Calm after 'Cuming'

i am here. i am general known as a needy person within my relationships before and now, meaning always wanting attention and touchy stuff. but here is the strange thing, right after ejaculation, i am just the opposite meaning, i seek no attention or touchy stuff, in fact i become 'leave me alone' type. so it goes to show, just a release, an orgasm, is all i am seeking in that apparent 'give me attention' mode. looking to boost my MCS either thru other's energy or thru an ejaculation point. i am very much here within me as self physically, soon after 'cuming' not seeking anyone's attention nor touch. wow. that's is a real Mind fuck.

so all that drama i do get attention is related to boosting my MCS. i mean how would i otherwise explain the state of calmness i feel right after 'cuming', as if i am in heaven no need for anybody's attention or affection. gosh i wish i was this clam all thru day. its a relief to be cool with self, with self presence physically. all that craving and wanting for attention from others is just fucking draining to say the least. god. i am here breathing as me, myself physically.

Avoiding self-forgiveness is nasty to self.

i haven't done any self forgiveness for a week or so now. Much resistance. this is not cool. no matter what self forgiveness must be written or spoken. i mean the core of this process is self forgiveness, the rest follows. for a week or more now, i am not directing myself to do any self forgiveness, i have listened to a lot of videos by Bernard, but not much self forgiveness. this is compounding i can see. its allowing me go into the mind, be nasty etc, to construct mind hell etc. however i continue with daily blogging which is cool, but neglecting SF is not cool. so here i direct myself to self forgive me. i have been a nasty fucker lately.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself by avoiding self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to neglecting me and go into the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live within the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoid self forgiving me b'c then i can go and exist in the mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want listen to my mind and make
hell for everyone.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and think and think.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my feelings.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stop my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to myself rather exist
within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow thoughts emotions and
feelings to drive me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as desires and fears.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as desires.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as neediness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as neediness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as want and needs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to crave for sex.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire and crave for sex.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always put sex first.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the desires of the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the emotional patterns within the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into thinking its emotions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to avoiding forgiving me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing SF b'c then i have to live it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable being just the
mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to like been  just the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy been the mind then i have no
responsibility. just think and feel all day.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as robotic zombie in the few day even physically appearing like a emotional mophy kind of a sad dude.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live as sadness and depression.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into the mind of sadness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be spiteful.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to hurt and harm otehrs.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to abuse others not realising all shit i give to others is what i am doing to me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to self abuse me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to postpone self forgiveness and
fallback into the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that today i gave into
the mind. listening to the mind is just shitty thing to do. b'c the mind will never give up, it will try to destroy. but i must stand up. i must walk . i must stop the patterns.

i am here.