The fact is, I don't want to change myself.

well, so much going on. a mind construct i am working on has been on hold for a while now. so tonight instead of blogging i am going to do that MC. there is perhaps deep seated believe that i cannot really change, so these mind constructs really not going to change me, they may outline as who/what i live myself as, but can they change me? no. so i carry that belief system within me. here i am standing on my own bullshit justifications, i can see i am a changed person compare to my pre-desteni days. so yes change has happened, indeed, so how did that self change i see in me happened? well application of self forgiveness and self honesty and participation in desteni process has been effective, then how could i so adamantly say that mind-construct cannot change me ? i don't know if they can change me or not, but clear fact is i have not done a proper mind construct on my own, always avoiding them. whereas i have done self forgiveness on my own.

so until i do apply a desteni tool as it should be, i cannot really say if it is assisting me or not. here i am blindly avoiding mind constructs. it has been awaiting for me for a long time now.

i can see i have a deep seated believe that i cannot be change, or near impossible to self change me at the very core of me. perhaps that is why i am avoiding MC, or resonant course works.

well just have to do it. i realise that i am fucked very much, but that is no excuse, i also realise that by applying the tools consistently and pushing myself along with the tools, i can self help me. the key is self application. giving into the idea that i cannot be change, is worse form of self pity, its like saying i should be dead, why am i living etc.

i stop here. i walk this process, with tools in hand, i apply me, i push myself to apply the tools. Be it Mind constructs, or resonant course works, or self writing, or self-vlogging, or self forgiveness, i just do them, consistently.

do it regularly, consistently, then self will see the self change,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am unchangeable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am a hopeless case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that doing a mind-construct is useless because its not going to change me anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing Mind Constructs because i inherently believe that i cannot be changed, i am this, and this is it. how could anyone change me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like been an ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the way i am so why bother to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my bullshit existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that i don't' need change, and that i cannot be change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am beyond fixing. i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am so bad that i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have zero self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push people away who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid those who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like people who promote my mind constructs. so i can feel at home with them. no need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  carry a deep seated self belief that i cannot be changed. no matter how amazing desteni tools are, they just cannot change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that how could i ever be like those destonians at the farm, could i change myself to be like them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others so that its justifying not applying desteni tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just like the way i am, so no need to change. b'c i don't' like change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear undoing my bullshit mind-patterns. i would rather be that.

i stop the mind patterns.
i stop fearing change.
i embrace change.
i embrace self change.
i stop the self pity.
I am breath of life.
i stop being the ego
i stop the mind patterns.
i am here as the breath.
i don't' need mind patterns to tell me how to live my life.
i am breath.
i am here as physical.
i am one and equal to all here.
i don't need my mind to tell me how to live.
i am changing.
i am self change.
i change myself.
i will myself to change myself.
i stop fearing to change me so it is best for all.
i am here as breath of life.
i am change.
i change.
i stop fearing mind constructs.

i am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this deep seated belief that i cannot be changed. this is the biggest self fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i don't want to change. i have not allowed myself to change. i holding back change. i am avoiding change. i am not pushing myself to change. its all still a drama, not real change is there, because i have not allowed me to change, yet. i am still falling back to the old style of ways.

Must be here every breath.

i am here.

as usual backchatting today, looking to find faults, complaining, though the good news while i was complaining i was able checked it, stop it, it must be stopped at the very start, not near the end of the monologue. all comes to awareness of self every breath, every moment, not just special moments, not just special times, no all the time, every breath, i must observe my breath, and observe my tendencies to go onto verbal bad mouthing, or backchatting for that matter. i mean thinking is speaking silently, isn't it, just b'c nobody hears it doesn't mean, it is not expressed. all thoughts are expressed out into the existence, yes, every one knows what i think. and how i do i know this? i read in desteni site, all and everything exist in me as me, so all my thoughts about others are known to me, therefore known to others. there is no hiding place for thoughts, only just stopping them stops, nothing else will.

so coming back to breath, living by breath, each moment, i am able to cut the back chatting, cut the crap of bad mouthing, gossiping, and whole bunch other vices simply by observing my thoughts and breath. of course, self forgiveness and self honesty is always there as self help tools.

as for me, all through my day, i have to vigilant about my breath, thoughts, and words. easy hide, easy goto war, easy to complaint, easy to blame, easy to kill, easy to destroy, easy to kick, easy to make hell for self and others. the hardest yet the simplest is to be here as breath, every moment just be here.