The fact is, I don't want to change myself.

well, so much going on. a mind construct i am working on has been on hold for a while now. so tonight instead of blogging i am going to do that MC. there is perhaps deep seated believe that i cannot really change, so these mind constructs really not going to change me, they may outline as who/what i live myself as, but can they change me? no. so i carry that belief system within me. here i am standing on my own bullshit justifications, i can see i am a changed person compare to my pre-desteni days. so yes change has happened, indeed, so how did that self change i see in me happened? well application of self forgiveness and self honesty and participation in desteni process has been effective, then how could i so adamantly say that mind-construct cannot change me ? i don't know if they can change me or not, but clear fact is i have not done a proper mind construct on my own, always avoiding them. whereas i have done self forgiveness on my own.

so until i do apply a desteni tool as it should be, i cannot really say if it is assisting me or not. here i am blindly avoiding mind constructs. it has been awaiting for me for a long time now.

i can see i have a deep seated believe that i cannot be change, or near impossible to self change me at the very core of me. perhaps that is why i am avoiding MC, or resonant course works.

well just have to do it. i realise that i am fucked very much, but that is no excuse, i also realise that by applying the tools consistently and pushing myself along with the tools, i can self help me. the key is self application. giving into the idea that i cannot be change, is worse form of self pity, its like saying i should be dead, why am i living etc.

i stop here. i walk this process, with tools in hand, i apply me, i push myself to apply the tools. Be it Mind constructs, or resonant course works, or self writing, or self-vlogging, or self forgiveness, i just do them, consistently.

do it regularly, consistently, then self will see the self change,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am unchangeable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am a hopeless case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that doing a mind-construct is useless because its not going to change me anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing Mind Constructs because i inherently believe that i cannot be changed, i am this, and this is it. how could anyone change me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like been an ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the way i am so why bother to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my bullshit existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that i don't' need change, and that i cannot be change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am beyond fixing. i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am so bad that i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have zero self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push people away who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid those who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like people who promote my mind constructs. so i can feel at home with them. no need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  carry a deep seated self belief that i cannot be changed. no matter how amazing desteni tools are, they just cannot change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that how could i ever be like those destonians at the farm, could i change myself to be like them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others so that its justifying not applying desteni tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just like the way i am, so no need to change. b'c i don't' like change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear undoing my bullshit mind-patterns. i would rather be that.

i stop the mind patterns.
i stop fearing change.
i embrace change.
i embrace self change.
i stop the self pity.
I am breath of life.
i stop being the ego
i stop the mind patterns.
i am here as the breath.
i don't' need mind patterns to tell me how to live my life.
i am breath.
i am here as physical.
i am one and equal to all here.
i don't need my mind to tell me how to live.
i am changing.
i am self change.
i change myself.
i will myself to change myself.
i stop fearing to change me so it is best for all.
i am here as breath of life.
i am change.
i change.
i stop fearing mind constructs.

i am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this deep seated belief that i cannot be changed. this is the biggest self fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i don't want to change. i have not allowed myself to change. i holding back change. i am avoiding change. i am not pushing myself to change. its all still a drama, not real change is there, because i have not allowed me to change, yet. i am still falling back to the old style of ways.

I must face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my feelings not realizing these feelings are results of my thoughts past and present, that I infact created these thoughts and feelings for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so heavy within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to avoid the feeling of heaviness within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want run away from what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from what I experience within me right now. Not realizing I have made this for myself. I have created this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have the simple power and responsibility to stop my thoughts emotions and feelings simply by stopping the thoughts. Instead just being here as breath I allow myself to ‘think’ allow me to follow the thoughts within me into a river of thoughts. In that I get drained in emotions and feelings. I forgive me, I give me to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ran away into happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want escape from what I am feeling now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want avoid my emotions and feelings. Not realizing I cannot avoid them, because it is me right now, I have made this for myself. Here or there, here on earth or in the afterlife, I cannot avoid myself, I have to face myself all of me. So for now, myself includes my thoughts and emotions. I am here as breath of life.

Here or there, in the physical or in death, I must face myself, there is no escape from me. I cannot avoid me, I cannot avoid myself as my thoughts and emotions. They will follow me. Until I stop them.

There is so much shit going on in this world, so much suffering going on in this world, self inflicted and environmentally inflicted, yet I ignore them and only focus on my little thoughts and feelings. I am always trapped in my own mind creations. I have allowed me to think and feel and exist within my thoughts and emotions. I am here. I have a responsibility to stop this mind bullshit within me. I do so by simply being here as the breath. I stop my thoughts and emotions by simply being here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up the thoughts. Because they give me so much comfort and security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop following my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to just be here as the physical as the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depress within me. Not realizing in one breath I can stop it. I am here in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than my thoughts and emotions. I am here equal and one to all of me, everything of me. I am equal and one to all and everything of me. I cannot run from me, I cannot avoid me.
No running from myself. I am here as self responsibility. I am here as self breath. I breathe here. I remain here as breath. Instead of looking for the next rush to get a high, either thru sex or this or that, I remain here as breath. I remain here as my physical.

I realize the sufferings of this world, I mean from so much starvation, murder, rape, torture, poverty, hunger, slavery, sickness, disease, loneliness, isolation, homelessness, gosh, a long long list indeed. Yet all I do is worry about my next high, my next round of sex, or next round of emotional high, how to be happy is my quest. I stop this madness, after all, with death all that is not real will end. Wtf.
I am here. I know all that I am chasing now will end, as none is real. So realizing the world’s mess, I know I understand I have a responsibility to stand up, to speak up against the bullshit that is going on. Speaking up in a constructive way, not just protesting and screaming, rather, speak with and the equal life party and one and equal to it. But I just focus on my thoughts, emotions and feelings, always looking for the next happiness. That is just total selfishness. Yes I have first responsibility for self-care. I have to take care of me, but that doesn’t mean total ignorance of world suffering.
I am here. I stop the depression within me, I stop the sadness within me. I stop the emotional loathing within me, I stop the self pity within me, I stop the nag within me, I stop the anger within me, I stop the doubt within me, I stop the craving within me, I stop the lust within me, I stop the envy within me,  but how exactly will I do all those ? Just simply being here as breath. I am the breath of life. Here as the physical, it is the mind that is fucking everything.
I forgive me. I forgive myself.