When I die, all my shit will die with me.

obsessed by a series of thoughts, the more i think the more they compound. so have to breath get into the physical, in all this self honesty is vital. otherwise i could be breathing just avoid the real issues here. i cannot avoid anything, breathing is not about avoiding anything, rather, been here, and facing all points here as me. everything is here as myself. i cannot run, i cannot avoid, i cannot escape, i cannot hide, i can't even die, because in the afterlife i will have to face myself.

so what is my point? i have tons of shit i am not facing within me. i am avoiding, clearly i am not willing to discuss them here either. so that is a point of self dishonesty. if this writing is self writing then why am i not discussing my hidden issues here? i feel bit of shame that i still carry shit within me. well that is the whole point, to undo inner shit piece by piece until nothing remains. either that or simply die with full of shit, then vanish anyways.

when i die of course, all my shit dies with me, nothing will be left here. as long as i live i can carry my shit within me, talk about them, hide them, react from them, make a big mountain out of them, all that drama, till i die. then, all is over.

Or in one breath, i can simply remain here, not allowing to be directed by my mind at all, simply be here. the mind will tell all kinds of stories and dramas, whereas the physical has no stories, only the mind got dramas, physical is simply here. the breath is simply here. mind is the breaker of things, the frag-mentor, while the physical is the defragmentor, like the old DOS defrag program, which reassembles fragmented physical memory into nice wholesome piece.

so what does it mean then? simply never allow to go into the mind. at every breath, just be here as the breath, within the principle that all things here are equal and one as life. every being here is equal and one as life. every plant animal here is equal one as life. understanding those principles just be here as the breath of life. i mean, if all here is life, then, why bother 'think' through a plan of defense? if all is life here, then why bother to be self protective ? if all is life here, then why bother to be selfish ?

clearly for the mind, not all things here are life, for the mind only the thoughts and feelings are life. As mind is regenerated with thoughts/emotions/feelings.

god, i want to try this, can i just for a day, live as breath, just for a day, or at least few hours, just as breath, not allowing single thought to be taken over. just for few hours, can i just be the breath of life? can i live as breath of life for just few hours? no thoughts, no thinking, for few hours. i want to prove to myself that i will not die by stopping my mind for few hours.

i am going to try this, just live as breath for few hours, will see how it goes. wonder what will happen to all my shit when i stop the mind/thinking for few hours. for sure, when i die my shit will die with me, so when i stop the mind, my shit will stop with it, until i start thinking again.

lets try that.

Freedom after 350 billion years of mind enslavement ?

I am here.

Who am I?

A good question to ask indeed. Let me see how to self define myself as is right now.

I am a blamer, I love to blame, and have been a blamer for a long time now. As if from the time I wake up in the morning, my radar is on to find faults . of course with family members I have done this extensively. I realize that I am responsible for everyone and everything, meaning, even to what other people do/say, I am responsible for . In principle I understand that, blame cannot exist, I cannot blame anyone for anything, as it/he/she exist within me as me, so I am responsible for even what others do.

Individually I have to stop that within me, and perhaps be an example for others to follow. Nobody likes to listens to a preacher, they will follow examples, living examples. Blamers are hated. I have seen that mostly in my dad, how he blames, even when he has a valid point, I find it near impossible to ‘listen’ to him, simply because he is operating in that mode of blaming.

Instead of simply looking at a point here, in common sense, he goes on and on about it, blaming. It’s a difficult presence to be in, while that blaming is going on. I am a duplicate copy of my dad, I blame just like him, only the subject matters differ. I used to hate his presence, now I breathe and breathe not allowing my judgments of him to get carried away.  He can test me every moment, even how he drinks his tea used to bother me, the sipping sound he makes, that annoying sound he makes while chewing, as if he is deliberately trying to annoy me. Now I realize, I have conditioned myself to react in annoyance to my dad. It is my own conditioned behavior, nothing else.
I am a robot. I have conditioned myself to behave in certain ways in certain situations. Some are known most are unknown, surprises waiting to happen. Yet it’s all within me, exist as conditioned pre programmes, how I react, how I speak, how I look, how I stare, how I blame, how I eat, how I wear cloths, how I smile, how I laugh, how I feel, how I think, how I value things, how I like/dislike things, are all preprogrammed. By who? Well, I programmed myself into this robot that I am here now.

Is there a way out of this robot existence? Yes, live as breath here every breath here, missing a single breath means I allow myself to be a robot, living as every breath means, now I have a chance to be a non-robot.
It is such freedom to not to carry all that past, worry, concerns, anxiety, memories, what-ifs, doubts, fears, blames, feelings, emotions, addictions, highs and lows, depressions, etc etc etc.

It’s nice to be here for a change. So no matter how I try to answer the question, ‘who am I’, I come to the same conclusion, and I am a fucking robot, enslaved to my own mind. Not a pretty picture isn’t it. 

“What is 70 years or 7 years with regards to 350 billion years we have been ‘lost and enslaved’ within this existence?” – Portal writings by www.desteni.co.za

i am here, breathing.

Be present here in the moment.

I am here. breathing, Feb 9, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Yeh, not being present in the moment is uncool. today, a coworker came to my cube wanting to inquire about some issue, but i was too involved in my own work stuff, and i couldn't step out of it and be present to this being who is here, wanting to find some information. even though i came around to it, was listening to what he got to say etc, but i was not really there. i was thinking about what i was doing, not really listening to him. a single breath would have eased up the issue,

so naturally i really didn't' pick what he was asking me, so i gave a half baked solution, he was bit pissed off with that, as he was going away, he didn't hesitate to show off his anger at me, very subtly of course. my justification was i was too tired from last night, having not slept much, meaning got interrupt few times in the middle of deep sleep by a snoring human, so all day, i told myself that i am tired. not cool. this breath i am here, just breath, i am here, i mean i am not falling down from sleepiness, its just a bit of yawning. alertness of mind comes from breath, from breathing here, not from long hours of sleeping.

so when the guy came for information, i was either in the mind thinking that i am tired or, was tired because i have been thinking as such. the comment he made while leaving was bit rude, i got embarrassed, but hey, only if i accept and allow such bullshit within me. i mean he can say anything, even if he is half right, the embarrassment comes only if allow it. so no, i am here as breath.

But the whole thing came about because i was not here as breath, when the person came for some information. i couldn't' stop my stuff for a moment, and attend to his concerns. i can't do 2 things at the same time, so might as well do one thing properly within the breath, each breath.  its neglecting the breath here what caused the drama this morning, no need for it actually, a simple breath here, could have done a lot of good for us.

so a lesson learned, just this breath, i can only do whatever i do in this breath, so have to talk to someone, just talk, whatever is that you, just do it within the breath, within just this breath, equal and one to this breath and whatever is here within this breath. equal and one to all as life.

is it really he less important than what was i thinking at that moment? is he less than the thoughts i was having at that moment? if anything, it is my thoughts that needs least of my attention, all else is equal and one as life as me.

so everything that happens here in this moment/breath, is here as life, deal with it, fully equally. no thing is less than any 'other' thing.

its here, so it is equal and one as life. i am here with all equally. i don't' discriminate 'that' to be more important than 'this'.  all is here as life. i am here as breath.

so i am here in the moment, present fully and equally.