As I sit down write, i don't' come with a preconceived subject in mind, i simply sit and get down to writing. Few simple rules I follow, here writing is about deconstruction of the bullshit that i have accepted and allowed within myself and my world. Telling stories about others is not my game plan here. Of course, at times i will have to call a spade a spade. But before i pick on others, it is wise to reveal my secrets, my secret mind. I have a huge secret mind, meaning, i carry tons of thoughts and judgements about many humans, all rooted in my own self interest and self fears. i mean do i ever really care or love anyone? the more i investigate, the more uglier my truth becomes. perhaps this is why people like to avoid self introspection. talking about other people is fun, painless, and juicy of course.
Tonight, i went out for dinner by myself, at times i like to just hang out alone, having a meal etc. Now it seems humble enough, wanting to hang out by myself and enjoy a meal alone. But if i really investigate, it comes down to money, three of us going out to an indian restaurant can easily cost 40-50$, so to avoid such a bill for an uneventful night, i simply went alone to keep the bill to 15$ or less. So money is the reason why i went out alone tonight. Another reason i had was, only i like to enjoy spicy indian food, neither my wife nor my step-son like to enjoy spicy food. So layers upon layers of lying to myself and others, all to keep self interest going, in this case, i just didn't want to spend fifty bucks on dinner tonight. a simple example of my secret mind, how i exist as secret mind in trying to hide my inner reality from others, and in this, i deceive myself and others. how can i expect real intimacy with another when i am actually using the good old trick of lying to get my way. true, i had many reasons why i went to this specific indian restaurant, but what i disclosed was just a cover up. 'oh i feel like having some spicy food tonight', in that clearly, i closed all other doors, meaning now i can only go alone, which is what i wanted in the first, The truth about money, i never disclosed. This is how i live in a lie, always wanting to protect my own self interest first. Of course, i have justified my decision very nicely and it sound good too, but only i know real the facts. Nobody knows my secret mind.
Relationships are filled with lies. It is a great risk to lie within a relationship, but then again, to lie is a great risk to living itself. i mean, self-dishonesty has no place whatsoever.
So, tonight, i am glad i caught myself cheating to myself. I am glad i caught myself lying. I am glad i caught my bullshit before i do something really stupid. for many stupid things, there are no turning points. tonight, i will probably get away with it, but the pattern will show up again, whenever money is the matter at hand. many times, i held back spending, i just find it so difficult to spend for the family that i have claimed to be mine. god help me.
of course there is no fucking god to help me. i have to really see the principle of oneness and equality, and really investigate the equality equation, i have a made a commitment to walk with my wife and her son, in this i promised to support and assist. its a shame, tonight i lied to save a meal's bill at a restaurant. i simply didn't' want to pay for 2 extra people tonight. i just went alone. And it so happened the meal was horribly disgusting, too oily and i didn't enjoy it at all. this is the second time i went to that specific place. its a family business, i enjoy chatting with the owner and his family there.
WTF, my words, my commitments, all good on paper, and when it comes to money, i am not the one to share easily.
So this is a good example of how i exist as my secret mind. i mean the more i dig, the more shit will come surface, and many of them are money related.
This is another big reason why i support equal money system, i mean, at least, money will never ever be a thing among couples. love will never be touched by money, love will never be influenced by money. At last, with equal money system, two equal beings, who are equal with the power of money, can talk about love, without ever tinting anything with the bloody color of money. at least, my lies about money will end. For this, i am certainly one vote for equal money system, let there be true and real love.
No more secret mind, it is now out in the open for all see, what sort of a fucker that i am. And my more shit from the deep chambers of my secret will be in revealed in time. stay tune. Nothing is more juicer than secret minds.
A note to myself: I have to really investigate this shit i have been living for sometime now. am i real here, is my love real, is my commitment real, am i willing to support and assist ? or am i faking everything just for the good times. certainly time will tell. but time has come for me undo my secret mind, and 'do unto others as i would like done unto me'. that is the simple principle of any agreement.
You give what you like to receive.
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