Craving for Attention Leads to Isolation.

I am here. After all this is self writing. I have been putting off writing again, it is amazing how quickly the accumulation takes effect. Haven't done the 'daily writing' thing for a while now. Writing here and there makes no  difference to me, I have found. I have to write daily, in that, I accumulate and it shows in my life. I found daily writing assist me even in my speaking. I have done some voice recordings lately, and in that, I have neglected 'daily writing', no good.

Daily writing doesnt' mean writing a book every day, Nope, just write something, even just 200-300 words is ample because point is not about writing or how much is written, it is all about committed, disciplined self expressions via writing. As daily writing happens, self expression takes form and beauty. On my previous 'daily writing' era, I have felt the beauty of daily writing and joy of it too. Whereas nowadays, its rarely a daily thing, rather infrequently occasional.

Well there is no mourning, simply start writing on a daily basis. Write something, write anything,. Its like say, eat something, eat anything if you're hungry. Likewise, to open the self up, write anything, allow self to express.

Ok that is my write up about writing, so now let me actually do the writing, a point, any point to write about.

I have been possessed by energy lately, well, i have always been an energy sucker, but lately it has compounded. In the mornings when I wake up, or at late night when I about to retire for the day, a strong urge of neediness comes. I feel so needy, gosh, I need some kind of energetic approval, an acknowledgement , a word of comfort, a call, an email, something, anything, to validate that my existence.

So what seems to happens is, as I go into that needy state, my ego must be shrinking, hence an energetic boost is sought after at any cost. PAY ATTENTION TO ME, or else. That is how I scream when I become energetically needy. Now, if it is so happened, my wife becomes attentive to me or acknowledges me in anyways, I am all ok, within moments I calm down, as if no Tsunami had taken place. However, if she decided to avoid me or not acknowledge me, behold a war will break out. And sure enough, after the war, I will feel all normal, as if nothing had happened. Which proves beyond any doubt, that all I am seeking is an energetic boost while I am in that needy state.

This is a pattern I have lived for 20+ years, since my teen years. I recall whey mother didn't ack, I would burst out in extreme anger, and at various stages, there were different people who took the brunt of my anger for not acknowledging me.

What I have accumulated in that is to actually make people hate me, I have actually manifested the opposite. By craving for their attention, I got the opposite, they ended up avoiding me at all cost. I have lost many relationships to this one single mind-pattern.

I am looking at this very seriously, this a make or break pattern. If i accept and allow it, further ruin will follow. There is no choice, but to stop it for once and for all. 'till here no further, i stop the energetic neediness within me, till here no further, I will not look to boost my ego's energetic feeding needs. Realizing very well that my ego is craving for energetic boost, and it is only a momentary madness, all I have do is just hang onto the breath and never give into the rush madness of the ego. That is my only option.  so till here no further, I will not allow myself to seek energetic boosts from others. I breathe.

In life and death, we alone actually, so why bother to demand people to pay attention to me and in that actually lose them, what madness is this ?

Till here no further. I stop giving into this energy madness. I dont' need to feed my ego, it is a parasite that has no end. Hence, I simply breathe and remain here. This moment will pass, this desperate urge and pain of the mind will pass, I just have to breathe here.

I am here.

Join the desteni-i-process, learn the tools to undo the madness of our individual and collective egos.

Self-hell is just a thought away.

it doesn't take too long to manifest self-hell nowadays. i noticed that today. i was at a meeting about 10 of us sitting around, instead of talking the subject matter most people tend to drift towards their self importance. most of the time i sat without any judgement or thinking, it was ok, i didn't suffer.

then, for some reasons i started to participate in thoughts of critics and judgement, i started to blame few within my mind. i could actually count the number of thoughts i was engaged in, just a few. viola, moments later, some energetic irritation, frustration took over me, as if something boiled over within me. i started to speak. suddenly i was on the attack, i started to blame and blame, it so happened i picked the most 'innocent looking person' in the group, i attacked him with blame. of course, if you look at my reasons they look logical, but what you will not see is that my outburst was a consequential outflow of few thoughts i just had minutes ago.

it was hell, self hell made by self for self. yes i could have stopped the participation in thinking, but i didn't, so it was too late when i got energetically possessed. it seems it is easier stop thinking than to stop the outburst of energy either as anger or irritation.

i learned a big lesson today, hope it won't cost me anything, as at workplace such outburst are considered  'unprofessional' and 'trouble' to say the least. i thought i am a cool guy, not really it all depends on how much pressure is there at the moment, and how much i think about it. as they all contribute to the consequential outflow of events, in this case, a self-hell.

i have to change. i mean i will stop this bullshit. i will stop myself from any and all forms of thinking. the moment i see  i am on a path of judgement i will stop. the moment i see i am on self pity or self judgement i will just stop. it doesn't take me anywhere but self hell. today i didn't stop them, i allowed and accepted the thoughts and energy that came with it. i made my self hell for me. certainly there was no god to save my ass.

it is really time for self responsibility. its high time i take a serious look at my secret mind and its hidden chambers. i am so used to energetic outbursts, and this is how i have been living, and this is how i have been creating hell for me.

ok past is past. now i have a new breath. i am determined to be here as breath. as anything else is really hell. the next outburst will be even worse, as everything is now compounding.

Looking again at the meeting scene, i can see my drama also got another angle. it is do with wanting attention from others.  gosh what a price to pay for that.

"In life and in death, you're alone", forgetting that i rush for attention, be it positive attention or negative attention, wanting to grab other's their attention, their energy, all to just fill me up. had i remained here as breath, i could have participated in the meeting usefully and if needed direct others gracefully to stay focused within the agenda of the meeting.

ok i start again.