A Guide to Step-Parenting.

I am here. Feb 5, 2011, my daily blogging continues.

Parenting I understand is a difficult job. Step parenting has an extra touch to it. I am a step father, my 9 years old step son, is a very sweet child like any other 9 year old is, over the last 2-3 years we have developed something cool between us, but when it come to matters of discipline we hit a zone of discomfort.

Tonight along with his friend, three of us went to snow sledging, my first time snow outing, It was very much fun. Children like it when adults have fun with them. I first said no to going out playing with him and his friend, but later agreed, it wasn't much cold outside, so around 8pm we started snow sledging. He had a ball with his friend, sometimes three of us would ride downhill together, and race against each etc.

I found the key to sledging is to remain as the breath as you rush downhill, no room for thinking of course. Have to ride along with the momentum, any jerky movements against the momentum is asking for trouble. A cool simple sport to remain within the physical and not think for god sake.

But like all fun activities, there comes a time to go home, the fun ends, got go home and do home stuff. So when i say, time to go home, we hit that discomforting area of discipline. I know, when I was a kid, no one could stop me from playing cricket, weekends i would play sometimes 8 hours a day, coming home just to grab  a bite, then back to the fields of endless joy of playing cricket. Only thing would actually make me go home would be the sunset, when darkness is here and you cannot humanly look at that cricket ball anymore, when such eventual sad fate arrives here, we would very unhappily declare that its now time to go home. That was back in the late 70s and early 80s in Sri lanka, So naturally, kids love to play, and they just can't take the word 'enough' to end their party.

I take it personally his apparent disobedience, and apparent 'not listening' to my instructions, though what i am asking him to do is within the sphere of practicality and common sense. This 'not listening to me', 'not listening to my instructions', 'must follow the set rules' etc, are clearly my bullshit mindfucks that i accepted and allowed within me.

Step parenting is an ex-ordinary art, on the one hand, i must develop a bond with him as a natural father would, and yet on the other hand, i cannot be seen as uncool or mean by imposing any form of discipline upon him. If there is any issue between us, my wife would pick up very quickly and of course things then can compound.

I could risk a double loss by been a strict or disciplining father. I can ask but cannot demand. Hence, more often I take a light hearted and fun loving approach with him, and i like that too. our father-son relation is more fun in nature, than the old style imposing strictness and discipline etc. I am not a father-figure, i am actually a fun-figure, i give him lots of attention, yes there are things i am responsible for, not just always having fun.

Having fun is the easy part with him, the moment I ask for discipline, we hit that discomfort. And i get bit angry too, not very cool. So what i found is, effective communication, no emotion, no drama, simple effective direct communication and a clear understanding of his responsibilities and possible consequences if things are not in line.

Sort of an agreement just for the specific task at hand. Once we went on a road trip to Baltimore from Ottawa, so before the journey began, we came up with a road-trip-agreement, god help us, it actually worked. Everything was already discussed and written on paper. It help me prepare myself too, allowing me check my bullshit mind patterns that gets kicked by the child.

Sometimes when father-child issues between us pop up, my wife would ask me this question, "would you do this to your own child?" . Standing for equality, i must be very clear on how I will answer that question.

My own son, or a step son, what difference is there? Are they not equal and one as life as me ? Will i deny one and favor the other? Will i support one more than the other? Here equality equation requires a direct application in my immediate reality. Some questions of course, i cannot answer as i don't' have a child of my own,  but i do know, "what i do unto my step son, I do unto myself'. that is the magical guide to step parenting. Another a great reason to live as the breath of life, for within the breath no such concepts such step parent or step child exist, because simply i am here as the breath of life, and here is the child, and there exist responsibility, no need for 'step' or 'my own' concepts.

Life is indeed indivisible, all is one and equal.

Live as Breath, or Perish.

I am here, Feb 04, 2011. My daily blogging continues.


The other day, in one of Bernard Poolman's recent videos, I heard him say "Talk about the pattern, not the person", something to that effect. What that means to me is, I can observe and study patterns in a person, specially mind patterns and behavioural patterns, but indeed I must avoid judging the person as such patterns. For example, when hearing a person gossiping, I simply note the "pattern of gossiping", not label the being as a gossiper. Or worse yet, hold a judgement about him/her as an eternal gossiper, which is what I usually do.

So tonight, we went for a drive, some issue about money came up, which eventually led a disagreement about the money point. She got upset, for the next 2-3 hours, she went on and on about stuff, she pulled everything from the last 2 years and went on and on how nasty I am etc etc. Of course, I saw the pattern, but I couldn't just only see the pattern, I also want to run away from this situation. Meaning, I want to end agreement and run away so that i don't' have to deal with this pattern of hers.

But the strange thing is, I have the exact same pattern to blame non stop when a certain emotional energy is activated. So in this specific pattern, we are identical. So me wanting to quit and run away is just spitefulness on my part, again a deep rooted pattern of mine to escape, to run at the sight of a fight.

So, to see the pattern and not the person is a very tough task indeed. Again, i failed to just only see the pattern and not harm or hurt the person in return. But i did return a few nasty responses, obviously I mistook the person for the pattern.

Why did that happened to me tonight? because i didn't live as breath, i didn't exist as breath, each time she said something, i went into my mind for a deep introspection and came out with a verbal dagger. Had i just remained within the breath, her pattern would have eventually cooled down, and she would have returned to her normal self. But I knocked the person along with the pattern, now more consequences will come my way.

So in this, what I realise is there is really no relationship, none whatsoever, because for a relationship to exist, the mind must exist. If I had remained just as breath, yes I would have been very lonely, meaning, nothing to think about it, I would have been emotionless, meaning, there is no specific emotion to chew on, none to feel, yet I would have been at my best expression, as the breath of life.

Really, one must give up life to have life. I think some wise dude said something like that before. Give it up all, to have it all. some shit like that, what he meant was, give up the mind, be the breath, in that you are everything. i mean for any 'thing' to exist the mind exist, otherwise you are simply one and equal all.

So even to see the pattern and not the person, there is deep pre-requirement, that is one must live and exist as the breath non-stop. The moment I am out of the breath, i am fucked.

As I said in a previous blog, hell is always a breath away. When I live as breath, no one can hurt me, no one can insult me, no one can blame me, no one can torture me, no one can accuse me, no one can nag me, no one can trigger my emotions, no one can excite me, no one can arouse me, no one can cause me suffering, no mind pattern can bother me, or invite me for a war, because I am simply here as the breath of life.

I am along the cause and the reason for my inner state.

Tonight, I could have remained as breath, and went for the drive, allowing her pattern to slow down and perhaps later talk about it. But no, i took it head on, and made a mess out of it. Living as breath is not just a responsible thing for the self, it is also a support gesture for others, while they go through their own bullshit patterns. Trying to flee at the sight of a pattern is the worse thing to do, instead live as breath.

Things are indeed getting tougher. Everyday, something here or there happens reminding me to live as breath, every breath in fact.

A decision must be soon made, either to live as breath, or perish.

Dealing with Jealousy

I am here. This one life, how am I living it is the question. Just existing as a robot programmed by society, fears, and media are bullshit. I cannot live as a robot. Obviously I am living as a robot, continuously giving into fears.

At the moment, one of the major patterns I give into is reacting when my wife speaks to other males. In other words, I go into jealousy as I see her communicate with other males. Obviously this reaction of mine is not fukcing cool, I mean WTF. Am I trying to control her life, how she live, how she talks, who she talks to etc. Goes without saying, I am living with a 200 years ago male’s mentality. I am basically telling her, listen: don’t talk to any other males, because I am the only one you should ever communicate, because obviously you are my property, i.e. my wife. So either obey my rule or leave. Either don’t’ make me jealous or just leave.

Strange. It is a shame with all the self-corrective tools and self-understandings, I am still living like a man from the 18th century, when it comes to possession of love. WTF. In this I am really sort of choking her ways of living, I am imprisoning her by denying her to have any male friends as she would like to. It is entirely up to her, whom she wants to communicate, and how she wants communicate etc. Of course, in her friendships with other males, if she indeed develop something more than a friendship then, obviously things will move on, a new direction for all of us. I mean, she is not going to live in a triangle, she will simply move on. So why the fuck do I unnecessarily entertain thoughts of suspicions and doubts about her as she communicates with other males? I am becoming a control freak, rather I have always been this control freak in relationships, always want to own the woman I am ‘in love’ with, not realizing in that I actually will end up killing the very love and the relationship. Because who wants to be with a male dominating control freak, packed with jealousy and possessiveness?

So this is a major drama going on in my life lately, I mean on/off this pattern shows up. I am never relaxed while I see her in communication with other males. This pattern of mine must be deleted, or else condemn myself to life long isolation and loneliness.
So how can I over this bullshit for once and for all? Certainly I must correct this bullhist otherwise it will haunt my whole life. Obviously first step is breath. Be the living breath here. Live as breath, because jealousy cannot exist within the breath, the pattern of jealousy cannot exist while I am here as breath. Mind is needed for jealousy to exist. Thoughts are needed for jealousy to exist. MCS is needed for jealousy to exist. Me here as the physical as the breath cannot possibly exist in and as jealousy. In fact breath is the only way to counter any mind pattern.

Breath is the boat to sail over any storm.

So clearly my commitment is first to live as breath, no matter what. As Bernard said many times, stay within the breath no matter what. I cannot control the self trust of another, I cannot control the self honesty of another. I cannot control the life principles of another. She talks, she talks, she goes, she goes. I am here as breath. It is her direction to decide ‘who she is’ within her reality. My question is, who am I and what will I accept and allow? Always, self first. I am the first point of correction, I am the first point of self-trust and self-honesty to focus on. Am I am trustworthy ? am I self honest ? can I be trusted with life, are the question I must answer ?
I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to exist as thoughts feelings and emotions of jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to trust my thoughts and feelings and then believe my jealousy to be real.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind when it says that I have all the reasons to be jealous.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to mistrust others and use that as a cover up to cover my own self mistrust.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to hide myself behinds another’s perceived manners of speak.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I own my wife and that she cannot talk to any other males.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to possess my wife as if she is my property.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to be so possessive.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to find all the right justifications to prove that my restrictions are valid. That I have the right to place restrictions for her.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to think that I can tell her not have male friends in her reality.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have and like females as my friends.

I forgive myself that I have I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the females friends I have and yet deny my wife any male friends.

Clearly I am fearing my own bullshit. I am fearing my own self-deceit. I am living as a belief system for the sake of self interest and desire. WTF.
So the corrective solution is live as breath and not as any concepts. Never giving to the mind, no matter what. Never give up the breath, no matter what. I am here.
Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to follow thoughts of jealousy within me.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself  to doubt others, Instead I focus on me.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to worry what another is doing behind my back, rather, I focus on my own self-honesty.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to worry about another trustworthiness, rather, I develop my own self-trust. I become trustworthy.

Till here no further, I will no longer accept and allow myself to be concerned about another mannerisms, rather, I focus on my own life principles. It is what I do, that matters.

It is what I stand for that matters.

It is my own self trust that matters.

I am here as breath. Every breath in fact.