When I die, all my shit will die with me.

obsessed by a series of thoughts, the more i think the more they compound. so have to breath get into the physical, in all this self honesty is vital. otherwise i could be breathing just avoid the real issues here. i cannot avoid anything, breathing is not about avoiding anything, rather, been here, and facing all points here as me. everything is here as myself. i cannot run, i cannot avoid, i cannot escape, i cannot hide, i can't even die, because in the afterlife i will have to face myself.

so what is my point? i have tons of shit i am not facing within me. i am avoiding, clearly i am not willing to discuss them here either. so that is a point of self dishonesty. if this writing is self writing then why am i not discussing my hidden issues here? i feel bit of shame that i still carry shit within me. well that is the whole point, to undo inner shit piece by piece until nothing remains. either that or simply die with full of shit, then vanish anyways.

when i die of course, all my shit dies with me, nothing will be left here. as long as i live i can carry my shit within me, talk about them, hide them, react from them, make a big mountain out of them, all that drama, till i die. then, all is over.

Or in one breath, i can simply remain here, not allowing to be directed by my mind at all, simply be here. the mind will tell all kinds of stories and dramas, whereas the physical has no stories, only the mind got dramas, physical is simply here. the breath is simply here. mind is the breaker of things, the frag-mentor, while the physical is the defragmentor, like the old DOS defrag program, which reassembles fragmented physical memory into nice wholesome piece.

so what does it mean then? simply never allow to go into the mind. at every breath, just be here as the breath, within the principle that all things here are equal and one as life. every being here is equal and one as life. every plant animal here is equal one as life. understanding those principles just be here as the breath of life. i mean, if all here is life, then, why bother 'think' through a plan of defense? if all is life here, then why bother to be self protective ? if all is life here, then why bother to be selfish ?

clearly for the mind, not all things here are life, for the mind only the thoughts and feelings are life. As mind is regenerated with thoughts/emotions/feelings.

god, i want to try this, can i just for a day, live as breath, just for a day, or at least few hours, just as breath, not allowing single thought to be taken over. just for few hours, can i just be the breath of life? can i live as breath of life for just few hours? no thoughts, no thinking, for few hours. i want to prove to myself that i will not die by stopping my mind for few hours.

i am going to try this, just live as breath for few hours, will see how it goes. wonder what will happen to all my shit when i stop the mind/thinking for few hours. for sure, when i die my shit will die with me, so when i stop the mind, my shit will stop with it, until i start thinking again.

lets try that.

The fact is, I don't want to change myself.

well, so much going on. a mind construct i am working on has been on hold for a while now. so tonight instead of blogging i am going to do that MC. there is perhaps deep seated believe that i cannot really change, so these mind constructs really not going to change me, they may outline as who/what i live myself as, but can they change me? no. so i carry that belief system within me. here i am standing on my own bullshit justifications, i can see i am a changed person compare to my pre-desteni days. so yes change has happened, indeed, so how did that self change i see in me happened? well application of self forgiveness and self honesty and participation in desteni process has been effective, then how could i so adamantly say that mind-construct cannot change me ? i don't know if they can change me or not, but clear fact is i have not done a proper mind construct on my own, always avoiding them. whereas i have done self forgiveness on my own.

so until i do apply a desteni tool as it should be, i cannot really say if it is assisting me or not. here i am blindly avoiding mind constructs. it has been awaiting for me for a long time now.

i can see i have a deep seated believe that i cannot be change, or near impossible to self change me at the very core of me. perhaps that is why i am avoiding MC, or resonant course works.

well just have to do it. i realise that i am fucked very much, but that is no excuse, i also realise that by applying the tools consistently and pushing myself along with the tools, i can self help me. the key is self application. giving into the idea that i cannot be change, is worse form of self pity, its like saying i should be dead, why am i living etc.

i stop here. i walk this process, with tools in hand, i apply me, i push myself to apply the tools. Be it Mind constructs, or resonant course works, or self writing, or self-vlogging, or self forgiveness, i just do them, consistently.

do it regularly, consistently, then self will see the self change,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am unchangeable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am a hopeless case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that doing a mind-construct is useless because its not going to change me anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing Mind Constructs because i inherently believe that i cannot be changed, i am this, and this is it. how could anyone change me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like been an ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the way i am so why bother to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my bullshit existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that i don't' need change, and that i cannot be change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am beyond fixing. i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am so bad that i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have zero self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push people away who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid those who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like people who promote my mind constructs. so i can feel at home with them. no need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  carry a deep seated self belief that i cannot be changed. no matter how amazing desteni tools are, they just cannot change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that how could i ever be like those destonians at the farm, could i change myself to be like them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others so that its justifying not applying desteni tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just like the way i am, so no need to change. b'c i don't' like change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear undoing my bullshit mind-patterns. i would rather be that.

i stop the mind patterns.
i stop fearing change.
i embrace change.
i embrace self change.
i stop the self pity.
I am breath of life.
i stop being the ego
i stop the mind patterns.
i am here as the breath.
i don't' need mind patterns to tell me how to live my life.
i am breath.
i am here as physical.
i am one and equal to all here.
i don't need my mind to tell me how to live.
i am changing.
i am self change.
i change myself.
i will myself to change myself.
i stop fearing to change me so it is best for all.
i am here as breath of life.
i am change.
i change.
i stop fearing mind constructs.

i am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this deep seated belief that i cannot be changed. this is the biggest self fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i don't want to change. i have not allowed myself to change. i holding back change. i am avoiding change. i am not pushing myself to change. its all still a drama, not real change is there, because i have not allowed me to change, yet. i am still falling back to the old style of ways.