simply because, had i stayed continuously and constantly within my breath, i could over come the power of "that". But obviously, i give into my mind, which takes me for ride to 'fuckup' town. so the solution is amazingly simply, stay within the breath through any storm, and when i miss that simple principle, of course, hell is just one breath away.

Will I ever change? will i ever stop this emotional bullshit painbody within me? of course, i cannot just "stop" it, as it has its own momentum of 42 years of build up. But i have the most amazing power and responsibility to stay within the breath, for which there is no excuse.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that i am helpless when I am taken over by that state of mind.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that i must go thru "that" every now and then, simply because it is something i am so familiar with.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to give in to my mind.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i am addicted to regenerating my mind's ego. i love my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love my ego. therefore i love to feed it with mind energy. in the forms of fight and debates and accusations.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love blaming because in blaming i feed my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to get an energetic feed session in the form of spiteful anger and hate.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to be angry.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to demand attention from others, otherwise i will be nasty. i love to be nasty.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that i love to be nasty.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i love to be mean.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i love to blame others.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in blaming i avoid my self responsibility.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing me so instead i am always looking to pound at others.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to define me as a moody person.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am condemn to a life time of moodiness. not realising within one single breath i can be free myself from this madness.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to like to be ,mad and angry. its so easy to live such life. living as breath is tough.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to define living as breath as tough. therefore i have already given me the permission to live as the mind. so naturally i have already accepted and allowed myself to be my mind and ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to have a fight because in that i feed my mind and its ego.

i am here. breath is my solution. in every breath i am here as the physical.

there is no other solution, i am here as breath. EVERY breath, i must be here, not just few breath now and some breaths later. no. that is not acceptable.

Because, for me, hell is just one breath away. So it matters absolutely that I live as my breath here in the physical in every breath. Otherwise my wife will show me what i have accepted and allowed, she will not put with my moodiness, Self responsibility for every breath is the point i am facing.

There are no excuses, every breath I must be here.

Why must you deserve a happy good life?

I am here, Today is Jan 20th 2011, my daily blogging continues.

It is fascinating to watch how people leave their work places at the end of the day, during the so called evening rush hour. As if they are been released from jail or something. As I observe, these rush hour people heading to their homes, I notice they carry a certain sense of achievement within them. As if they deserve to go home, now that they have given a day's worth of work for the company, so now they can go home.

Another point I observe is these workers carry a sense of importance, yes, I am an accomplished person today. Within that, a justification, a reward, I deserve a fat pay check, a pretty house, etc etc. Its all about me, so end of the day, I go home feeling that indeed I deserve all the nice things in the world, and why not, I just finished a day's work, giving myself to the capitalist corporations my blood, sweat and tears, so I deserve all the nice things I can possibly buy.

But during the whole day, I will never mention that the only reason i am here to work, is just to get a pay check, that money, so that I can survive, yes I will never talk about that. It is the real hidden purpose of my employment, to survive. Yet at work, I will make it sound like as if I am here because I care about the objective, tactical goals of the company, both short term and long term. I mean, i pretend like my purpose in life is to care for the company's profit ambitions, so I meekly align myself with the corporate goals, of course, otherwise consequences are severe, even homelessness could result. Don't mess with the capitalists or with their systems.

More than the capitalists, it is the workers, it is me, who keeps the system going, as their utter surrender and meek alignment so that i can make my money. Of course, I have to maintain my pretty house, all the beautiful gadgets, fancy life styles, it must all be paid, so the job is the key thing, it provides the money. Within the work environments, this so obvious point of money is never openly discussed, I pretend like I am here to glorify and serve the mighty executive goals of the corporations. There is a subtle submission and dishonest loyalty. I am here to make money, not because I love or I am loyal to the company, anyone who says that is a total liar. I mean WTF.

What a deceptive life indeed, but the sad part is, I have no choice, as I need that money to survive.

So, can we continue like this for another 1000 or 2000 years with capitalists ruling the planet sucking it dry and demolished all to just make a profit ?

Obviously, we all know, this system of supply and demand, profit and loss cannot continue. Time for a change, a profound change.

Equal Life Party is the solution. So I am one vote for Equal Money and Equal Labor, and I am one for Equal Life Party. No more deceptions, no more dishonest loyalties, no more profit ambitions, no sucking up just to survive, no more justifications to have a home, no more justifications to live.

Simply being a human is all the reason to deserve a happy good life, any other reason or justification is manipulative and dishonest.

Status Meetings

I am here. Today is Monday Jan 17th 2011, my daily blogging continues.

I attended a weekly status meeting today, with 20 other co workers. Very fascinating experience, what happens and what really goes on within in the board rooms of capitalistic building blocks. Yes boardrooms are the building blocks of capitalism, where decisions are made and executed. Profits are promised, people are hired and fired, within all that the element of care is never considered.

But who is really this capitalist? Anyone who participate in this money system is a capitalist. so naturally, i am a capitalist, in fact everyone in this world is actually a capitalist. nobody can escape capitalism. Within the meeting rooms, we simply get to see an inner point of view of capitalism.

As the status meeting got started, i can feel a strong sense of fear got into me. As i have not made much progress in the last past week, so i was apprehensive about facing the meeting. i was sitting about half way around the circle of workers. I couldn't accomplish much in the previous week, yes i had some logistic challengers, some technical difficulties etc. But more than that, i gave into fears of not been able finish the job. I entertain thoughts of not finishing the assignment, i perceived myself giving up on the job. And they do compound, each such thought of giving up compounds. My compounding moment was in the meeting, when my turn came up, i was overtaken by energy of self-doubt and self-fears. I can hear myself giving bullshit excuses one after another, as to why my progress is still lacking etc.

Granted, i could have simply focused on my job, made a list of things to achieve, and get it done one by one. I mean, had i remained here as the living breath, here, i could have accomplished much within the last week. I had lost the breath many times, found it difficult focusing on my breathing, so naturally couldn't pay much attention to work details, hence, i didn't have much progress to show. so an immediate consequence was, i was made the 'owner' meaning, i was given full responsibility for the feature i am working on. so any questions, concern from anyone within the organization will be directed towards me. wow, that is a big role. now i have to really take charge, and take ownership of the assignment, and deliver it. Be accountable and responsible for the work i am hired to do. I tend to just like writing the software but not so responsible for making it available for the eventual users of it. i leave it once the design and development is done. meaning, i leave it half baked. i just do the fun part, and leave the not so fun part to others, or i simply don't bother about it, until a consequence is forced upon me.

So as each one present his/her status, you get to see the real solders of capitalism at work. each is trying to survive, pay their rent, mortgages, car payments, so for all those bills, we simply totally give into the demands of capitalistic culture. But do we have a choice ? None whatsoever. Either die or surrender to work culture, to capitalistic culture. Status meetings are fun sites to see how humans are really a bunch of slaves to this economic model we have.

while my self-application is improving thanks to the demands of work. there is no other way, i have to learn to live breath by breath and apply myself to whatever i do. be at work or home, i live as breath by breath. so self application is important everywhere. so thanks to the lovely capitalistic culture, i get to self apply all the desteni tool even more vigorously. i have no choice.

Then, i imagine how it would be to work without ever having to worry about been fired, or lacking money etc. The driving current is money, as fear of poverty, fear of not having money, is what really driving us humans. At team meetings, this fear shows up really nicely. As capitalists keep pushing on us workers, we just do it all for the money.

Money is the god, who decide who will live and who will die. The energetic possession i felt at work today was really due to the hidden fears of losing my income. i mean, wtf, do i really care of employment? i love to write software, but i sure don't need the stress of deadlines and whatnot. But i have no choice, i need the money to live, so i have to find the most effective way to get the job done. Again, self application of breath as living here, in the physical is the key. Live here as the breath, focus here, not in the thoughts, just here as the breath, will get any job done. I need to survive within this money system.

At status meetings, i am getting closer and closer to Equal Money System, and Equal Labor System, as i am convinced without a single doubt, how mad and crazy is the capitalistic work cultures and their systems are. I mean, this mad race is only creating stress to the point of death and destruction. I am unconditionally a one vote for equal pay, equal money and equal labor, Yes, i need to learn to be more responsible at work, capitalism is no excuse not to finish an assignment on time. Capitalist or not, i must work/live within breath by breath to finish what is at hand. No excuses there.

But this fucking capitalism and its curse must end. the fear of not getting a job done must end, let work be a self expression, let plannings and deadlines be common sense and practical, not life sucking mindless lines where life and death is decided by money. Yes, deadlines are need to finished things on time, but how deadly should the deadline be? for the capitalistic system, deadline means, you die while the rich live sucking your blood. very funny.

So, my focus must improve, living within the breath must improve, my self application of breath must improve, more and more, i must just live here, as i improve in self discipline. so that i will be here, not inside my head. thanks to the demands of capitalism, i am forced to become self disciple, to be here in the physical/breath more and more.

There is no doubt, capitalism must end, the curse of capitalism must end. Status meetings should be where we simply discuss how to accomplish something, how to finish something, how to find creative solutions, etc etc, Status meetings are not session for the human body to experience intense tension and stress, due to fear of losing that income. the fucking pay check. of course, who will i be without an income in this reality? a dead man walking in fact. As there are no systems to care, to support anyone.

Equal Money will sort that out. Equal money, Equal Labor will make 'working' an awesome experience, as it would be self expression. I for one, will love writing code, without the fear of losing it all. I know I will benefit from Equal Money. My entire approach to work will change.

Within Equal Labor and Equal Money Systems, I will enjoy status meetings at work.

Dealing with Jealousy

I am here. This one life, how am I living it is the question. Just existing as a robot programmed by society, fears, and media are bullshit. I cannot live as a robot. Obviously I am living as a robot, continuously giving into fears.

At the moment, one of the major patterns I give into is reacting when my wife speaks to other males. In other words, I go into jealousy as I see her communicate with other males. Obviously this reaction of mine is not fukcing cool, I mean WTF. Am I trying to control her life, how she live, how she talks, who she talks to etc. Goes without saying, I am living with a 200 years ago male’s mentality. I am basically telling her, listen: don’t talk to any other males, because I am the only one you should ever communicate, because obviously you are my property, i.e. my wife. So either obey my rule or leave. Either don’t’ make me jealous or just leave.

Strange. It is a shame with all the self-corrective tools and self-understandings, I am still living like a man from the 18th century, when it comes to possession of love. WTF. In this I am really sort of choking her ways of living, I am imprisoning her by denying her to have any male friends as she would like to. It is entirely up to her, whom she wants to communicate, and how she wants communicate etc. Of course, in her friendships with other males, if she indeed develop something more than a friendship then, obviously things will move on, a new direction for all of us. I mean, she is not going to live in a triangle, she will simply move on. So why the fuck do I unnecessarily entertain thoughts of suspicions and doubts about her as she communicates with other males? I am becoming a control freak, rather I have always been this control freak in relationships, always want to own the woman I am ‘in love’ with, not realizing in that I actually will end up killing the very love and the relationship. Because who wants to be with a male dominating control freak, packed with jealousy and possessiveness?

So this is a major drama going on in my life lately, I mean on/off this pattern shows up. I am never relaxed while I see her in communication with other males. This pattern of mine must be deleted, or else condemn myself to life long isolation and loneliness.
So how can I over this bullshit for once and for all? Certainly I must correct this bullhist otherwise it will haunt my whole life. Obviously first step is breath. Be the living breath here. Live as breath, because jealousy cannot exist within the breath, the pattern of jealousy cannot exist while I am here as breath. Mind is needed for jealousy to exist. Thoughts are needed for jealousy to exist. MCS is needed for jealousy to exist. Me here as the physical as the breath cannot possibly exist in and as jealousy. In fact breath is the only way to counter any mind pattern.

Breath is the boat to sail over any storm.

So clearly my commitment is first to live as breath, no matter what. As Bernard said many times, stay within the breath no matter what. I cannot control the self trust of another, I cannot control the self honesty of another. I cannot control the life principles of another. She talks, she talks, she goes, she goes. I am here as breath. It is her direction to decide ‘who she is’ within her reality. My question is, who am I and what will I accept and allow? Always, self first. I am the first point of correction, I am the first point of self-trust and self-honesty to focus on. Am I am trustworthy ? am I self honest ? can I be trusted with life, are the question I must answer ?
I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to exist as thoughts feelings and emotions of jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts and feelings and then believe my jealousy to be real.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind when it says that I have all the reasons to be jealous.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to mistrust others and use that as a cover up to cover my own self mistrust.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to hide myself behinds another’s perceived manners of speak.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I own my wife and that she cannot talk to any other males.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to possess my wife as if she is my property.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to be so possessive.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to find all the right justifications to prove that my restrictions are valid. That I have the right to place restrictions for her.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that I can tell her not have male friends in her reality.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have and like females as my friends.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the females friends I have and yet deny my wife any male friends.

Clearly I am fearing my own bullshit. I am fearing my own self-deceit. I am living as a belief system for the sake of self interest and desire. WTF.
So the corrective solution is live as breath and not as any concepts. Never giving to the mind, no matter what. Never give up the breath, no matter what. I am here.
Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to follow thoughts of jealousy within me.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself  to doubt others, Instead I focus on me.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to worry what another is doing behind my back, rather, I focus on my own self-honesty.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to worry about another trustworthiness, rather, I develop my own self-trust. I become trustworthy.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to be concerned about another mannerisms, rather, I focus on my own life principles. It is what I do, that matters.

It is what I stand for that matters.

It is my own self trust that matters.

I am here as breath. Every breath in fact.