I am here.
Who am I?
A good question to ask indeed. Let me see how to self define myself as is right now.
I am a blamer, I love to blame, and have been a blamer for a long time now. As if from the time I wake up in the morning, my radar is on to find faults . of course with family members I have done this extensively. I realize that I am responsible for everyone and everything, meaning, even to what other people do/say, I am responsible for . In principle I understand that, blame cannot exist, I cannot blame anyone for anything, as it/he/she exist within me as me, so I am responsible for even what others do.
Individually I have to stop that within me, and perhaps be an example for others to follow. Nobody likes to listens to a preacher, they will follow examples, living examples. Blamers are hated. I have seen that mostly in my dad, how he blames, even when he has a valid point, I find it near impossible to ‘listen’ to him, simply because he is operating in that mode of blaming.
Instead of simply looking at a point here, in common sense, he goes on and on about it, blaming. It’s a difficult presence to be in, while that blaming is going on. I am a duplicate copy of my dad, I blame just like him, only the subject matters differ. I used to hate his presence, now I breathe and breathe not allowing my judgments of him to get carried away. He can test me every moment, even how he drinks his tea used to bother me, the sipping sound he makes, that annoying sound he makes while chewing, as if he is deliberately trying to annoy me. Now I realize, I have conditioned myself to react in annoyance to my dad. It is my own conditioned behavior, nothing else.
I am a robot. I have conditioned myself to behave in certain ways in certain situations. Some are known most are unknown, surprises waiting to happen. Yet it’s all within me, exist as conditioned pre programmes, how I react, how I speak, how I look, how I stare, how I blame, how I eat, how I wear cloths, how I smile, how I laugh, how I feel, how I think, how I value things, how I like/dislike things, are all preprogrammed. By who? Well, I programmed myself into this robot that I am here now.
Is there a way out of this robot existence? Yes, live as breath here every breath here, missing a single breath means I allow myself to be a robot, living as every breath means, now I have a chance to be a non-robot.
It is such freedom to not to carry all that past, worry, concerns, anxiety, memories, what-ifs, doubts, fears, blames, feelings, emotions, addictions, highs and lows, depressions, etc etc etc.
It’s nice to be here for a change. So no matter how I try to answer the question, ‘who am I’, I come to the same conclusion, and I am a fucking robot, enslaved to my own mind. Not a pretty picture isn’t it.
“What is 70 years or 7 years with regards to 350 billion years we have been ‘lost and enslaved’ within this existence?” – Portal writings by www.desteni.co.za
i am here, breathing.
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