Calm after 'Cuming'

i am here. i am general known as a needy person within my relationships before and now, meaning always wanting attention and touchy stuff. but here is the strange thing, right after ejaculation, i am just the opposite meaning, i seek no attention or touchy stuff, in fact i become 'leave me alone' type. so it goes to show, just a release, an orgasm, is all i am seeking in that apparent 'give me attention' mode. looking to boost my MCS either thru other's energy or thru an ejaculation point. i am very much here within me as self physically, soon after 'cuming' not seeking anyone's attention nor touch. wow. that's is a real Mind fuck.

so all that drama i do get attention is related to boosting my MCS. i mean how would i otherwise explain the state of calmness i feel right after 'cuming', as if i am in heaven no need for anybody's attention or affection. gosh i wish i was this clam all thru day. its a relief to be cool with self, with self presence physically. all that craving and wanting for attention from others is just fucking draining to say the least. god. i am here breathing as me, myself physically.

I fear men.

here is another ego crashing self-discovery of mine. i have fear of men. i fear men. i see this pattern while i am in relationships, when single it hibernates. yep it must be fear of men, i fear as if they are trying to 'take away' my woman, so i have learned to fear men.

this is so evident in my life currently. i mean i have gone out of my way to avoid maintaining my friendships with males so that i don't' have to be in a difficult situation with my wife around. generally speaking in the presence of other males, i go into a bit of fear, i guess i fear these other guys may get all the attention and not me. feeling of left out comes to me. i guess if women give more attention to other men and not to me, there will be a problem. i mean i just want to be the hero.

this is obviously a sick mind pattern to live as. this pattern also implies many other patterns. ownership of women, having a gf/wife means i own her. so she becomes 'my woman'. here clearly what i am looking at is other people and who/what they pay attention to.

but what is really my problem? my problem is i live in the mind world of concepts and ideas and definitions. suppose i am here just as the breath of life, no such concepts exist. i speak as needed, i breathe as needed, that's it, so no need to make groups, us vs. them. we are all here, equal and one as life. all i need is to breath here.

fear of men is really fear of myself, my own accepted and allowed bullshit within me, it is what i fear. why should i fear any man, any mighty man ? there must be something in him, that must exist within me. the world always show what is in me. and that is what i fear. may be i fear macho men, because i know i like to be/act as a macho man, so i can catch more women. so there you go, bring everything to self.  everything that i react to shows something about me. being a man i figure i have a divine right to seek sex from any potential woman i meet, it doesn't matter her status, i figure i have the right to try at least. so such hidden self definitions exist within me, so when i see other men, i fear they might have the same bullshit as me, or visa-visa,

so always the question what is that i am accepting and allowing within me? in relation to fear of men, surely, there are tons of self definitions i have allowed that is why i fear men, b'c such bullshit exist within me. time to self forgive and let go of them.