Don't waste a single breath.

missed few a days of self-writing i can already feel the urge postpone writing. its fascinating, you missed one day, then it compounds. today the excuse i am coming up is that i don't have anything to say, what non sense. there is always something to write about.

life is build one breath at a time. so every breath what i do really matters, it compounds and builds momentum for the next moment, for the next breath. running away or escaping doesn't do anything, i still have to come back to me, all must to return to self. here in this very breath where magic happens. have to be really careful about momentum of mind things, as mind will keep the continuity of itself going. that is why i get possessed about some thought all day. a single thought could run in my mind all day. wow. that is a lot life-energy to waste by just thinking all day.

always return to this breath, and in this breath just do one this, not 2 things. doing just one thing in one breath accumulates. and in one fine breath death arrives. all the bullshit stops. but whatever i accumulated may continue if it is life supporting. if in every breath i worried about how to make money etc, i don't' see how that can accumulate into afterlife. frankly i don't know what will accumulate into afterlife, but i do know what i do in this breath accumulates. so better be of some value, better be of life supporting. standing for equality is real when i stand in each breath. i cannot slack some breaths and stand up for life in some other breaths. its a full time dedication and occupation.

i am going to die anyways, it is so sure!!! yet i waste my breaths in mundane shits. i mean i am really not ready to face my death in the next breath, b'c i am too occupied by other useless things. oh well, i suppose its a balance. we still need to live in this world, need to work, need to do things, attend to all the practical day to day things. i suppose standing for equality really means not accepting and allowing any mind bullshit in every breath. stand clear here as physical.

daily self writing, daily commitment to spread the message of equality through youtube etc. i mean daily contribution is vital. i have to write a plan how my day will go, not just wander about things. make a plan, so that every breath is accounted for and LIVED.

i one day i will die, what will i leave behind? what of significance and value will i leave behind ? fuck all the bullshit will end for sure. wasting a life is real cause for regret. i mean even wasting one breath is pretty serious stuff. those in the dimensions will tell you how vital is to live each breath. then fuck i dont do it. i waste so much. this cannot continue. each breath must matter. each breath i must be effective and stand up for life, for equality. lets bring world equality by living each for equality. no waste whatsoever. then death is no issue.

When a breath is wasted, a whole life can be wasted.

this is my last chance.

Calm after 'Cuming'

i am here. i am general known as a needy person within my relationships before and now, meaning always wanting attention and touchy stuff. but here is the strange thing, right after ejaculation, i am just the opposite meaning, i seek no attention or touchy stuff, in fact i become 'leave me alone' type. so it goes to show, just a release, an orgasm, is all i am seeking in that apparent 'give me attention' mode. looking to boost my MCS either thru other's energy or thru an ejaculation point. i am very much here within me as self physically, soon after 'cuming' not seeking anyone's attention nor touch. wow. that's is a real Mind fuck.

so all that drama i do get attention is related to boosting my MCS. i mean how would i otherwise explain the state of calmness i feel right after 'cuming', as if i am in heaven no need for anybody's attention or affection. gosh i wish i was this clam all thru day. its a relief to be cool with self, with self presence physically. all that craving and wanting for attention from others is just fucking draining to say the least. god. i am here breathing as me, myself physically.

Cold snake

now millions of dead fishes found on some marina in USA. whats going on? first it was the bats were disappearing in NY, then millions of birds fell of the blue skies, and now the fishes are dying in mass numbers. Dooms day ? nay.

it is surely a time to wake up from the slumber of bullshit.

now what is that mean to me? i have to bring everything to self, to me, i have been a bit of a preacher in self writing. i like to preach like to tell other people how to live their lives. so in that i can avoid looking at me. preaching is a sure sign of self avoidance. so no more. let me look at me.

well a lot going on in my life these days. i am becoming very mean and nasty in anger these days. other day in an argument with my wife i called as 'cold snake'. not coo at all. just because she refuses to pay attention to me i have no right to call her such things out of anger. i cannot justify in any means to call any human such nasty words. 'cold snake'. no i am very sorry i said such, but henceforth, i will contain myself, i will never allow myself to be nasty and mean towards others. i will simply push myself to breath and remain here. yes, i can leave if things are not going as we would like to , but it gives me no right nor pleasure to call anyone such terrible names. would i like her to call me as a cold snake ?

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be nasty and mean justifying that it was my anger made me speak such.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be nasty and mean in my words towards others.
i stop the madness. i am here.

Avoiding self-forgiveness is nasty to self.

i haven't done any self forgiveness for a week or so now. Much resistance. this is not cool. no matter what self forgiveness must be written or spoken. i mean the core of this process is self forgiveness, the rest follows. for a week or more now, i am not directing myself to do any self forgiveness, i have listened to a lot of videos by Bernard, but not much self forgiveness. this is compounding i can see. its allowing me go into the mind, be nasty etc, to construct mind hell etc. however i continue with daily blogging which is cool, but neglecting SF is not cool. so here i direct myself to self forgive me. i have been a nasty fucker lately.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself by avoiding self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to neglecting me and go into the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live within the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoid self forgiving me b'c then i can go and exist in the mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want listen to my mind and make
hell for everyone.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and think and think.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my feelings.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stop my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to myself rather exist
within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow thoughts emotions and
feelings to drive me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as desires and fears.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as neediness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as neediness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as want and needs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to crave for sex.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire and crave for sex.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always put sex first.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the desires of the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the emotional patterns within the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into thinking its emotions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoiding forgiving me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing SF b'c then i have to live it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable being just the
mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to like been  just the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy been the mind then i have no
responsibility. just think and feel all day.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as robotic zombie in the few day even physically appearing like a emotional mophy kind of a sad dude.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as sadness and depression.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into the mind of sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be spiteful.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to hurt and harm otehrs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to abuse others not realising all shit i give to others is what i am doing to me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to self abuse me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to postpone self forgiveness and
fallback into the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that today i gave into
the mind. listening to the mind is just shitty thing to do. b'c the mind will never give up, it will try to destroy. but i must stand up. i must walk . i must stop the patterns.

i am here.

Krishna is not the answer - Prabupadha (via the portal)

i was a cult follower of hare krishna, chanting singing and dancing to their music and believe systems. yet for 2-3 years no one could have ever convinced me that i was blinded by a cult. i submitted to religious music, chanting, food and cultural vibes to feel belonged. now i see, it was all about wanting to be belonged and accepted by some group. to feel some kind of a belonging. yet within the group there was so much animosity and spitefulness towards each other, so much group-isms within the groups. Gurus were like little gang leaders, with each got their own followings. its sad there people really looking for something yet end up in believing bullshit religious thoughts and followings. i went for the romance of indian spiritualism yet ended up finding nothing.

i am glad to see Prabupada coming thru the inter-dimensional portal and speak to us about some real shit. Krishna is not the answer, equality and oneness here is the answer. the physical here is the answer. the mind controlling maha mantra 'hare krishna hare krishna' is not the answer. chanting does nothing. instead, self forgive, become self honest, breath, be here, really, become self introspect, self write to freedom, do vlogging, get the shit out of the chest, and above all make a decision to stand as life make decision to never give into the thoughts/emotions and feelings. god is here as the physical, no need for bullshit religions and gods.

hereby i denounce hare krishna movement and the so-called the god Krishna himself. i denounce every fucking god there is in fact.

here is a link to the portal interview by Prabupadha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8y30zYuHIE

enjoy...

I fear men.

here is another ego crashing self-discovery of mine. i have fear of men. i fear men. i see this pattern while i am in relationships, when single it hibernates. yep it must be fear of men, i fear as if they are trying to 'take away' my woman, so i have learned to fear men.

this is so evident in my life currently. i mean i have gone out of my way to avoid maintaining my friendships with males so that i don't' have to be in a difficult situation with my wife around. generally speaking in the presence of other males, i go into a bit of fear, i guess i fear these other guys may get all the attention and not me. feeling of left out comes to me. i guess if women give more attention to other men and not to me, there will be a problem. i mean i just want to be the hero.

this is obviously a sick mind pattern to live as. this pattern also implies many other patterns. ownership of women, having a gf/wife means i own her. so she becomes 'my woman'. here clearly what i am looking at is other people and who/what they pay attention to.

but what is really my problem? my problem is i live in the mind world of concepts and ideas and definitions. suppose i am here just as the breath of life, no such concepts exist. i speak as needed, i breathe as needed, that's it, so no need to make groups, us vs. them. we are all here, equal and one as life. all i need is to breath here.

fear of men is really fear of myself, my own accepted and allowed bullshit within me, it is what i fear. why should i fear any man, any mighty man ? there must be something in him, that must exist within me. the world always show what is in me. and that is what i fear. may be i fear macho men, because i know i like to be/act as a macho man, so i can catch more women. so there you go, bring everything to self.  everything that i react to shows something about me. being a man i figure i have a divine right to seek sex from any potential woman i meet, it doesn't matter her status, i figure i have the right to try at least. so such hidden self definitions exist within me, so when i see other men, i fear they might have the same bullshit as me, or visa-visa,

so always the question what is that i am accepting and allowing within me? in relation to fear of men, surely, there are tons of self definitions i have allowed that is why i fear men, b'c such bullshit exist within me. time to self forgive and let go of them.

When I die, all my shit will die with me.

obsessed by a series of thoughts, the more i think the more they compound. so have to breath get into the physical, in all this self honesty is vital. otherwise i could be breathing just avoid the real issues here. i cannot avoid anything, breathing is not about avoiding anything, rather, been here, and facing all points here as me. everything is here as myself. i cannot run, i cannot avoid, i cannot escape, i cannot hide, i can't even die, because in the afterlife i will have to face myself.

so what is my point? i have tons of shit i am not facing within me. i am avoiding, clearly i am not willing to discuss them here either. so that is a point of self dishonesty. if this writing is self writing then why am i not discussing my hidden issues here? i feel bit of shame that i still carry shit within me. well that is the whole point, to undo inner shit piece by piece until nothing remains. either that or simply die with full of shit, then vanish anyways.

when i die of course, all my shit dies with me, nothing will be left here. as long as i live i can carry my shit within me, talk about them, hide them, react from them, make a big mountain out of them, all that drama, till i die. then, all is over.

Or in one breath, i can simply remain here, not allowing to be directed by my mind at all, simply be here. the mind will tell all kinds of stories and dramas, whereas the physical has no stories, only the mind got dramas, physical is simply here. the breath is simply here. mind is the breaker of things, the frag-mentor, while the physical is the defragmentor, like the old DOS defrag program, which reassembles fragmented physical memory into nice wholesome piece.

so what does it mean then? simply never allow to go into the mind. at every breath, just be here as the breath, within the principle that all things here are equal and one as life. every being here is equal and one as life. every plant animal here is equal one as life. understanding those principles just be here as the breath of life. i mean, if all here is life, then, why bother 'think' through a plan of defense? if all is life here, then why bother to be self protective ? if all is life here, then why bother to be selfish ?

clearly for the mind, not all things here are life, for the mind only the thoughts and feelings are life. As mind is regenerated with thoughts/emotions/feelings.

god, i want to try this, can i just for a day, live as breath, just for a day, or at least few hours, just as breath, not allowing single thought to be taken over. just for few hours, can i just be the breath of life? can i live as breath of life for just few hours? no thoughts, no thinking, for few hours. i want to prove to myself that i will not die by stopping my mind for few hours.

i am going to try this, just live as breath for few hours, will see how it goes. wonder what will happen to all my shit when i stop the mind/thinking for few hours. for sure, when i die my shit will die with me, so when i stop the mind, my shit will stop with it, until i start thinking again.

lets try that.