When I die, all my shit will die with me.

obsessed by a series of thoughts, the more i think the more they compound. so have to breath get into the physical, in all this self honesty is vital. otherwise i could be breathing just avoid the real issues here. i cannot avoid anything, breathing is not about avoiding anything, rather, been here, and facing all points here as me. everything is here as myself. i cannot run, i cannot avoid, i cannot escape, i cannot hide, i can't even die, because in the afterlife i will have to face myself.

so what is my point? i have tons of shit i am not facing within me. i am avoiding, clearly i am not willing to discuss them here either. so that is a point of self dishonesty. if this writing is self writing then why am i not discussing my hidden issues here? i feel bit of shame that i still carry shit within me. well that is the whole point, to undo inner shit piece by piece until nothing remains. either that or simply die with full of shit, then vanish anyways.

when i die of course, all my shit dies with me, nothing will be left here. as long as i live i can carry my shit within me, talk about them, hide them, react from them, make a big mountain out of them, all that drama, till i die. then, all is over.

Or in one breath, i can simply remain here, not allowing to be directed by my mind at all, simply be here. the mind will tell all kinds of stories and dramas, whereas the physical has no stories, only the mind got dramas, physical is simply here. the breath is simply here. mind is the breaker of things, the frag-mentor, while the physical is the defragmentor, like the old DOS defrag program, which reassembles fragmented physical memory into nice wholesome piece.

so what does it mean then? simply never allow to go into the mind. at every breath, just be here as the breath, within the principle that all things here are equal and one as life. every being here is equal and one as life. every plant animal here is equal one as life. understanding those principles just be here as the breath of life. i mean, if all here is life, then, why bother 'think' through a plan of defense? if all is life here, then why bother to be self protective ? if all is life here, then why bother to be selfish ?

clearly for the mind, not all things here are life, for the mind only the thoughts and feelings are life. As mind is regenerated with thoughts/emotions/feelings.

god, i want to try this, can i just for a day, live as breath, just for a day, or at least few hours, just as breath, not allowing single thought to be taken over. just for few hours, can i just be the breath of life? can i live as breath of life for just few hours? no thoughts, no thinking, for few hours. i want to prove to myself that i will not die by stopping my mind for few hours.

i am going to try this, just live as breath for few hours, will see how it goes. wonder what will happen to all my shit when i stop the mind/thinking for few hours. for sure, when i die my shit will die with me, so when i stop the mind, my shit will stop with it, until i start thinking again.

lets try that.

Of Course, I love you darling.

I am here. Feb 14th 2011.

Happy fucking valentine's day to you all. Love love love. I would rather say sex sex and sex. I have had my doze of love and sex over the years, but almost always it ended up with anger, meanness and spite, both for myself and for the other. no matter how colorful the so-called love is, as long as there is self-anger, self-judgement, self-spite, shit will get thrown at the other, so wars will break out. then, even a small hill will appear like a mountain, anger and meanness will fly without limits.

I have been in those types of love things, where the anger and rage i felt my lover at that time was so immense, my wife is no exception, she gets my doze of nastiness now and then. in the bus today on my way home, i hear a couple very subtly throwing abusive words at each other, she appears to be very upset, then i thought 'oh god' i have to deal with this at home and now in the bus too!

But the real truth is, isn't never the other person, as long as 'thought' exist, as along as 'mind' exist, love cannot exist, period. Because you will fucking come up with some kind of a thought against your lover every now and then, which will compound and compound, leading to manifest consequences. absence of thought perhaps is love, presence of breath is perhaps love, self forgiveness is love, self honesty is love, yes one could within limits say such. Meaning, those are the ingredients to find love within self and therefore to share such love with others.

more or less, i have failed in my love life, because eventually i end up with right kind of blame and thoughts against my love/wife etc. and my goodness how i justify my angry mindset is just amazing. i can convince myself so well, i feel i should been a fucking criminal lawyer or something. now i realize, needing for love is self abuse, looking for love is self abuse. the moment you feel you need love, you're abusing yourself. the moment you need an external source you are self abusing.

Now that does not mean living in isolation. yes, find an agreement partner, discuss, communicate, be on the same page, self forgive, walk this process together, its a cool thing. so your very agreement will not the key point of focus on your life then, you will be focused on things that matter, like fucking cleaning up this world for example.

we are here to that, we are here to bring about equality for all, that is our purpose, certainly that is my purpose. it would be rather pointless to fuck thru all years till your dick cannot erect up anymore, then, you take that super expensive vigra, to boost up the nearly dead sex life which is almost over, all you can do is keep looking at young pussies/dicks to get a mental high, and imaging sex fantasies in your head, isn't that a pretty fucked life to live.

by all means, get an agreement partner, enjoy the great sex, become intimate with each other, so that your sum is greater than both of you. as they say, whole is greater than sum of its part.  this is preciously where i am suffering, most of my focus is on my marriage, and its bullshit problems, arguments, anger, pain etc, very little attention and time i put into the purpose i came to this world for. my life would just be a total waste, if i spend most of my time worrying about relationship bullshit and do minimum about world equality. i mean that is indeed a wasted life. what i mean to say is, an agreement is vital, within which self process is primary focus for both, and the couple's contribution is more than just the double horse power, an effective agreement to bring about world equality for all. yes in all that time, enjoy each other physically sexually, romantically, intimately, caring and supporting each other.

nobody said this process has to be walked alone in isolation. every day can be a happy valentine's day, and happy world equality day, because without the later, nothing really matters.

without equality everything else is just bullshit which will end in time for sure.

so for all of you in agreements i say, enjoy, double up your horse power to bring about a new world for all of us. and those who are with a non-destonians, well, no excuses, you still got to walk this self process and be a living example in your reality. that is preciously what i have to do, walk this process in every breath, and be an example for my wife, perhaps perhaps someday, she will ask about self forgiveness, self honesty, agreement and what this process are all about.

i am the key to my reality, i am the key to my world. and if there is any wanting and needing of any love, then fuck it, your love is already over. the need will kill it. the wanting will destroy it. And if you think you love another, then, you're a self-abuser. wired isn't it. then what the fuck is love? really, self here as breath, without any movement of thoughts, emotions and feelings, and applying the equation of what is best for all, can be said as love. perhaps. then again, the moment you define love as a concept, its gone, no more. live here, as breath as every breath here, then you will never need to define what love is.

I have a long way to go, but breath by breath, i am here as equal and one to all.

Of course, i love you darling, WTF.