Take a good shit a day, to keep the doctor away.

I am here, Feb 7th, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Not so pleasant night tonight. I got sucked into an energy possession, WTF, this is now a very predictable and regular pattern I live and have been living. So what happened tonight.

I allowed myself to feel left out, I allowed myself to believe that others are putting me to aside, I allowed myself to think that I am alone, I allowed myself to dwell in that energetic possessive state. Now I can understand the term 'possession' very well, I see it is in me at least a few times a week. It used to be every morning and nighttime, I will get into the blaming, nagging, moody energetically demanding energy sucking beast, in that I believe that everyone hates me, rejects me etc etc. It will last a good 10 to 15 minutes of serious emotional pain, i mean, its not going to kill me, but a very severely painful sort of emotion, sucks for sure. When I am in that state, please fasten all your seat belts, i can be nasty. I will crush you with a pouting silent, or a pounding shout, verbal abuse is its name. I am sick and tired of this fucking shit i live myself as. I feel so helpless in that crushingly emotional state which gets frigged by so many little things. It could be food, at times eating greasy oily spicy food can knock me off very bad, Or it could be an irregular bowl movements, I could spin in energy possession for a whole day. And each time i take a shit, it seems to feel a little better and better, and finally with a clean bowl, i can relax, feel free from that energy possession.

As far as I can remember, I have been an energy possession type of a person, almost always, I would be in that cranky grumpy state, highly undesirable indeed. I literally feel that i have no control over this whatsoever, i mean, what the fuck, how can i manage and control my bowl movement regularity? Only so much fibre i can eat. Come to think of it, i hardly take good veggies, or drink a lot of water or eat good doze of fruits per day etc, i know i have had very good days with my bowl movement, just only one time visit for the whole day,  As far as I can recall, a meal with tons of veggies, a lot to water, gives me a good movement and keeps me in a healthy state.

So basically my body is telling me that i am abusing it, by not eating with care, like taking the required stuff for the physical sustenance, drinking a lot of water etc. Abusing the body is not acceptable, neglecting the body is not acceptable.

I know, even the shit i take is life, is one and equal as life me. I have heard one can even talk to one's shit, not that i have been successful in that. but i can see the common sense in that, if shit stops coming out, this body cannot live, it will die, taking a good shit is as important as breathing oxygen. No shit No life indeed.

So tonight clearly, my irregular bowl movement got me into that nasty energetic state of mind, of course, once i am there, all hell can break lose, you never know what will happen next. thank god, nothing bad happened, but as usual i got into that nasty moody state. it is suffering for others when i am that state, they fear it, never knowing what disaster may follow.

i have told so many times to myself, that i will not react, i will not show my anger, i will not blame, i will not find fault, yet, so easily and quickly i am become a nagger while in that energy possessive state.

ok, i am here, this new breath, i am still alive, world end has not ended, nor my life has ended, i am still breathing, i can still stop this pattern, i am not an eternal slave to my moodiness nor to the patterns of my bowl movements. i realise, i have to stop abusing my body, i have to care my physical with proper sustenance, not that i want to be a health-nut, no, just simple common sense of taking care of my body.

Still, there is no way to avoid the mind energy possession, i mean, thats something only i can stop it, no diet, no pill, no drink, no smile, no sex, no money, no love, no honey, no person, no family, no doctor, can stop the mind possession within my mind, only i can stop it. within that every moment, i have the direct power and responsibility to stop the mind forever, breath by breath of course. simply breathing, will do the magic, what am i waiting for?

ok, no more regrets, let me re-walk again, let me breath again, i am here, let me stop that mind energy possessive moody grumpy cranky depressive angry spiteful state, with one simple breath. i know i can do it. i feel sad that happiness is so far away for me, just because this bullshit mind energy thirst i get into, it seems i am so helpless. but not to worry, i am live, i am here, i am my physical, nothing is over, i will simply breath, will take proper meals, will drink ample water, will take the required supplements, and of course, i will self-forgive, and self-care, indeed my body is telling me to care for it.

So much commotion for not taking a good shit. gosh. but i am grateful, even my shit can assist me in my process while i am alive here. remember i am not dead, i am still alive. i can do this in this very breath. i am breathe.

With Equal Healthcare System in place, i am sure, even hidden secretive shameful issues like 'Irregular Bowl Movements', 'Constipation', 'Moodiness', will be effectively addressed and supported from various angles. Not just popping a pill, no, but effective wholesome care for the physical body, which will include self-forgiveness and self-honesty perhaps 3 times a day before and after meals. lol.

I am indeed one vote for an Equal Healthcare System, lets us all be well and live well.

Hell is One Breath Away

Since around 3pm today, i have been feeling kind of low and down. Meaning, a slight version of depression, and self pity has taken me over. This energy possession is nothing unusual to me, its a very familiar takeover that happens every now and then, I have no idea why. When I enter this state of mind, its only a matter of minutes before I pick on something with someone. In the past, it was mostly my parents or brothers, I will never hesitate to lash out at them, for any trivial thing, it doesn't matter, once I enter "that energetic mode", all bets are off, fasten your seat belts, hell is just one breath away. It could happen anytime.

Living with my wife, things are bit different, i cannot just lash out, she is a tough gal, will not put up with my mode swings. I never had any live-together love-relationships before, so this is the first time I am actually living with a woman, ever since I left my parent's home back in 1989 i always either lived alone or had male roommates. In terms of lovers, I never entered any living together agreements. It was just easy to have my own place and visit the girl friend every now and then. I mean why take all that trouble of living together. I am now married for 2 years, out that only about last 6 months period I am actually living together. So i am rather inexperienced when it comes to cohabitation. Most of our wars get trigged when I enter "that energetic mode", as I become so needy and demanding her attention, naturally it turns her off big time. The principle of what you resist persist, I experience first hand. The more I demand her attention, guess what, less I get, then i get even more nasty. When I am all in a normal mode, there is hardly any problems.

I struggled with "that energetic mode' for all my life, ever since i was child. I cannot describe what it is, it just takes over me, an energetic, emotional moody body, as if I am possessed, a compete take over. Only after inflicting a good doze of nasty words and pain to others, does "that" state cools itself down a bit. The more i pound better I feel. I become normal and gentle, i offer many words of apologies and sweet offers to make things up. I am out of words to describe "that" state, so let me borrow a new age term called "painbody", meaning, old emotional shit, which gets activated, a complete takeover happens. Resonant possession, a demonic possession.

So, today, i went through this all too familiar drama, thank god, nothing dramatic happened, i just obnoxiously raised my voice, sort of a mean nasty way, but held my words back, didn't voice them. I mean i have no idea how or what is this shitty emotional takeover that happens to me. Since desteni, i have become much "tolerable", meaning i am less mean and less nasty. I just wish someday this bloody moody takeover will stop. i mean WTF, its so tiring and lonely to crush people so often.

Strangely enough, this very 'problem' made me very isolated person hence I became a seeker, always looking for some solution to assist me, of course most of the time i landed with this spiritual group or that, but "that" core problem never end or decreased. Only with desteni, i have the tools, and significant progress i have made in taming this emotional painbody beast within me.

End of the day, I realize whatever i experience, i am self responsible for. Simply because, had i stayed continuously and constantly within my breath, i could over come the power of "that". But obviously, i give into my mind, which takes me for ride to 'fuckup' town. so the solution is amazingly simply, stay within the breath through any storm, and when i miss that simple principle, of course, hell is just one breath away.

Will I ever change? will i ever stop this emotional bullshit painbody within me? of course, i cannot just "stop" it, as it has its own momentum of 42 years of build up. But i have the most amazing power and responsibility to stay within the breath, for which there is no excuse.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that i am helpless when I am taken over by that state of mind.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that i must go thru "that" every now and then, simply because it is something i am so familiar with.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to give in to my mind.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i am addicted to regenerating my mind's ego. i love my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love my ego. therefore i love to feed it with mind energy. in the forms of fight and debates and accusations.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love blaming because in blaming i feed my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to get an energetic feed session in the form of spiteful anger and hate.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to be angry.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to demand attention from others, otherwise i will be nasty. i love to be nasty.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that i love to be nasty.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i love to be mean.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i love to blame others.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in blaming i avoid my self responsibility.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing me so instead i am always looking to pound at others.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to define me as a moody person.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am condemn to a life time of moodiness. not realising within one single breath i can be free myself from this madness.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to like to be ,mad and angry. its so easy to live such life. living as breath is tough.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to define living as breath as tough. therefore i have already given me the permission to live as the mind. so naturally i have already accepted and allowed myself to be my mind and ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love my ego.

I forgive myself I have I accepted and allowed myself to love to have a fight because in that i feed my mind and its ego.

i am here. breath is my solution. in every breath i am here as the physical.

there is no other solution, i am here as breath. EVERY breath, i must be here, not just few breath now and some breaths later. no. that is not acceptable.

Because, for me, hell is just one breath away. So it matters absolutely that I live as my breath here in the physical in every breath. Otherwise my wife will show me what i have accepted and allowed, she will not put with my moodiness, Self responsibility for every breath is the point i am facing.

There are no excuses, every breath I must be here.