Self-Forgiving and Releasing Childhood Stuff - School

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i had an isolated childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have a lonely childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my childhood was very difficult and painful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and label my childhood as abusive and difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a shy kid during my childhood days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a shy child who is afraid to meet other etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself during my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i was a loaner during my childhood days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i had a petty bad childhood therefore i am show how special due to having a tough childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my life as a difficult journey because i see my childhood as tough one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i lacked support and care during my childhood and therefore blame my parents for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents all my life for apparent lacks in my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in form as parents that harmed and tortured a child, and also i forgive myself for allowing myself as the child to experience abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my childhood as filled with horror and terror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall my childhood with horror.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my childhood was so bad therefore i have all reasons to blame my parents for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a blamer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a blamer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a blamer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into blaming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring up the past so that i can blame my parents for it. not realizing i exist in all forms, there are no good guys or bad guys in my story. i as all forms
responsible for what has happened. therefore no blame simply take responsible so that i will  not become like the generations before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been part of the school because i believe i was targeted at school for been a minority kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear within school as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hate and anger at school for been targeted as a minority kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience rage and anger at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a minority kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a weak kid at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as lacking because i was a minority kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as lacking in self worth because i was a minority kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing other kids who were from non-minority groups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than those kids from other groups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy by comparing myself to to other kids in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy because my parents never came to school to greet and meet my teachers. i forgive myself for blaming my parents for not showing up for teacher
meetings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a parent form that neglected attending a child's school affairs because i saw such meetings as not required or not needed. And i also forgive myself as the child for allowing feelings of hurt and neglect to be entertained.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience lack in school by believing that i lack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience lack because that is what i entertained within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lack because that is what i entertained within me as a kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a kid who lack this or that. and therefore unworthy of friends at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have few a friends at school because i fear i may lose them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a unfortunate kid at school because i allowed myself to see myself as lacking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in form as a parent that neglected and avoided my children because i saw that a burden to care for my children. and i also forgive myself as the child that i allowed myself to experience lack and neediness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others which is NEVER the way to self healing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always blame my parents for my childhood issues.

All blames stop here. till here no further, i do not accept and allow myself to blame anyone for what i experience within me. i am here as the breath of life.

Did Jesus Christ teach how to Masturbate ?

Porn addiction and masturbation addiction requires some serious investigation regardless of which religion or culture you belong or part of. With over a billion people going online, participation in online porn has gone through the roof. Obviously along with porn addiction, masturbation is the natural next addiction. Am i saying masturbation is wrong? no not all, but masturbation with pictures, images, thoughts, stories, fantasies in the head is the troubling point.

At desteni we understand that masturbation with pictures and images as an energetic game which indirectly contributes to the world's problems in sex areas such a child sex, rape, prostitution etc. I can understand the common sense of such teachings, though i cannot readily verify that me masturbating in my bedroom will somehow contribute to some rape scene in China for example. All is linked and connected, via the so called consciousness field, as our minds are one via the consciousness field, so participating in picture based masturbation can lead energetically for another to do some crazy shit.

Then how should one must masturbate? No pictures, no images, no thoughts, no stories in the head, just as breathing, as breath, here, you simply jerk yourself and enjoy the release, while the whole time make sure there is not a single thought, image, or picture is running in the theater of your mind. That is to disconnect from the Consciousness field while you masturbate as the body physical here. And certainly no energy rushes to masturbate. You are here as breath of life, just breathing and just masturbating, and enjoying the release.

Your God Jesus, why didn't he teach masturbation? I wonder. Did Allah, or Krishna, or Buddha, or any God for that matter, teach how to masturbate? I mean masturbation being a such human trait, I wonder why these major religions have overlooked this serious subject and not given any direction on how to effectively participate in masturbation? Obviously porn addiction is a whole different story, at desteni we simply say NO to porn, there is no middle ground for porn addiction.

see investigate www.desteni.co.za

Self-Forgiving and Releasing Childhood Issues - Dad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to be liked by my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be needed and liked by my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want their approval and liking to whatever i do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt when they avoid me or reject me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid my parents thinking its too much to hang out with them. not realizing i was avoiding only the feelings and thoughts i experienced within myself. basically i was avoiding myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away from my parents because i saw them as evil and nasty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid my dad because i see him as nasty and evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid talking to my dad because i cannot stand his voice. which i see as cranky voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid my dad's company because i cannot stand his manner of speech or hist voice tonality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my dad's voice as a blaming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my dad's voice as cranky.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my dad's voice as fault find tone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad's voice tone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad's voice and his manner of speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conclude my dad's manner of speak as judgemental and rude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my dad saying that he is rude and mean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad because i label him as rude and nasty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad because i cannot stand his meanness and rudeness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate how he speak to others which i conclude as mean and rude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my dad as mean and rude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my dad and nasty and rude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my dad as a blamer whom i cannot stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never take his points and see how those same points show within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad's obnoxious attitude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad and his ways of doing things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for neglecting me and hurting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for putting me down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for not giving me any task to do because he thinks that i am stupid and unable to do any task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for assuming that i am stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for assuming that i am unable to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for treating me less than my other siblings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for considering me to be less than
other siblings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for seen me as less than my two brothers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad whenever he dismisses what i have to say while outright listens to what my brothers have to say. as if my words have no worth at all for him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for dismissing my ideas and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for thinking that i am an eternal loser because i dont' subscribe to his ways and means of doing things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for making me feel less than my brothers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for treating me like a loser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for been angry with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for seen my life as a useless and my only purpose is to serve them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for seen me as less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my had for for everything just because i think i cannot stand him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for not been a kind and sensitive person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for drinking and making painful comments.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for taking drinks because i know afterwards there is always a war which i lose often.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for throwing me out of the house so many times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for showing me his ego power by throwing me outside the house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for making me homeless just to me his ego/money power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for showing me his ego power by through me out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for speaking like a big fucking ego just to give me pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for making me feel helpless and
hopeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for giving me a such awful childhood with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for ruining my childhood by always fighting with me for this or that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad whenever he interrupts me from speaking to my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the idea that my dad doesn't approve me speaking to my mom. as if he forbids it. WTF.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad for causing interruptions while i speak with my mom. he deliberately stops me from talking to her, wft.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my dad all throughout his existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish if dad was dead because i believe it will give me total peace and freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see my dad disappear from home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy his absence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy him going to work so that i can be free and happy at home without his obnoxious comments and bickering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself today because i have become an exact copy of him. i do say exactly what i hate about him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for been the son of  my father whom i despise so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself so much for been a carbon copy of my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for been a copy of my dad.

i stop this madness. when and as i see myself to hating my dad, or hate myself i just stop here as the breath of life. because i realize that he is a mind as MCS and he doesn't know what he is doing. i cannot hate him, because he has no clue what he does. whereas i know exactly what i speak and think and act, therefore i have a wider responsibility to not to be a copy cat of him, rather be the life here as breath.

i stop i am here as breath.

Self-Forgiving and Releasing Childhood Issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when my parents leave me with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been without my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear whenever they travel during which time i start to get fearful thinking now they are going to ditch me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever my parents leave the house thinking they may never return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry so much in pain whenever they leave the house together during which i would experience fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear whenever my parents leave the house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been alone without my parents around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear within myself whenever my
parents leave the house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents so much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my parents had power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when my mom would complaint to my dad about me, which usually ends up me getting punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear whenever my parents talk to each other, because then i conclude that they are complaining and talking about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mom's anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear whenever my mom gets angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear whenever my dad gets angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents judgments about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my parents never looked at me with fairness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my parents always put me down and judge me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my parents never gave me a chance, as i am always evil in their eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how my parents perceive me, because almost always is a judgement or condemnation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being condemned by my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience been in like a prison when my parents are around because i believe they are talking and complaining about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience discomfort to be around my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience discomfort when they talk to each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the look on my dad's face whenever he is angry because he will start to blame me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dad's blame personality as when he starts to blame he will never stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my dad is a blamer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been blamed by my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been continuously blamed by my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dad's accusations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been labeled by my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mom will find something wrong with me just around the time my dad return from work. something spicy to tell him about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in fear when my dad return from work, because that is the time my mom will complain about me, give the full list of wrongs i have done all day. now its his time to punish me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been hit by my dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been physically abused by my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been tortured by my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mom's rage and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mom because when she gets angry at me, all hell will break lose, there will be blood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mom so much and her anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to seek revenge for all the physical abuse she inflict upon me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to seek revenge even now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see her suffer so that she will know what it is suffer physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience severe pain while she beats me up.

know what she was doing. its her mad mind. she is responsible but i realize i cannot hold rage against her. she just didn't know what she was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mother so much, and desire my mother's demise because of apparent abuse she inflict within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother's judgments about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness for how she treated me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mom never gave me a compliment or acknowledgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mom never appreciated me nor acknowledged me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my mom always put me down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i was a like throw-able junk for her. she never appreciated me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame her for not appreciating me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and be angry with her for not appreciating me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom for not recognizing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom for not paying attention to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom for apparently neglecting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom for avoiding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom for putting others before me. i came always next to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my mom for placing me as a second class human. as others are more important than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mom and hate my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize she didn't know what she was doing. yet here i am as the breath of life, i have the choice to let go of the past, and be here as the breath.

When and as i see myself blaming my parents for the past shit, i simply stop myself and be here as breath. because i realize that my parents simply didnt' know what they were doing. they went along with their mind/ego, they did the uttermost to protect their minds and egos. so no point in hating them or wanting revenge. so when and as i see myself going into past pain and hate, i simply stop here, realizing that past is past. i am here as the breath of life. because if i do allow the past to run its story, there will be no end but mental hell and hate. so i stop at the very first thought that blames my parents. there is only one way to end the past miseries, that is to stop the past stories from the mind, just be here as breath of life. here. breathing.

I am Faithful 99.99999% of the time.

A 23 year old girl from Bangladesh started a chat with me today on FB. At least based on her photos, she appears very beautiful. Soon into the chat, she says, "you are so hot", at that very moment I could sense a rush of energy within me, an excitement, short of breath etc. Clearly that statement got me all excited and wanting more. In the olden days before desteni, i would let it unroll, and ended up in a heated online sex chat and who knows where that will lead. But today, I had the good fortune of self-honesty which immediately kicked in to save my ass. Within that moment, as i feel the rush of excitement, I calm myself down, i breathed, i slow down a bit, in all self-honesty i look at the situation then i realize i am touching the group of utter self-dishonesty, cheating, and betrayal  etc, if i were to continue the chat in that direction. I told her, "lets not talk such", and she immediately apologies and the exciting energy vanished, moments later all was normal, no more energy, no more excitement. the energy of her beautiful sensual picture vanished too. i was to able to continue chatting without the 'excitement'.

All in all, it was a moment to flirt, a moment to get a sexual high, a moment for online masturbation and flirtation. the fact that i am married is a secondary point, so am i saying if were single today would i have continued with the 23 year old ? I suppose i must have been open to such sexual chats.

Been in a relationship implies commitment, that goes without saying. Online chats, flirts of any sensual or sexual nature is clearly violation of trust. Obviously we cannot avoid such moments arriving at our doorsteps, they will come, then there is self-honesty within the breath to avoid any consequential acts of self-betrayal.

First of all, i allowed the chat to start, why did i even allowed that chat to start? Is it because i knew her photos to be sweet and sensual ? In accepting the first step, i allowed a later moment of flirting to occur. I am not totally free from cheating here, though i stopped it at a later point, but i did allowed the possibility at all by agreeing to chat in the very first place.

This point requires further self investigation.

In relationships, its either ALL or NOTHING, when it comes to trust and integrity. Can't be faithful just 99.9999% of the time.  

Amma, the "Hugging Saint", is her group a CULT?

Amritanandamayi Devi, also known as Amma, or the hugging saint, leads a vast spiritual organization in India and around the world. On the surface of it, her teachings are simple and likable for the religious minded folks, and who wouldn't like a hug from a saint after all, apparently that is the nearest you can come to getting a hug from God. Since God him/herself  cannot down to hug you, might as well settle with this hugging saint, AMMA.  

Is her organization a CULT ? 

Does she have a CULT-ish like following ? Do the devotees of Amma simply following their master? Are they taught to take Self-Responsibility and therefore stand as Self-Standing Self-Responsible human beings without ever needing a master or saint? Do the devotees of Amma, taught how to eradicate emotions and feelings that are arising like storms within humans these days without ever needing to worship their saint? Do the devotees learn about Self-Writing to Self Freedom? Do they know or have applied Self-Forgiveness to rebirth themselves as LIFE through the physical? Are the devotees of Amma, aware of themselves as LIFE without ever needing a master or guru? Do they realize guru worship as mind control and it enslaves them? Do they realize that all the so-called charity work done by Amma's organization is just that charity, which only widens the gap between the haves and have-nots. As charity is a feel good thing, it never really solves the problem.

Has Amma ever mentioned the principle of "What is Best for All" ? Has she ever discussed what is an Equal Money System, or Equal Labor System, or Equal Housing System, or Equal Education System or Equal Healthcare Systems are all about ? Does Amma understand what is 'Equality for All' mean? 

Amma, the hugging saint, will she stand as One Vote for Equal Money System and therefore to bring a practical heaven on earth for all ? 

Does she know guru worship and adoration is self-dishonest and self-deceitful ?

Does she know what a CULT is ? Look no further, simple devotee attachment and adoration to the guru implies a CULT like spiritual nonsense. 

Investigate www.desteni.co.za to find how to set yourself free from your accepted and allowed guru nonsense. Its never too late, be yourself, be the LIFE that you're.

Is one drop of Beer too much?

Since coming to desteni, i have entirely gave up my taste to drink anything alcohol. even within desteni materials drinking alcohol is not suggested, the harm it can do to the body and mind has been well documented. I was never a heavy drinker, but I will never refuse to have a drink at parties etc. At home i hardly purchased beer or anything for personal consumption. if i recall correct, it was the boxing day 2004 i last got drunk. i remember that day very well because of the South Asian Tsunami which took nearly 275,000 lives within seconds. Though never got drunk since, but i continue have occational beer every now and then. a social drinker is the term.

Reading desteni materials, it became very clear to me that drinking serves no purpose at all, it only builds up the Mind Conscious System (MCS). The problem was not just about drinking, its about how the MCS builds up, and how enslavement becomes stronger and stronger. Water purifies the body, self-forgiveness stills the water in the body, whereas alcohol does something harmful to the body and it is not in alignment with what self-forgiveness does to the body. Alcohol is detrimental to the outcome of self-forgiveness.

Taking alcohol is self-dishonest. At some point i argue about the quantity of alcohol one takes, is small glass too much? is one drop of beer too much? well on the surface of it, taking a small glass seems rather harmless. I mean few sips are not going to kill you. But going deeper into desteni materials one realizes even taking a sip of beer is just too much, because the issue is not in the amount, its about what a drop can do to build up the Mind Conscious System. The system build up that goes on within the body thanks to alcohol is very detrimental.

Tonight I was at a social party, visiting an extended family after few years of distance. I have been rather disconnected to them for last 3-4 years now, other day i got invited by them to attend some special event party at their place. So, tonight i went, i was very nervous, old memories and thoughts running in mind, old emotions of our long gone association came to my mind. Thought it was very nice of them to invite me to this occation, i would have preferrred if they had chosen to close the door totally. Anyways, it turned out i had a nice time.

The sad part is i had to take few sips of beer. As i entered the host invited me to have a drink, out of nervousness and self-embarassment, perhaps bit of shyness to meet all that people after years of distance, i said yes to a drink. i was served a cold beer in a tall glass. i took a sip, then another, then another, about 4-5 in total, i was starting to feel a bit drunk already, my head was kind of spinning, i was feeling uncomfortable. Now, no man of in his 40s will show signs of drunkenness after 4 sips of beer, unless you're totally allegeric to beer, which i am not. so my conclusion is having avoided alcohol for few years now, even taking a few sips of beer show its effort in the body very fast. I have done a self-detrimental act by taking those few sips of beer. Amount doesn't matter, i have put alcohol into my body, so its building up my MCS even more. A serious time loop will ensure.

The point of doing self-forgiveness is to get rid of the MCS, whereas taking beer will do just the opposite, that's exactly how i felt today at the party.

It was no party for me, as i have abused myself my body by taking few sips of beer. moreover i gave into nervousness and shyness, and fear, so i justified having the drinks to calm me down. yes it did clam me down, i became relax at the party, but i missed the whole point of transecendence. The only good news is by the 4th of 5th sip, i put the glass away, took a glass of soda instead. oh well, too late now, could have done that with the very first sip. But i didn't because i allowed and accepted myself to enjoy the beer, i allowed it to clam me down, and of course i allowed it to build up my MCS, only time will tell its consequences.

What a fool. ok let this be the final lesson. never again, not even a drop. this regret to is just too much to bear.

'Till here no further, i will never take any more sips of alcohol ever again. I realize the point is not about how many sips i take, its about saying absolute and unconditional NO to alcohol, forever more.