The fact is, I don't want to change myself.

well, so much going on. a mind construct i am working on has been on hold for a while now. so tonight instead of blogging i am going to do that MC. there is perhaps deep seated believe that i cannot really change, so these mind constructs really not going to change me, they may outline as who/what i live myself as, but can they change me? no. so i carry that belief system within me. here i am standing on my own bullshit justifications, i can see i am a changed person compare to my pre-desteni days. so yes change has happened, indeed, so how did that self change i see in me happened? well application of self forgiveness and self honesty and participation in desteni process has been effective, then how could i so adamantly say that mind-construct cannot change me ? i don't know if they can change me or not, but clear fact is i have not done a proper mind construct on my own, always avoiding them. whereas i have done self forgiveness on my own.

so until i do apply a desteni tool as it should be, i cannot really say if it is assisting me or not. here i am blindly avoiding mind constructs. it has been awaiting for me for a long time now.

i can see i have a deep seated believe that i cannot be change, or near impossible to self change me at the very core of me. perhaps that is why i am avoiding MC, or resonant course works.

well just have to do it. i realise that i am fucked very much, but that is no excuse, i also realise that by applying the tools consistently and pushing myself along with the tools, i can self help me. the key is self application. giving into the idea that i cannot be change, is worse form of self pity, its like saying i should be dead, why am i living etc.

i stop here. i walk this process, with tools in hand, i apply me, i push myself to apply the tools. Be it Mind constructs, or resonant course works, or self writing, or self-vlogging, or self forgiveness, i just do them, consistently.

do it regularly, consistently, then self will see the self change,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am unchangeable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am a hopeless case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that doing a mind-construct is useless because its not going to change me anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing Mind Constructs because i inherently believe that i cannot be changed, i am this, and this is it. how could anyone change me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i lack self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like been an ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the way i am so why bother to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my bullshit existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that i don't' need change, and that i cannot be change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am beyond fixing. i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am so bad that i cannot be fixed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have zero self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push people away who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid those who want to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like people who promote my mind constructs. so i can feel at home with them. no need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  carry a deep seated self belief that i cannot be changed. no matter how amazing desteni tools are, they just cannot change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that how could i ever be like those destonians at the farm, could i change myself to be like them?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others so that its justifying not applying desteni tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just like the way i am, so no need to change. b'c i don't' like change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear undoing my bullshit mind-patterns. i would rather be that.

i stop the mind patterns.
i stop fearing change.
i embrace change.
i embrace self change.
i stop the self pity.
I am breath of life.
i stop being the ego
i stop the mind patterns.
i am here as the breath.
i don't' need mind patterns to tell me how to live my life.
i am breath.
i am here as physical.
i am one and equal to all here.
i don't need my mind to tell me how to live.
i am changing.
i am self change.
i change myself.
i will myself to change myself.
i stop fearing to change me so it is best for all.
i am here as breath of life.
i am change.
i change.
i stop fearing mind constructs.

i am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this deep seated belief that i cannot be changed. this is the biggest self fuck up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i don't want to change. i have not allowed myself to change. i holding back change. i am avoiding change. i am not pushing myself to change. its all still a drama, not real change is there, because i have not allowed me to change, yet. i am still falling back to the old style of ways.

I am not a fucking joy killer.

i went a soccer tournament today, i found myself sitting between two soccer moms, one supporting the blue team and the other is green. obviously their sons were having fun in the field running after the ball and trying to score etc, but for the parents its a different story. they were so engaged in the game rather emotionally raising their voices in support for their kids and expressing frustration and bits of anger as the game went on.

first of all, yes its cool for the kids to have some fun in indoor soccer field in the middle of thick winter. they seem to have a great ball not much worried or getting all emotional but in the game sort to speak. for moms and dads they got 'carried away'. i was rather a silent dad sitting but not cheering like they do. i figure its something to with 'own child' thing perhaps, an egoic extension through children.

competitive sporting brings defense of ego in full action.

then i saw how i too participate in national sports following and get all crazy about it. same bullshit, sports adoration. soccer moms/dads just do for their kids. while i do it for the national team. its all forms of ego boosting thru one team or another.

within equality equation, physical sports activity for children need not take competitive form, rather as self expression children having fun with a soccer ball. no need to win or loss, no need for parents to feel so proud or shame about their kids. no need to praise how mighty athletic their boys are, or need to compare and feel good about self. all this is ego madness.

funny thing to observe is how parents shouting son's names as if their son is the only kid playing out there. And the verbal proclamations they do in the form of coaching/encouragement towards their kids is just amazing. "yes you can do it, get the ball, block it, take a shot, yes you do it, common now".  it sounds a bit like a religious session. and when a scoring happens, omg, parents just go crazy in their jubilant expressions.

i guess, it is what it is. while sitting listening to these backbench parents-turned-coach  i was thinking to myself, "what if is this child of yours is starving to death", kind of bitter question to ask, but the point is, "god you are so concern about your son scoring a goal, why not see the plight of million others who are suffering while you are having a soccer party?, yeah nasty on my part to think such. perhaps i was jealous since i don't have a son of mine playing out there, through whom i can feel so proud about myself. well may be so.

yet i cannot dismiss the fact, children having fun is a right for every child, not just for the rich, every child deserve to throw a soccer ball around and have some fun, it must be a right to not just a privilege.

i am one vote for equality in children's sports, so every kid can enjoy his/her childhood, play, run as he/she wishes. No child is ever denied the right to have fun in the fields, we will make sure a system of support will facilitate equality for all kids.

i mean, here only the rich get to have fun. yeah they all cheered the green team who won the game, but its really a shame, we all lose as long as someone is losing out there in this world.

one starving kid is one too many, and there is really nothing to cheer about, is there ? and don't fucking call me a joy killer.

I am not a fucking joy killer.

i went a soccer tournament today, i found myself sitting between two soccer moms, one supporting the blue team and the other is green. obviously their sons were having fun in the field running after the ball and trying to score etc, but for the parents its a different story. they were so engaged in the game rather emotionally raising their voices in support for their kids and expressing frustration and bits of anger as the game went on.

first of all, yes its cool for the kids to have some fun in indoor soccer field in the middle of thick winter. they seem to have a great ball not much worried or getting all emotional but in the game sort to speak. for moms and dads they got 'carried away'. i was rather a silent dad sitting but not cheering like they do. i figure its something to with 'own child' thing perhaps, an egoic extension through children.

competitive sporting brings defense of ego in full action.

then i saw how i too participate in national sports following and get all crazy about it. same bullshit, sports adoration. soccer moms/dads just do for their kids. while i do it for the national team. its all forms of ego boosting thru one team or another.

within equality equation, physical sports activity for children need not take competitive form, rather as self expression children having fun with a soccer ball. no need to win or loss, no need for parents to feel so proud or shame about their kids. no need to praise how mighty athletic their boys are, or need to compare and feel good about self. all this is ego madness.

funny thing to observe is how parents shouting son's names as if their son is the only kid playing out there. And the verbal proclamations they do in the form of coaching/encouragement towards their kids is just amazing. "yes you can do it, get the ball, block it, take a shot, yes you do it, common now".  it sounds a bit like a religious session. and when a scoring happens, omg, parents just go crazy in their jubilant expressions.

i guess, it is what it is. while sitting listening to these backbench parents-turned-coach  i was thinking to myself, "what if is this child of yours is starving to death", kind of bitter question to ask, but the point is, "god you are so concern about your son scoring a goal, why not see the plight of million others who are suffering while you are having a soccer party?, yeah nasty on my part to think such. perhaps i was jealous since i don't have a son of mine playing out there, through whom i can feel so proud about myself. well may be so.

yet i cannot dismiss the fact, children having fun is a right for every child, not just for the rich, every child deserve to throw a soccer ball around and have some fun, it must be a right to not just a privilege.

i am one vote for equality in children's sports, so every kid can enjoy his/her childhood, play, run as he/she wishes. No child is ever denied the right to have fun in the fields, we will make sure a system of support will facilitate equality for all kids.

i mean, here only the rich get to have fun. yeah they all cheered the green team who won the game, but its really a shame, we all lose as long as someone is losing out there in this world.

one starving kid is one too many, and there is really nothing to cheer about, is there ? and don't fucking call me a joy killer.

Must be here every breath.

i am here.

as usual backchatting today, looking to find faults, complaining, though the good news while i was complaining i was able checked it, stop it, it must be stopped at the very start, not near the end of the monologue. all comes to awareness of self every breath, every moment, not just special moments, not just special times, no all the time, every breath, i must observe my breath, and observe my tendencies to go onto verbal bad mouthing, or backchatting for that matter. i mean thinking is speaking silently, isn't it, just b'c nobody hears it doesn't mean, it is not expressed. all thoughts are expressed out into the existence, yes, every one knows what i think. and how i do i know this? i read in desteni site, all and everything exist in me as me, so all my thoughts about others are known to me, therefore known to others. there is no hiding place for thoughts, only just stopping them stops, nothing else will.

so coming back to breath, living by breath, each moment, i am able to cut the back chatting, cut the crap of bad mouthing, gossiping, and whole bunch other vices simply by observing my thoughts and breath. of course, self forgiveness and self honesty is always there as self help tools.

as for me, all through my day, i have to vigilant about my breath, thoughts, and words. easy hide, easy goto war, easy to complaint, easy to blame, easy to kill, easy to destroy, easy to kick, easy to make hell for self and others. the hardest yet the simplest is to be here as breath, every moment just be here.

My way or the highway.

I am here.

Its my way or the high way. This is another bullying pattern I have. I cannot tolerate so many compromises, so I am always ready to speak in ultimatum tones. Either my way or high way. I mean WTF, who am I trying to deceive, I know very well most of the time I issued such ultimatums I end up being the loser. Ultimatums are not the way to go, but that is an energy possession that wants to be nasty and mean at others by offering ultimatums. Its bit like saying, I want to punish you and hurt you. I get into such mode of ultimatums when I am in need of energy. The more needy I feel the more demanding and brutal I become. As if, the world will collapse if I don’t get that energy boost.

350 billion years human mind was at slavery, no wonder, not a single time I have been able to overcome my need for energy boost especially at night time. Like a cry baby, I get into that needy mode.  So moment by moment 350 billion years of enslavement to energy has happened, and I can believe it. Because I have not been able to overcome , not even a single time, so do the math, it’s a matter of adding upto 350 billon years.

My way or the high way, is nothing but total expression of self anger. Its me being angry with me but dumping unto others in a brutal spiteful way.  Either that or I just want to run the fuck out here into a free land, where I am not responsible for anyone, just me headed for myself.  I am so stuck in my own energy push and pull, one day I push, next day I pull, or other way around. I am always want to run away.  They all connected being free and irresponsible. But I have always able to justify my escapes. God.  After 350 billion years, here I have a chance to undo my bullshit patterns, will I do it or will I continue. 

Freedom after 350 billion years of mind enslavement ?

I am here.

Who am I?

A good question to ask indeed. Let me see how to self define myself as is right now.

I am a blamer, I love to blame, and have been a blamer for a long time now. As if from the time I wake up in the morning, my radar is on to find faults . of course with family members I have done this extensively. I realize that I am responsible for everyone and everything, meaning, even to what other people do/say, I am responsible for . In principle I understand that, blame cannot exist, I cannot blame anyone for anything, as it/he/she exist within me as me, so I am responsible for even what others do.

Individually I have to stop that within me, and perhaps be an example for others to follow. Nobody likes to listens to a preacher, they will follow examples, living examples. Blamers are hated. I have seen that mostly in my dad, how he blames, even when he has a valid point, I find it near impossible to ‘listen’ to him, simply because he is operating in that mode of blaming.

Instead of simply looking at a point here, in common sense, he goes on and on about it, blaming. It’s a difficult presence to be in, while that blaming is going on. I am a duplicate copy of my dad, I blame just like him, only the subject matters differ. I used to hate his presence, now I breathe and breathe not allowing my judgments of him to get carried away.  He can test me every moment, even how he drinks his tea used to bother me, the sipping sound he makes, that annoying sound he makes while chewing, as if he is deliberately trying to annoy me. Now I realize, I have conditioned myself to react in annoyance to my dad. It is my own conditioned behavior, nothing else.
I am a robot. I have conditioned myself to behave in certain ways in certain situations. Some are known most are unknown, surprises waiting to happen. Yet it’s all within me, exist as conditioned pre programmes, how I react, how I speak, how I look, how I stare, how I blame, how I eat, how I wear cloths, how I smile, how I laugh, how I feel, how I think, how I value things, how I like/dislike things, are all preprogrammed. By who? Well, I programmed myself into this robot that I am here now.

Is there a way out of this robot existence? Yes, live as breath here every breath here, missing a single breath means I allow myself to be a robot, living as every breath means, now I have a chance to be a non-robot.
It is such freedom to not to carry all that past, worry, concerns, anxiety, memories, what-ifs, doubts, fears, blames, feelings, emotions, addictions, highs and lows, depressions, etc etc etc.

It’s nice to be here for a change. So no matter how I try to answer the question, ‘who am I’, I come to the same conclusion, and I am a fucking robot, enslaved to my own mind. Not a pretty picture isn’t it. 

“What is 70 years or 7 years with regards to 350 billion years we have been ‘lost and enslaved’ within this existence?” – Portal writings by www.desteni.co.za

i am here, breathing.

I must face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my feelings not realizing these feelings are results of my thoughts past and present, that I infact created these thoughts and feelings for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so heavy within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to avoid the feeling of heaviness within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want run away from what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from what I feel within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from what I experience within me right now. Not realizing I have made this for myself. I have created this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have the simple power and responsibility to stop my thoughts emotions and feelings simply by stopping the thoughts. Instead just being here as breath I allow myself to ‘think’ allow me to follow the thoughts within me into a river of thoughts. In that I get drained in emotions and feelings. I forgive me, I give me to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ran away into happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want escape from what I am feeling now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want avoid my emotions and feelings. Not realizing I cannot avoid them, because it is me right now, I have made this for myself. Here or there, here on earth or in the afterlife, I cannot avoid myself, I have to face myself all of me. So for now, myself includes my thoughts and emotions. I am here as breath of life.

Here or there, in the physical or in death, I must face myself, there is no escape from me. I cannot avoid me, I cannot avoid myself as my thoughts and emotions. They will follow me. Until I stop them.

There is so much shit going on in this world, so much suffering going on in this world, self inflicted and environmentally inflicted, yet I ignore them and only focus on my little thoughts and feelings. I am always trapped in my own mind creations. I have allowed me to think and feel and exist within my thoughts and emotions. I am here. I have a responsibility to stop this mind bullshit within me. I do so by simply being here as the breath. I stop my thoughts and emotions by simply being here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping the thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to give up the thoughts. Because they give me so much comfort and security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stop following my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to just be here as the physical as the breath of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depress within me. Not realizing in one breath I can stop it. I am here in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than my thoughts and emotions. I am here equal and one to all of me, everything of me. I am equal and one to all and everything of me. I cannot run from me, I cannot avoid me.
No running from myself. I am here as self responsibility. I am here as self breath. I breathe here. I remain here as breath. Instead of looking for the next rush to get a high, either thru sex or this or that, I remain here as breath. I remain here as my physical.

I realize the sufferings of this world, I mean from so much starvation, murder, rape, torture, poverty, hunger, slavery, sickness, disease, loneliness, isolation, homelessness, gosh, a long long list indeed. Yet all I do is worry about my next high, my next round of sex, or next round of emotional high, how to be happy is my quest. I stop this madness, after all, with death all that is not real will end. Wtf.
I am here. I know all that I am chasing now will end, as none is real. So realizing the world’s mess, I know I understand I have a responsibility to stand up, to speak up against the bullshit that is going on. Speaking up in a constructive way, not just protesting and screaming, rather, speak with and the equal life party and one and equal to it. But I just focus on my thoughts, emotions and feelings, always looking for the next happiness. That is just total selfishness. Yes I have first responsibility for self-care. I have to take care of me, but that doesn’t mean total ignorance of world suffering.
I am here. I stop the depression within me, I stop the sadness within me. I stop the emotional loathing within me, I stop the self pity within me, I stop the nag within me, I stop the anger within me, I stop the doubt within me, I stop the craving within me, I stop the lust within me, I stop the envy within me,  but how exactly will I do all those ? Just simply being here as breath. I am the breath of life. Here as the physical, it is the mind that is fucking everything.
I forgive me. I forgive myself.